A roundup of stories you might not have seen while staring at our spinning gears all day.

Christina Aguilera Is An Anti-American Slut, According To Pro-American Internet Commenters | "I got so caught up in the moment of the song that I lost my place," Aguilera has explained about last night's blunder. "I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through." Sure, fair enough. Now let's check in with Real America. What follows is an essay constructed entirely out of various comments appended to this Fox Nation post. (Emma Carmichael)

Guns N' Peas Is Where The Trajectory Of Man Began Its Steady Decline | So the Black Eyed Peas covered "Sweet Child O Mine" at the Super Bowl last night, with Slash helping out on guitar. First of all, FUCK YOU SLASH. You just spent the last bit of goodwill you earned from NOT being Axl. Secondly, the journey to our eventual self-extinction has begun. (Drew Magary)

Point: Those Fans Without Seats Are Being Whiny Babies | About 1250 fans ticketed for temporary seating areas found out before the game that, oops, the seats declared unsafe by the fire marshal. The NFL took good care of them though, to the point where the other 102,000 fans at the game ought to be jealous. (Barry Petchesky)

Counterpoint: But People Look Really Sad When They Can't Get Their Super Bowl Seats | This young cheesehead cried (video here, H/T reader Patrick) when he, along with 399 others, could not get into last night's Super Bowl. He cries for the others, young and old, left out in the Arlington cold. They will leave Super Bowl XLV with $2,400, tickets to next year's Super Bowl, and nothing. It's about the concessions! Here are the faces of Roger Goodell's America. (Jack Dickey)

A-Rod Eats Popcorn In The Most A-Rod Way Possible | One of the first half highlight of Super Bowl XLV, besides Ben Roethlisberger throwing two picks, has been this random four-second cutaway to A-Rod and Cameron Diaz — just eatin' some popcorn in their luxury seats. (Emma Carmichael)

Welcome To The New Deadspin Redesign | Hi. Weird, RIGHT? Anyway, you were warned this was going to happen. So here it is. In all its splashy glory, so follow along with me and I'll attempt to guide you through this ordeal. (A.J. Daulerio)

Deadspin Up All Night!

DUAN!ers are currently huddling together for warmth here.

Long Reads

One of the benefits of the new design is that we can give better play to our longer features. Why not go back and read some of them now?

The Worst Men In Sports | Our friends at The Good Men Project have compiled a list of the top 10 good guys in sports. This is not that list. (Deadspin staff)

The Confessions Of A Former Adolescent Puck Tease | In 1999, Katie Baker was a thoroughly self-possessed, hockey-loving 18-year-old headed for Harvard. Or so the older men she met online — and offline — believed. (Katie Baker)

This Is Pete Rose's Corked Bat | You're looking at an X-ray of a Mizuno PR4192 bat, commissioned by Pete Rose specifically for his 1985 chase of baseball's all-time hits record. Inside, clear as day, is a piece of foreign material, about 6 inches long, and the diameter of a nickel. This is the story of that bat. (Barry Petchesky)

School Of Fight: Learning To Brawl With The Hockey Goons Of Tomorrow | In which our writer goes to the notorious hockey fight camp for kids, takes a teenager's punch to the kidneys, and winds up finding the bruised soul of the game. (Jake Bogoch, photos by Chris Buck)

Top image by Jim Cooke