Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
I was 19 and got a two-week job as counselor at a summer camp in Northern Wisconsin. It was normally an all-girls camp, but they had one co-ed session and year so they needed a few male counselors. The regular staff of female counselors included three smokin' hot Australian chicks including a blonde named Ashley.
Being 19, I really had no game at all with the ladies, but I quickly made it my two-week mission to get with Aussie Ashley. The job was tougher in that I was underage and the nearest town was 45 minutes away anyway so I was going to have to get it done without the benefit of alcohol.
Things went well from the start with Aussie Ashley. We talked a lot, flirted a lot, traded dirty, veiled double entendres in front of the campers and snuggled at the late night counselor campfires but never kissed. In the middle of the second week I had more confidence than ever so I made my move. I told her I loved looking at the stars and I'd like to take her out to the island in the middle of our lake for some late night "star-gazing". She was very excited. On the night we took a canoe and a big double sleeping bag and paddled out to the island. I was 100% certain we were on the same page. We both knew only one of us would be facing up while we were out "star-gazing".
We weren't on the same page. We get there, I unroll the sleeping bag, we lay down and Aussie Ashley starts asking me "what's that constellation", "what's that star", "is that a planet"? I make up a few bulshit answers and then try to kiss her. She says, "What are you doing? I thought we were looking at stars?" I said, "I don't really know much about stars, but I'm really into you." She says, "Did you bring me out here to have sex?" I'm stunned. I stammered, "Well, I thought you and I could get close." Then Aussie Ashley drives a knife into my gut. "Oh crap, I thought you really knew about stars."
She was seriously pissed off that I didn't know anything about stars. I thought I was getting a hookup, but she thought she was getting an astronomy teacher. She stood up and said, "Well we might as well go back," and headed to the canoe. Aussie Ashley and I didn't speak much the rest of the week.
So blame it on my complete lack of skills or a cultural barrier or a chick just too dumb to know she was flirting, but I got nothing at an all-girls camp in Northern Wisconsin. (To add insult to injury, one of the other hot Aussie chicks approaches me on the last day of camp and says, "You're really cute. It's too bad you spent the whole two weeks with Ashley." Too bad, indeed.)
I was at a bar with two friends and its getting close to last call so we decide to hit the dance floor. We've been drinking since early and were acting like complete fools out there. I start dancing with one girl and after a song or two we start making out pretty intensely. At some point during the make out session my friend decides its a good idea to walk up to the girl and try to motorboat her. She did not respond very well to that and any chance I had of going home with her was shot. I ended up at IHOP and when my friend's pancakes topped with whipped cream came out I told him to smell the whipped cream. As soon as his head went down i shoved his face into the pancakes and called him a motor boatin' son of a bitch. I still think I let him off easy.
Indeed you did. Mmmmm… motorboating pancakes.
I was a sophomore in college sometime in the early 2000s. Like most kids my age, I was forced to get a job as to appease my parents so they didn't "stop paying for my college." It was a local country club where I had to serve house salads and cosmos to obnoxious old ladies. Anyway, I had worked there for a few months when I started to develop a flirty relationship with a girl who also worked there - she was a local. This back and forth flirting went on for a couple more months but nothing was coming of it.
Finally, we ended up running into each other at a college party. If our normal flirting routine was a small campfire, the addition of alcohol was like gasoline, so it quickly escalated. I lived near by so we went back to my apartment. I had never noticed that she had a pierced tongue. Maybe she wasn't allowed to wear it at work. But she had it in now and I thought it was glorious - especially when she asked me while we were making out "Have you ever felt cold steel on your cock?" To which I replied with a giggle and a shake of the head.
Well we rounded third base and were sliding into home. Everything was going great until I thought I heard whimpering. At first I assumed she was just enjoying my awesome sexing skills, but the more I listened, I realized nope, that's whimpering, she's fucking crying. I said in the nicest voice I could muster, "what's wrong?"
She stopped whimpering for a moment and this was our conversation:
Her: "I can't do this, I feel so bad."
Me: "Why, what's up?"
Her: "I have a boyfriend. But that's not why I'm crying."
Me: "Ok, why are you crying?"
Her: "Have you ever heard of Herpes?"
Have I heard of Herpes??? I escorted her out of my apartment, still crying and half naked. I quit the job at the country club too and prayed to God that I never ran into her again.
Happy to say, she must have been "dormant" or something because, to this day, I remain Herpes-free.
As far as you know!
My freshman year in college. Me and long time girlfriend had recently decided to part ways before the Spring semester, leaving me free to play the field. I met a girl in my writing class who was probably the hottest girl to ever speak to me. I invited her to a party (if you can call it that) at my tiny apartment, and things went well. We played beer pong, flirted, but no bedroom time, which was fine because she seemed like a nice girl.
Well that was Friday night. The next day she calls me at about 11:30pm and says she is at a party at "some football player's house". Turns out it was a birthday party for one of her friends who was dating one of the Denver Broncos running backs. My new friend was pretty tipsy and very horny. She told me that if I came to the party "its' going down". I was about to party and get drunk with professional athletes, and get some from this super hot chick. I put my shoes on, grab my keys, and my doorbell rings. It's my ex-girlfriend, crying, pleading to get back together and wont let me leave until we "talk about things". Needless to say I couldn't get out of there in time and I'm pretty sure the hot chick fucked a second team linebacker that night. Never got a second shot.
That running back's name? Travis Henry.