FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? [Email the Funbag](   

While the Funbag is away, we still play, albeit dully. Time for The Boring Bag!

Plenty of time for tiddlywinks. Do you have a preference of pens? I'm been scribbling notes the last few days with a black Paper Mate and I hate it. I like those see-through plastic Bic pens. You know how much ink you have left, there's a quality cap attached, you very rarely have to press down or shake it to write something. Quality pen? Heck and yes.

Onto your questions.


I'm tired and it's 10:20pm. 10pm-2am is a roulette wheel of sleep for me; I could go to sleep any time between the two. Is that weird?


Not really. I think that's the time most people go to sleep.


I was getting gas today and tried to stop the pump at exactly $20.00 so I wouldn't have to break another bill but I accidentally stopped it at $19.98. I figured that was close enough and just paid, I put the 2 pennies in the penny dish.


That reminds me. I worked on a movie last summer as a PA and was given a Prius to cart around equipment and supplies. I would get reimbursed for gas but the first two times I got gas, I didn't get the right receipts, so I wasn't going to get reimbursed. I went back to the gas station to get the right sort of receipt, but the attendant wasn't able to do it. That was like thirty bucks I was out. The movie ended up being not that good either.

Pete Gaines:

Dude. I can't believe the DMV actually let me have these. Crazy, right?


The only way that license plate could be more ordinary is if it was one of the old Illinois plates. Now there was a plate you could set your watch to.


Should I invest a portion of my paycheck into a Roth 401(k) or just go with the standard 401(k) version? I feel like getting my tax deferred NOW with the standard version is more attractive, but who knows? Maybe I'll need the breathing room the Roth option allows me when I'm 65.....(sigh) it's so hard to decide!


Does your company match contributions on one of the options? Do companies still do that? Secondly, are you going to have control over what the fund invests in or are you taking a pre-selected one? Are you planning on living for a while? If so, go with the Roth 401(k) because you don't have to pay tax on it as the account grows or on withdrawals, provided you meet some requirements (age, time you've had the account). If you have to expand your house or something unexpectedly, I think it would be good to have a tax-free pool of money by your side.

I don't know shit about finance though.


I was playing basketball, wearing black shorts a white t-shirt and white ankle socks, as a white guy all I did was pass and hustle for offensive rebounds to score since I lack skill. How can I up my game?


You can always practice chest passes in your free time. I've got a brick wall in my apartment. On the other side is a small court yard, so when I practice my chest passes, no one gets disturbed. There's that and dribbling down the street with your off-hand when you run neighborhood errands.


I just selected tuna salad over chicken salad. Which do you prefer?

Chicken salad for me, but I usually abstain because I don't like mayo very much. I really need to be in a special mood for mayo.


I helped my friend move once, and for helping, he got me a hoagie. I asked for no mayo, but it came with mayo, but I didn't care. I was pretty tired from helping him move so I didn't have the energy to complain about the mayo.

Another friend of mine absolutely abhors mayo. We were walking to the train once, and he stopped in a deli to get a sandwich and the same thing happened to him. He asks for no mayo, gets a lot of mayo. He literally threw the sandwich away when he found out. We went to a second deli and the same thing happened. He threw away two perfectly acceptable sandwiches.

There are ways to get around having mayo on your sandwich if you don't want mayo on your sandwich. Namely: napkins. Most delis will give you a napkin or two with your sandwich, right? So just wipe the mayo off the bread with your napkin. C'mon, people.



Have you seen that show, Rubicon? It's okay I guess.

Yeah, I'm watching it in the hopes that it gets really good, though. So far it's like the first 20 minutes of Three Days of the Condor if the first twenty minutes of Three Days of the Condor was five hours long. Bring on Max Von Sydow and Faye Dunaway getting sexy Stockholm Syndrome, Rubicon!


It's pretty well-acted and shot, but shit needs to start happening. We're halfway through the season.



Took a crap. It looked like you.


aj on vacation

I spent a few minutes counting on my fingers to make sure this wasn't a haiku. It wasn't.


I'm not sure what this means. Do you think I look like shit? Was the log wearing glasses and sideburns? Lots of unanswered questions here. Hope you're loving Fire Island as much as you'd hoped. See you next week.


Any recommended sex positions that would be a bit more vanilla than missionary? The wife and I have always gone that route, but recently she has been making a ton of eye contact - probably read it in one of those woman's magazines - and it is making me wildly uncomfortable. I've tried the spoon position but being behind her seems too much like animal fornication.


Hole in the sheet. No one has to see anyone—provided one of you is completely under the sheet. It's the perfect system and you can do whatever you want as long as it's through the hole in the sheet.


Actuarial Pooper:

I pooped today and it was a non-wiper. Yay me!

That's sorta remarkable, isn't it? How often does that happen?


I am a Metrologist. Metrology is the study of measurements. I spend my entire work day measuring things, often more than once. My question is: Do I have the most boring occupation ever? I think so. If not, what is?


Assistant metrologist? Fundamentals of Metrology professor? Fundamentals of Metrology textbook salesman?


David, what's worse: Stepping in a bigger-than-expected puddle that soaks your leg, or stepping on freshly discarded gum?


This goes back to the bee question from last time. If you step on the gum barefoot, that's terrible. If you're wearing a shoe, scrape it off. It'll take a while, but you'll forget about it in a matter of weeks. A puddle is going to fuck your shit up whether you're wearing shoes or not. Anything with stagnant water is something to avoid. That's how you get malaria, I heard.


I went swimming yesterday. When you go swimming, do you ever pretend that you're a guppy, just waiting to be eaten by a larger fish?


I do not, Roland, but I used to pretend all kinds of shit when I was a kid. We had a pool growing up and I was into Backdraft. So I would recreate that scene at the end where Billy Baldwin jumps from the collapsing roof and into the elevator shaft that's rapidly filling up with water. Then I would get out and pretend to be Kurt Russell when he jumps into the elevator shaft to shut off the gas main that's causing a fire, showcasing the special effects wizardry of that film. Backdraft is great, goddammit.


It's the last round of my fantasy draft. Who should I take? Ryan Longwell or Jeff Reed?


Longwell is probably going to score more points so go with him. Unless "spiky hair" is one of your points categories. It's probably not because that would be very lopsided. And dumb.

Championship Facial:

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. I thought I had fallen asleep before I brushed my teeth. This was not the case. Since I was already up, I went to the bathroom although I really did have to. What's your preferred type of handsoap: bar or liquid?


Liquid. You pump once or twice and you've got the optimal amount of soap and you're ready to work up a nice lather and rinse. Can't go wrong with that liquid soap.


I used to think that nothing in the world rhymed with orange. It was a universal constant that served as an anchor in my otherwise chaotic existence. Then the other day I said "door hinge" in a manner that rhymed it perfectly with orange. I briefly contemplated my life and then continued into the kitchen to eat some Bugles. They were pretty good, especially when I used them to make monster fingers.


Ian is right, it is incredibly fun to put the Bugles on your finger tips and become a sorcerer all of a sudden. Like Merlin. Merlin was such a great character in The Sword In The Stone. He looked like he was in ZZ Top. The part where he turns into a squirrel and is pursued by the fat lady squirrel still makes me chuckle.

I think my favorite snack chips that are a little wacky are Bugles, Corn Nuts, Combos, and Pringles (such bizarre packaging).


What's your favorite inert gas? I tend to prefer nitrogen.

If you're preserving reactive materials or synthesizing some chemicals, the only gas for you is helium. That's how balloons are made.


Time for a Great Moment In Sober Vending Machine Failure!


This morning I went to use the vending machine at work. I wanted something that cost $2. I had a $10 bill and a single. I found four quarters in my bag though, so I thought I was fine. Then the vending machine wouldn't accept the last quarter so I was stuck on $1.75. Isn't that something? I have never seen that happen. So I got something that cost $1 instead (a Snickers - yes, for breakfast) and lo a behold, the machine accidentally gave me four quarters in change instead of the three I should have gotten. I was completely sober the entire time and nobody else saw what happened.


A free slightly cheaper than expected Snickers is a great way to start the morning.

Finally, a Great Moment In Drinking Cheap Wine By Yourself In Costa Rica During A Rainstorm

Sheed's Bald Spot:

Back in 2007 I was living in Costa Rica doing some biology stuff during the entirety of the NBA playoffs. I hadn't been able to watch many of the games, largely because I was in the middle of fucking nowhere, but I wasn't going to miss Sheed and some other dudes play the Cavs in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Finals. The cable was gone at my house and all of the bars in my area thanks to a bunch of successive storms, but the research station I was working out of still had a connection. It was close to two hours in a thunderstorm up a mountain to get there. I grabbed a flashlight and two $3 liter boxes of a wine called Clos and went for it, along the way stopping to pick up my supposed girlfriend — we weren't really doing much beyond topless makeouts and one dry handjob in the forest, and she seemed to have a boyfriend back in the States. She declined.

I walked my ass up this muddy trail only to find out that the game wasn't being televised in the country. I drank those boxes of wine soaking wet while watching the Gametracker by myself. I think Sheed had 12 points and a technical.


That's the Boring Bag