Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Here's a special story for Blood Week that will have you cowering in fear.
Back in college I was having sex with my then-girlfriend with her riding me on the couch. Just as things were getting good, she bounced up a little too high just before coming back down onto dick, made worse by me yanking her downwards. She bounced right off of me and sent a searing pain through my poor wang. She asked me if I was ok, and I told her I just needed a minute to deal with the searing pain of my cock nearly breaking in half. It was then that I noticed the spot of blood on my leg. I turned to her and said, "Are you bleeding?" At which point she said calmly, "Well I'm not on my period" and stood up to check, only to unleashed several ounces of blood that came pouring out of her vag onto my carpet.
After a quick 911 call and several scary minutes of her losing around a pint of blood into the bathtub, the paramedics took us to the emergency room. We were told that our misstep (or bounce rather) had ripped a half-inch hole in her vaginal wall which would require stitches, the pain of which would be equivalent to a few minutes of childbirth. In order to lighten our spirits about my girlfriend's upcoming vaginal torture, the doctor told us a much weirder sexual emergency that he had witnessed.
A few years back, a woman came into that same emergency room in a panic claiming to have snakes coming out of her vagina. Our doctor immediately turned to one of the residents and told him, "this one's yours." When the resident came back looking whiter than a tea-bagger saying that the woman really had snakes in her vagina, the doc had to check it out for himself. He took a look inside her and saw green, snake-like objects, but they weren't moving and were stiff.
So he asked the woman if she had inserted any unusual foreign objects into herself in the last year. She said that she often masturbated with food items. Well, it turns out what happened was she had masturbated with an unwashed potato, and that spores from the potato had taken root in her uterus due to the moisture and heat, and had slowly grown inside of her until the roots were visibly poking out of her vagina. My girlfriend and I had a good laugh. Then came the vagina sutures.
I thought they might have been exaggerating when they said she would be experiencing pains equivalent to labor, but not so. When they first inserted the needle I saw her face turn every color of the rainbow in RAPID succession, like a cuttlefish or squid flashing colors. It went from pale, so flush, to sanguine (Drew's Note: I do not think this means what he think it means), to jaundiced, back and forth for several seconds. After a few minutes in which a 100 lb. girl nearly broke every bone in my hand from gritting through the pain, it was over and we were free to go home under the express direction to not have sex for two weeks until the stitches dissolved.
The lesson of this story is: 1) you can experience the pain of childbirth without being pregnant; 2) certain kinds of unspeakable pain turn your face bio-luminescent; and 3) if a woman has snakes coming out of her vagina, she's probably just been fucking unwashed potatoes.
I have no pithy comment to add to this story and story within a story. I'm fucking speechless. I want to hide in a forest for a year.
A few years back as a freshman in my second semester of college, I got to know an interesting character that decided to stay in his hometown for college (high school 2.0 for him I suppose). We'll call him Ted.
Not surprisingly, he had some connections with the local catholic high school senior girls crowd, to the extent of dating one of them. As the semester wound down, one night I said the hell with it and proceeded to head to a party of said goodie-two-shoes girls and Ted.
Drinking ensued along with cards, games, etc. Towards the end of the night I was approached by Ted, his little biblethumper, and her devilish looking friend. As we got to it in a bedroom, not thinking much of it, I went for his little lady... she obliged by giving me some holy dome as Ted played a little fingerbang and make-out with the friend.
In the midst of the boobs and oral pleasure, she literally takes my thing out of her mouth looks Ted in the eyes and says " I love you, Ted" - with my dick in her hand mind you. At this point all bets are off... Ted dresses and storms out due to the awkwardness of the moment. His girl runs after him in a sad apologetic matter. It was never spoken of again and it's safe to say I haven't dabbled in the church scene since.
Oh, that last part is just awful. I need to shower in vinegar after reading that. How about a failed threesome… FROM A LADY?!
Aileen (not Gallagher):
I worked in a coffee shop in college, with a mix of townies and post college "young adults." One of these post college bros (let's say, John) was pretty good looking. After a few months of working together (and frequent) flirting, he invites me to come over his house. John was blatantly cheating on his wife and she knew about it. He said she was moving out.
Anyway, I drive to his house, and we get pretty fucked up. We start hooking up in the living room (which was full of moving boxes) and go to the bedroom. After we get our clothes off, I hear commotion outside, John‘s wife has come home. My drunk ass thinks I can hide under the covers. I hear John trying to explain "She's a girl from work!" his wife replies, "Then why is she trying to hide under the blanket?!" I dress myself, still in the bed and run past her, out of the house and to my car. They continue to yell at each other, then this fool starts running after me. He says, "Let's go to Dave's (fellow coffee worker) house." John and I are hammered and still horny, so maybe Dave has a couch or something? I don't know.
We drive to Dave's and he wakes up to let us in. The 3 of us go to his room and we tell the story of what happened (drunkenly and giggly). Me and John start to go at it, with Dave in the room and, inevitably, the whole thing starts going the way of a threesome (which is fine by me). Things are clicking along, until Dave starts reaching for the John. Like grabbing his dick and trying to make out with him. John and I are stunned. We had no idea Dave was so inclined. John attempts to put me in between the 2 of them, until he and I reach some kind of mutual unspoken decision that things just got weird. The 3 of us just stop, awkwardly, and go to Denny's.
John and I finally fuck a week later. Months later, I hear rumors that Dave gave some guy a blowjob in a Motel 6 hot tub.
$560 for Aileen's email address. Double it if you're married.
Finally, this is a leftover Spring Break failure we never got to. I quite enjoyed it.
This occurred in Rocky Point, Mexico. I was down there with some friends and staying at the Best Western about a mile away from the strip of bars and clubs.
One night, out at the bars, I end up drinking too many shots of tequila. So I stumble back to the hotel by myself (not a good idea) and attempt to pass out in the room. No dice, I didn't have the room key. Being as smashed as I was there was no way I was going to find the lobby and then talk the clerk into giving me another key. I figured my roommates would be coming back from the bars fairly soon so I would just wait for them patiently.
Underneath my car.
My 2002 Honda Accord was parked right outside our hotel in a dirt parking lot, so what better place to take a power nap then underneath the engine block? To this day I still don't know how I fit under there.
Anyway, I wake-up some time later, drag myself out from underneath the car and notice that I'm covered head to toe in dirt mixed with vomit mixed with blood. I'm a mess and still completely beyond drunk. Black out drunk. Hoping that someone has returned to the room, I knock on the door and start yelling for help. The door slowly opens and it's a girl I've never met before. Behind her in the room are 3 other girls I've never seen before. This isn't my room. This is the room next to mine.
I tell this girl my name is Dane (not my real name) and I had just been in a fight and needed to take a shower right away. For some reason they believed me and allowed me to take a shower in their bathroom. 5 minutes later, I'm passed out in the shower. More time goes by and the girls start to get worried. They knock on the door to ask if I'm okay. No response. They decide to open the door and see my lifeless, pasty ass, naked body with what I can only imagine as the worst shrinkage dick ever sprawled across the shower floor.
They graciously wake me up and tell me to get out as they are planning on going to the bars. I grab my heap of clothes and wrap a towel around my waist as I head to my room. I get to the door and knock praying for someone to be there. Again, nothing. Just as I'm about to break the window, two of my friends stumble around the corner and see me. All is right with the world. We get into the room and I immediately pass out in the bed.
Next thing I know it's 6AM and the phone is blaring next to my ear. I knock the receiver off and hold the phone to my head. It's my friend Jeff. He says verbatim, "Danny, don't hang up. I'm in jail, you need to come get me." Apparently Jeff had been walking in some alley the night before by himself (not a good idea) and was picked up by the local police and thrown in jail. I yell to our friend Noah (the responsible roommate) and inform him of Jeff's situation. He grabs the phone and talks to Jeff all the while I'm crying from laughter. Noah hangs up the phone and leaves to retrieve Jeff.
I then open the night stand drawer, throw up all the tequila and shower water from the night before, close the drawer and go back to sleep. That nightstand remained that way until we checked out 2 days later. Jeff and Noah return from the jail and we rehash Jeff's story. Soon after, the girls from next door come by and explain the story of Dane as described above. To this day I still don't remember anything that happened that night.