In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the England National Team, who had apparently been afflicted by a witch doctor curse, which was just lifted by the official Archdruid of Cornwall. Twenty-sided dice, too, probably.
Wasn't it obvious all along that the Three Lions' struggles weren't their own? Surely we should have seen that it wasn't a lack of chemistry, or three untrustworthy goalkeepers, or Rooney being invisible. No, the reason England is on the brink of elimination today is because of bad hoodoo.
Ed Prynn, the Archdruid of Cornwall, says he has lifted the magical burden that was placed on the team in Cape Town - by an African witch doctor.
The 73-year-old mystic, from Padstow, said that the likes of Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard, who have so far performed poorly at the tournament, will now be free to wreak havoc on opposition defences.
"I have lifted the curse put on the England team by a witch doctor in Africa," he said.
"They will feel like a big black cloud has passed over and it will be a new beginning. People will probably think I've lost my marbles but when the bird landed on the goal during the Algeria game on Friday, it was like a red light telling me the team were in trouble. They were doomed."
I didn't know there were still witch doctors. Then, I didn't know there were still druids, let alone an Archdruid of Cornwall. (Dude has the best job title in the world, though I'm kind of imagining something like this.)
So, how does an Archdruid lift such a persistent curse?
I felt it was my time to help England so I went to a stone hexagon with a hole in the middle and took the curse with me mentally from the east as I passed through the stone to face the west.
"I said to all the angels, mother nature and spirits that are connected with the beyond to help lift the curse off the England team for the rest of the time they in Africa.
"I will know if my spell has worked straight away on Wednesday and England will win – even if it's a penalty shoot- out."
I've got news for the Archdruid: if a game goes to penalty kicks, that doesn't bode well for England. They've got a curse on that that's far older than the witch doctor's.