Because no one reads the newspaper and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
* Even the fella trying to make his girlfriend give him a little box seat beejer couldn't stop help the woeful Mariners offense against CC Sabathia. Mr. Cameron Diaz hit a two-run homer yesterday in the 8th inning, which he first thought was a walk-off: "I thought I hit a much bigger home run than I actually did," Rodriguez said of his 12th homer of the season, 595th of his career and fourth in eight games. "I hit it and looked at A.J. [Burnett] and [Andy] Pettitte and they weren't jumping over the railing. At that point I thought we probably had one more half-inning to play. Pretty embarrassing."
* Kirk Gibson has been summoned to save the struggling Arizona Diamondbacks.
* Burnie, the Miami Heat's flaming mascot, has propped himself up on a throne in front of American Airlines Arena until the team signs Dwyane Wade.
* The nation waits for Mike Tyson to change everything we think about Twitter.
* Oh, yeah. Chris Simms was busted for cruising around the West Village smoking endo, with his mind on his money and his money on his busted spleen or something.
WAKE UP. It's a holiday weekend. Find a way to be patriotic without blowing your hand off.