Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Big Ben is back this week. I'm not sure they'll lose a game again all year with him back around to pull games out of his big gray asshole at the last second. I feel like any Steelers fan who wanted Big Ben traded before the draft should be forced to spend the rest of the year walking around with a giant sandwich board over their body that says I'M ONE OF THE FUCKFACES WHO WANTED BIG BEN TRADED. The Rooneys should be forced to do this, too. If you were one of those moralistic shitheads that really thought the Steelers should trade away a franchise QB so that the team would have more "character," you're a fucking idiot. Team character has been and always will be an ambiguous wet dream of columnists and old white fans. The next you hear someone say their team needs more "good guys" on the roster, you slap them in the face with a crowbar.
I wonder how Ben gets laid from here on out (apart from using unnecessary force — ZING!). He's still single. I sure he still wants to bang skanks as much as he did before. How do you go about getting laid when the whole world is watching you to make sure you don't get laid in a way they deem too aggressive or lascivious? You'd either need to tape every encounter, or have a witness present at all times, preferably a very attractive hooker who can join in on the fun if need be. All with signed documentation. I think Ben should post all his future lays to Ustream. We're not that far away from a pro athlete purposely leaking a sex tape anyway (OCHO!). May as well be the trailblazer.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Ravens at Patriots: We're only through Week 5, and there have already been seven 400-yard passing games this season. There were only six 400-yard games all of last year. The most 400-yard passing games came in 2004, thanks to the likes of Tim Rattay, Kelly Holcomb, and Billy Volek (twice!). There were 11 400-yard games that year. If this year's pace holds, there will end up being more than double that amount. I have no reasonable conclusion to draw from all this (Aaron Schatz will tell you it's because of shotgun spread formations proliferating all over the league). I just wanted to BLOW YOUR FUCKING SKULL with crazy awesome stat research.
Colts at Redskins: It's incredible how much the existence of Twitter helps you set your fantasy lineup every week. Before Twitter, you had to look around on KFFL.com and Rotowire, or check message boards, or (Guhhhhhhhh) watch the FOX pregame show for the one minute Glazer comes on to say something useful. All of that sucked. Now you can just hit up Twitter at 12:58 and get instant confirmation that Player X was activated or deactivated. It's a delight. The only downside is that you never luck out on certain weeks and face a player who was a surprise deactivation. That always made my day.
And screw you to Graham Gano for having a last name that sounds so close to Gnu. I watch him kick and all I have in my head are bad, semi-Bermanesque Gary Gnu puns. NO FIELD GNOALS IS GOOD FIELD GNOALS! Ugh. Stupid Great Space Coaster.
Falcons at Eagles: I like it when I watch Red Zone Channel and they accidentally let a game go to the commercial break before switching over to another game. I can just picture Andrew Siciliano in the studio looking at the big screen, seeing the beginning of a Papa John's ad, and then flinging himself on the button to switch over another game. I know that isn't at all how it works. It's just how I picture it.
Cowboys at Vikings: I know these teams are both 1-3 and therefore shitty, but one of them will have their season ended on Sunday, so you folks out there who hate both Brett Favre and the Cowboys win no matter what happens.
Against the Jets in the Monday night game, the first play the Vikings ran was an end around option pass from Moss to Favre. This pass was deemed illegal — Favre was an ineligible receiver because he lined up under center. In other words, Brad Childress spent all week drawing up a play he didn't know was already technically illegal. This man needs to choke on vomit that is not his own.
Jets at Broncos: Brandon Lloyd currently leads the NFL in receiving yardage, which is really fucking annoying. I hate extremely late-blooming fantasy stars like Lloyd, and Marcedes Lewis, and DeAngelo Williams (stuck behind DeShaun Foster for ages), and Thomas Jones (worthless in Arizona). Where were you four dipshits when I owned you? Why are you only productive once I'm ready to make fun of you for being washed up assholes? I fucking hate Brandon Lloyd. I hope he steps on a landmine.
On Monday Night, the Jets cheerleaders wore pink go-go boots to promote breast cancer awareness. I am SO aware now. Massively, ragingly aware. Every woman should be issued pink go-go boots by the federal government. They are not unflattering.
Bucs at Saints: Do you realize that Kevin Garnett and Stephon Marbury predicted the existence of ESPN's Body Issue over 12 years ago?
Titans at Jaguars: I had houseguests this past weekend. One of the houseguests went to use the bathroom. I heard him turn on the sink when he walked in. He then left the faucet running for a solid 10 minutes while he was in there. I was baffled. He came out.
ME: The fuck were you doing in the sink? Taking a bath?
HIM: No, I was taking a shit. I kept the faucet running so you didn't have to hear anything.
ME: (brain implodes)
Look, you're in there for 10 minutes. When you're in there that long, I'm always going to assume you're either taking a shit, or that you're shooting heroin, or that you dropped dead on the floor. Running the water the whole time isn't going to make me blissfully ignorant of the fact that you're defiling my toilet. And if your shit splashes so hard that you think the resulting farts and plops will alarm everyone else in the house, chances are you just ate a fucking Hyundai. WATER AIN'T FREE, YOU KNOW.
Anyway, if any of you other people out there deploy the courtesy faucet trick, please stop. You're doing more harm than good. It's like a horror movie. What I don't hear is even more frightening than what I do.
Chiefs at Texans: Speaking of my Dad, a couple months ago I showed him this study I conducted of people who sit to wipe versus those who stand. Like me, he was shocked at how many people stood to wipe themselves after taking a shit. He expressed disgust at those who would stand to wipe, and called them perverts. And that is such a dad move, to tar anyone different as a sexual deviant. Dads always do that. He stands to wipe? PERVERT. He eats salad with chopsticks? PERVERT. He's from Kenya? PERVERT. He likes to go rock climbing? FUCKING BONDAGE PERVERT. There is no odd attribute a person has that dads can't immediately then link to sexual deviancy. I look forward to being able to do the same very soon.
Dolphins at Packers
Lions at Giants: I asked my kid what kind of fruit she wanted after dinner the other night.
ME: You want a banana, or an orange, or a kiwi?
HER: I would like a fruit salad with all three.
I almost threw her across the room.
Raiders at 49ers: I know the miners all said the right things about who got to leave the mine first, but there's no way that last dude wasn't sitting there at the end being like, "This fucking blows." I'd be secretly ripshit about going last. It's like everyone out there whose last name starts with Z. You spend so long waiting at graduations and during homeroom roll calls, that you grow up wanting to murder every fucking asshole out there whose last name starts with A.
If I were the last guy out, I'd demand free drinks for life from the guys who went in front of me. "Hey, remember that time I risked my life and sanity so you could go ahead of me in the rescue line? CERVEZA, MOTHERFUCKER."
Chargers at Rams: Reader Greg:
I'll try to keep this short. I'm a Rams fan and I spend my Sundays watching the Sunday Ticket with two friends who are fans of the Steelers and the Cardinals, respectively. Unfortunately, all too often our teams play at the same time. When that happens, we watch the game that receives the most throwgasms (we've discussed bringing in additional TVs and other technological remedies, but frankly, we're too retarded and/or lazy to make it happen). So I was wondering if you might be willing to consider giving the Rams-Chargers game as many throwgasms as the Steelers-Browns game (at this point, any ties go to the Rams based on the infrequency with which they have been selected under the system). Please don't take this as a criticism of your rankings. Nor am I asking you to compromise the integrity of your system. I'm just saying you should consider fucking over a Steelers fan.
Okay. But seriously, just go to a fucking bar.
This ranking system has no integrity, by the way. If you want to send me free donuts to improve your team's game rating, send away. I am a proud whore.
Browns at Steelers: Jake Delhomme had two picks and fumbled the ball once last week (recovered by his own team), and that still doesn't hint at how many turnovers he could have produced. The Falcons dropped at least two other picks he hand-delivered. Delhomme is so fucking awful, it's mesmerizing to watch. I feel like a UFL team should pick him up and start him, just so I can watch him fuck up week after week. It's INTOXICATING. I can't get enough of it. Oh, and Mike Holmgren should be lanced for giving him $7 million.
I'm a Jerome Harrison owner. Why I haven't cut him yet is beyond me. All I know is that I hope, now that they traded him, that this is the week that Peyton Hillis snaps his tibia and leaves Eric Mangini completely and irrevocably fucked with Mike Bell.
Seahawks at Bears: Reader Brent issues this taste test report on the XXL Chalupa, a food product that will surely kill us all.
Don't get your hopes up for taco bell XXL chalupa even though they have been pimping it all over the mlb playoffs. These things are FUCKING AWFUL.
1) They only come as nacho cheese chalupas (the worst chalupa), a fact left out by the server at my taco bell after I ordered them baja-style.
2) The chalupa shell is certainly bigger, but there were no more innards than a normal size chalupa. This was something I was concerned about, since the ad stated that there would be twice the meat and the image shown is overflowing with meat. It failed to meet even my lowered expectations regarding volume of filling.
I am stunned that someone would be dissatisfied with a taco that resembles the front end of a bulldozer loaded up with human diarrhea. Taco Bell should just have a bucket of meat on its menu items. You pony up five bucks, you get a gallon bucket filled to the brim with nothing but Grade D giraffe meat. I'd take it out to an overpass and hurl it onto oncoming trucks.
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Changes," by Sugar. The sound on this upload is fucking terrible. Just buy the whole Copper Blue album, or else you're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
My wife went away on a trip this past weekend, so I had the entire bedroom to myself at night. I drank a shitload of wine, went up to bed early, put on the headphones, and blasted this song as loud as humanly possible. I also made sure to occupy as much of the bed surface area as I could. Getting shitfaced and listening to very loud music in a dark room is awesome. When I'm old and the kids are out of the house, I'm gonna buy a lot of weed and LSD and shrooms, and then I'm gonna go upstairs to rock with my cock out. Literally. I will have my penis out, and I will be diddling it.
Embarrassing Song I Like That Will Not Fire You Up
"The Lightning Strike (Part 1)," by Snow Patrol. If liking this song is gay, then call me Jake Shears.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Reader Alex submits Greg Jennings, who has three touchdowns this year but has only averaged 36 yards a game in a good passing offense. Bizarre. I submit that his lack of production is still directly tied to not dubbing himself "The Professor" and walking around in a sweater with no pants or underwear on.
Reader DirkToberFest also asks this question:
What is the proper protocol if another owner in your Fantasy Football League dies mid-season? I'm imagining a very uncomfortable scenario:
All of the guys in the league sitting around, mourning their friend's death. Someone brings up the fact that they were going to play George this week in fantasy football and wonders aloud whether he set his lineup. Everyone laughs about what it would be like if George lost to a dead guy. At that point, everyone has to be wondering if they can get George's password to ransack his team for any talent and whether they should go ask George's grieving wife for the password to his Yahoo! account.
What would you do here?
They should just find someone else to volunteer to take over George's team as GM for the rest of the season. That's the obvious solution. Then, if George's team manages to win the league that year, everyone should find that substitute owner and beat the shit out of him for doing too good of a job.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suggestions of Houston, New Orleans, and Atlanta were 1-2, making me 5-4 on the season. So, so reliable. Again, we pick three teams for your suicide pool and something that makes you want to commit suicide as well. This week, the picks are San Diego, Pittsburgh, the Giants, and baby carrots. Why does every bag of baby carrots also have a fucking quart of water inside it? Dry that shit off, Mr. Baby Carrot Packing Day Laborer.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Raiders getting 6.5 points on the road against San Francisco. I am outraged at New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino for comparing gay marriage to the Holocaust. There was NOTHING gay about the Holocaust, good sir."
2010 Nazi Shark Record: 2-2-1
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Chris sends in this story I call OSCAR THE POOP:
I read your Phillies related poo story today and was immediately reminded of my Phillies 2008 post-game 5 celebration dump.
Me and my friends decided to go to Broad St. to celebrate the World Series championship, we were underage at the time and had to go to a Chinese restaurant that does not card to buy 40's of Old English. Me, being the dipshit I am, decide to buy a huge feast of general tsos.
I eat my chicken and am celebrating hard with the Old English (I think I bought 3), then bought a fourth from my lightweight friend. So needless to say, I am a little drunk which always seems to loosen up my stomach (I am often that guy at party who takes a dump).
So the cops come and break everything up and we decide we want to walk back to school, which is about 15 blocks or so. We get about 3 blocks from my dorm room, and I feel a brick hit my lower stomach, but I think I can make it so I don't say anything to my friends. We get about 2 blocks away and this thing is coming, but were so close and I think I can make it. We are about 1 block now and things are getting ugly, I feel General tso and the old E raging war against me, I feel them just swirling in my stomach like coke and mentos being mixed.
I scan my surroundings and see I have 3 options: 1) try to run back to dorm, and most likely shit all down my leg. 2) Climb a fence into this construction site to use the port o potty, or 3) shit in the nearest trashcan. The trash can was next to a stairwell so I was blocked on one side but keep in mind I am right in the middle of campus. I can't see anybody so I say fuck it, I grabbed a Starbucks cup and went for the trashcan.
So there I am, my asshole friends dying of laughter at me perched on top of this big metal trashcan, pooping lava. It's a horrible, truly a low point in my life. I was honestly disgusted by what was coming out of me for the first time in my life. And then, to make things much, much worse, I look and up, and this guy is walking passed me, about 2 feet in front of my face, he looks at me and I will never forget his face, eyes bulging, face going from happy to confused, then to disgusted. My mind goes blank and all I could say was,
"Just pooping in the trashcan!"
The next day I am so disgusted by myself that on the way to class I had to see the damage. The can is just covered in shit, there is somehow shit on the ground next to it and people are walking by it no big deal, and I think, if only these people knew that it was human shit, I am a horrible human being.
I'm still trying to sort out if you got any in the Starbucks cup or not.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Lot of hate out there for Mike McCarthy, and it's easy to see why. I can't imagine any NFL player respecting a dude who looks just like the fat kid from Up. I bet he Hershey squirts his boxers at least twice a week. I keep expecting them to cut over to him during a game to reveal that has Oreo crumbs all over his jacket. He's such a little fat kid.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Cocktail weenies! Wrapped in bacon, of course. I'm going to a wedding this weekend. The groom (KOGOD!) has assured all of us a speedy ceremony, which is awesome. There's nothing like sitting through the ceremony for a scant 10 minutes before rushing to the bar and guzzling rum and cokes as if a nuclear bomb will hit the building within an hour. If you're ever forced to sit through a long wedding ceremony, that initial stampede to the bar rivals anything you'd see during a zombie apocalypse.
It's the best part of any wedding, really. The ceremony's over, and you know you're mere minutes away from the canapés flying out of the kitchen. I always eyefuck the kitchen door right after I've gotten my first drink. When's the food coming out? What treasures will those little waiters be holding? Will there be crab cakes? OF COURSE THERE WILL BE CRAB CAKES. And I keep my eyes on the door until I've fully assessed ALL of the hors d'oeuvres that are on the menu. Crab cakes? Nice. Chicken satay? ME RIKEY! Stuffed mushrooms? FUCK AND YES. Olives? I hate you. I make sure I've noted everything that comes out of that kitchen door, and I decide which canapés have top priority. Those little Peking Duck rolls? FUCKING ON IT.
It's always sad when the second wave of crab cakes rolls out and I realize that there won't be any NEW food on a toothpick heading out the door. It's like knowing there are no more presents left under the Christmas tree.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
AOKE BEER! From China! When you've had a long, hard day working a 20-hour shift at the lead Matchbox car factory, MAKE IT A-OK WITH AOKE! Reader Chris writes in:
Aoke Beer from Henan, China (the Alabama of the China.) I went to teach there for two years after I graduated college. The beer itself is 3.2%. The bottles were always recycled so it was common to find rust and discoloration along the rim of the opening you were supposed to drink from, if you were lucky enough to open the bottle without chipping pieces of glass into your beer. Which was an all too common occurrence. It tasted like they soaked 9 volt batteries in Red Dog then proceeded to water it down. Yet I still drank it, in a poor village community in the middle of nowhere, you take what you get.
They also made a winter special in which they added dried hot peppers and spices. If you vomited curry and strained into a mixture of water and beer you'd get that flavor.
God, that sounds horrible. It sounds like the kind of thing that could poison you instantly. I bet they force Tibetan monks to drink it as a way of making them deliberately impure. I MUST HAVE IT.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP is Troy Polamalu of the Steelers! Now, let me tell you a story about my dear old departed friend, TONY CURTIS. Some Like It Hot? Well, Tony liked it even HOTTER! He was married six times, and that doesn't even count the 13 marriages he had annulled!
"I remember the craziest one of all. We were in Vegas for the first ever ShoWest convention back in '75, and we had been making merriment all week. Champagne? YOU BET! Snorting gasoline? WHY NOT? So Curtis comes storming into the hotel room at 4AM in the morning one night. He's got on white shoes, crocodile pants, and no shirt! And he's got his arm around this hot little brunette number. She was unconscious at the time, but Evans knows talent when he sees it! Perfect breasts. An ass that even David Lean couldn't do justice to! She was a thing of beauty!
"‘Evans,' Curtis told me, ‘This is the one for me. No more bullshit. I married this gal tonight, and this one's gonna stick! I've never felt like this! I feel like I know everything about this girl!'
"So he throws her on the couch, and that's when I realize it. Perfect breasts. A prominent jawline. Shapely legs. I know exactly who this girl is! And I laugh and say to Curtis, ‘You maroon! That's your own daughter, Jamie Lee Curtis! Future star of such movies as My Girl 2 and Christmas With The Kranks!'
"Curtis just sneers at me. ‘Evans, you fool. This can't be my daughter! My daughter was born a man! LOOK!'
"And then he tore off her pants to prove his point! Oh, but he was wrong, dear friends. He was so very wrong. Evans could never enjoy the dance scene in True Lies after that!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Bills Fans
The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen. Watching a Terry Gilliam movie when you're 13 is pretty much the same as taking a hit of acid. Bonus points for Uma's boobs.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Well, Seymour, because of your penny-pinching, we're coming back from a field trip with the fewest children yet."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: A fanblog gallery filled with pictures of British pinup gal Rosie Jones (NSFW). If you are brunette, and you have a big rack and you are British, you're all right by me. Again, Rosie's existence is proof that more US newspapers need topless photographs. YOU INDUSTRY IS DYING AND NO TITS IS THE REASON WHY.
-For the gals: Reader TexasGal didn't send me anything this week. Shame, shame, no beefcake for you.
Enjoy the games, everyone.