Previously, we looked at bad '80s team songs. They were bad, but our morbid curiosity was not fulfilled. We asked you to send us more. You did not disappoint. Here are more awful '80s team songs.
The Glasgow Diamonds video is a classic. The Diamonds were the first American football team to be founded in Europe. Without them, we would never have been able to enjoy the Rhein Fire, the Barcelona Dragons, the Scottish Claymores, or any other NFL Europe team. Fittingly, they lead things off here.
Let's head out to Los Angeles for "Silver and Black Attack" by the 1986 Raiders. It's the only song on this list featuring Howie Long rapping. That alone would be bad, but then Matt Millen shows up and, well, this is currently in first place. Or last. It's bad.
The San Francisco 49ers dominated the '80s, so "Team of the '80s" is an appropriate name for their jam. With an intro featuring players air-trumpeting over synthesizer music, a Cosby Show reference, and Bill Walsh being described as "the boss of your dreams," this 49ers anthem is a winner.
This video has 100 percent more Zubaz pants than any other entry on the list. For that, and for the lines "Stop...Dolphin time" and "Just for a sec, let's all do the bump," borrowing liberally from MC Hammer and LL Cool J, and for the newspaper headline that notes Alexander Haig has arrived in Saigon, we cannot hate this. It's a shame the world will never know what Cory and the Fins could have done with a Super Bowl victory song.
Oh, New England. Your theme song wouldn't be so embarrassing if you hadn't been so thoroughly demolished by the Bears in Super Bowl XX. At the same time, you deserve some credit for making a song that sounds more like a song than other similar songs. And for that "Thanks for the oranges, Mayor Bradley" line.
The 1986 Redskins decided to thank their fans, so "Thanks to the 12th Man" was born. I'll just note that this features some exceptional choreography and RNC Chairman Michael Steele at the 29-second mark.
"Cuz the Blue Wave is on a Roll" is great because it sounds like a cross between "Yakety Sax" and "No Particular Place to Go." Also, it has Mike Tice "dancing."
Everyone remembers the Ickey Shuffle, but do you remember the "Who Dey Rap" from the 1989 Bengals?
Or its update sometime during the overlap of the Takeo Spikes and Marvin Lewis eras?
Let's hop over to baseball for a bit, shall we? The 1986 Mets were destined for the World Series and destined to enchant us all with the delightful jam, "Let's Get Metsmerized."
After winning the Series, the team produced this video. Any video that features Joe Piscopo deserves your hate.
The Cincinnati Reds were red-hot after their World Series win, so they produced "Reds Hot," a funky little number released under the name B-Lark and the Homeboys. Let the record show that at one point Paul O'Neill and Rob Dibble were considered homeboys.
The only possible explanation for this is that the 1986 Dodgers lost a bet. Nothing else can explain "The Baseball Boogie." This also serves as a stiff rebuke to anyone who thinks Orel Hershiser is cool.
Here we have "Here's to You, Men in Blue," a jaunty, jangly salute to the 1984 Chicago Cubs, with vocal work done by such notables as Jody Davis, Keith Moreland, and Rick Sutcliffe. It's shocking that this team lost in the NLCS.
This 1987 Mizzou Tigers rap is fun—one of the backing vocals is "funky bass" repeated several times—and they don't miss an opportunity to bring out the big, gawky white guys for a verse or two. Oh, and "I'm Stormin' Norm, I don't speak jive" is said by an old white man. You're the best, Mizzou.
The 1988 Arizona Wildcats lost in the Sweet Sixteen of that year's NCAA Tournament, which is unfortunate because this song should've been huge. Steve Kerr wears sunglasses and purrs that he'll "drill it in from three-point land"; Judd Buechler sings off-key; and backup point guard Kenny Lofton joins in on the fun.
A precursor to Cory and the Fins, T. Grose and the Varsity recorded this song for the 1986 Atlanta Hawks. Called "Nothing Can Stop Us (Atlanta's Air Force)," the song is lame—I mean, there's a saxophone solo—but the highlights are nifty enough to make this a mildly acceptable entry.
The 1988 Florida Seminoles created this. The highlight is the introduction of Chip and Pete, the quarterbacks who threaten to unload "some passes on you" if you don't watch out. Oh, then Deion Sanders shows up.
We're approaching the home stretch. It should be no surprise that hockey players made some of the cheesiest videos of this era. The Washington Capitals made four of them. "Double Trouble" premiered during the 1988-89 season.
"Out on Top" came out that year, too, and is somehow a different song.
The Caps doubled it up again the following season, first with "Red, White, and Blue."
"Capital Feeling" was the last of their hits. Who cares if they were lipsynching? These are terrible.
Of course, no discussion of hockey teams making silly videos would be complete without "Red Hot" by the 1987 Calgary Flames.
We have come to "The Beanpot Trot." Made by the 1986 Boston College Eagles prior to their Beanpot Tournament loss to Boston University, this video was not meant for public consumption and was leaked to the media. If you're going to gloat, at least do it publicly, guys.
"The Beanpot Trot" is bad, but it's nowhere near as bad as the winning (or losing) entry: "One For The Thumb," by the San Diego Sockers of the North American Soccer League. Aside from having the laziest nickname in the history of professional sports and aside from being an indoor soccer team, this video is plenty ridiculous on its own. Several children in wheelchairs? The fake intro with a traffic reporter tauting "bumper to bumper all the way down to the sports arena; it seems a lot of people are on their way to that big game tonight"? Coach Ron Newman wearing a tuxedo for some reason? Referring to soccer tickets as a "habit forming" medication? The various accents from the players? This is the worst team song ever.
Thank you to everyone who sent in videos.