Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
• Stop me if you've heard this one before: A women's baseball player from Hong Kong in Caracas for a tourney takes a stray bullet to the leg. Stop. [AP]
• The English Premier League starts today. Yay. If big-name match-ups are your thing, Liverpool v. Arsenal's for you, but that's not on till tomorrow. So, try Tottenham Hotspur v. Man City, which started at 7:45 a.m. Camden, NJ time. You can catch Aston Villa vs. West Ham at 10 a.m. or Chelsea v. West Bromwich Albion this afternoon.
• Speaking of Man City, they continued to binge with yesterday's signing of Inter Milan striker Mario Balotelli. [MCFC.co.uk]
• If you want to play professional beach volleyball, you'll have to start your own professional beach volleyball league. The AVP declared itself financially dead yesterday, which kind of sucks for anybody planning on going to the Huntington Beach, Ca. event next weekend. Reads the End of Days post, "Our time is up; our run is over. What we see today will unfortunately be gone tomorrow and there's simply nothing we can do now to stop it." Deep. [AVP.com]
• A Baseball Bunch roundup: Johnny Cueto won't appeal his seven-game suspension [cincinnati.com]. Chipper Jones, the Anti-Favre, says this year that he'll try to be back next year [Yahoo Sports]. Francisco Rodriguez Drago's back for the Mets today. Vill Phils break him? [Yahoo Sports] And, Jonathan Broxton's out as the Dodgers closer. Aw [LA Times].
• A Football Bunch roundup: JaMarcus Russell admitted he digs, or dug, codeine. [ESPN.com] Glen Coffee admits football's not for him anymore; Coach Singletary says, like, whatever. [S.F. Examiner] Ben Roethlisberger wants some action tonight and what Ben Roethlisberger wants, Ben Roethlisberger gets. Oh yes he does [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]. Eddie Royal is into fantasy football. Oh yes he is [Denver Post].
• Former Oklahoma State basketball coach Sean Sutton goes the narc route. [Tulsa World]
• Dennis Johnson was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame which sucks if only because he wasn't alive to see it happen. [Boston Herald]
• From the "Hickey's Biased" coverage files ... Cole Hamels keeps the Mets no-no-hitters streak alive. Kolb wins. McNabb wins better. And, finally, the 12:51 a.m. Tweet from a Philadelphia pap read ...
Desean Jackson a major fuck up as usual. Doesn't pose on the red carpet. Probably too wasted someone said, he cldnt walk
Upper right corner. 1:40-1:45. Squawk. Hallejuah. Sat-ur-daaaay.