What the fuck, NFL? I was all excited for this upcoming NFL season, and then you go and add Joe fucking Theismann to the booth? FUCK. YOU.
"Joe is one of the premier analysts in the business," said Eric Weinberger, executive producer NFL Network said in the announcement of Theismann's hire.
What?! He is? Since fucking when? Who decided that? I didn't decide that. Did you? Holy flaming dog balls, I hate you, Eric Weinberger. I don't even know who you are, but I hope a motorcycle runs over you and your leg gets caught in the wheel and then spun around until it breaks and is ripped off, not unlike a drumstick pulled off a rotisserie chicken. I fucking hate your face and I hope you get raped with a corn popper.
Keep in mind that Theismann is being added to a booth that already contains Matt fucking Millen. Millen and Theismann. Together. In one place. It's as if NFL Network decided to hold a retard convention every week the final half of the year. YEEHAW! WHOOPEE! SKIPPITY DOO! I'll be shocked if these two don't find a way to accidentally release all the zoo animals in every city the Network decides to inflict them upon this season. LOOK OUT EVERYONE! MILLEN SET THE HYENAS LOOSE AGAIN!
Fucking NFL Network. My life was blissfully Theismann-free virtually all of last year, until NBC decided to hire his orange skin for a goddamn playoff game. And now he's back with a regular job. Why? Why would you do this to us? I've been loyal to your league my whole life, NFL. And now you go and hire this self-aggrandizing prick. Is this because you want me to root for a lockout? It is, isn't it? Don't think I don't know what you're doing. Because I do. YOU FLAMING CUNTSNAPPERS.
You watch your ass, NFL Network. I'll have my revenge on you for this. One day, your head will be turned, and I'll put AIDS in your salad. No lie. Just a big spoonful of AIDS ranch dressing, right in your digestive tract. And then you'll be on your deathbed with lesions all over you and you'll think to yourself, "Jeez, maybe putting Theismann in the booth was a bad idea," but it'll be TOO LATE! Because you'll be seventy pounds and dead within five hours. You FUCKS.
I hate Joe Theismann.