Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Before we get into this week's batch of hookup fails, I'd like to put out a call for more DHF stories from you readers. I just reached the end of my pile. So if you want DHF to keep going, send in what you got: email@example.com. As always, keep your tales concise, and please emphasize your own personal degradation and embarrassment. Don't be the guy who goes all Valley Girl just because you saw period blood on your index finger.
So, I'm in high school, and my parents take off for a weekend. Like any level-headed high school junior, I decide that a party must ensue.
There are about 50 people there, with the usual high school party shenanigans going on. Everyone has brought alcohol, so EVERYONE is schnockered. My girlfriend at the time decides that this would be the perfect opportunity to go down on me. We go to my room, and start the foreplay fun. She starts going down on me, and I can't stop laughing. For some god-awful reason, I had a flashback of the first season of Knight Rider, and this scene where the Hoff is sleeping in the driver's seat while kit is driving his lazy ass around. Needless to say, laughing while a girl is trying to impress you with "the best blowjob you'll ever get" blowjob is not wise. She gets pissed, puts her shirt on, and walks out of the house and down the street.
As iIm lying there pulling my pants up and laughing hysterically, my friend stumbles into his room with some random girl he met that night. He asks what the hell is going on, and I tell him. He thinks the situation is funny, and starts talking to me about it. Again, random hot girl is upset that we're being dumb boys, and leaves the room. Next thing I know, another friend barges in asking why hot random girl just pulled her friend off his lap and left the party.
Hasselhoff got the trifecta that night.
"You don't have to yell, Michael. I'm all around you."
Last summer I spent a Thursday night slamming $2 taps at a local bar with my friend Mossberg, who was visiting me. About a half-hour before bar close I ran into a pretty good-looking blonde, Megan, who I knew from the dorms freshman year. Fortunately she was just as hammered as I was and I managed to lure her into a cab back to my place with Mossberg.
Megan and I went straight to my bedroom and things were going well. We were down to our underwear when she said she had to go to the bathroom real quick. No problem, the bathroom was about five feet down the hall from my bedroom. Right as Megan stumbled into the hallway, Mossberg came bounding up the stairs, pushed her into the wall yelling "Me first!" and jumped into the bathroom ahead of her. Then he took a long, loud, obnoxious piss. Megan, slumped against the wall, started crying, grabbed her clothes and left, despite my pleading reassurances.
After she left, I sat in my room for a while, getting more and more worked up about Mossberg's huge cockblock. Finally, in a state of blinding drunken rage I entered the room in which Mossberg was passed out cold, dropped my pants, and teabagged the shit out of him. After a few seconds he awoke and we wrestled until he realized I didn't have any pants on. We had a good laugh about it in the morning.
Later that winter he cockblocked me again, this time I was hooking up in his bed. He walked in on me seconds away from insertion, and refused to leave until we got dressed and left his room. Again I stewed all night about it, and at 6 in the morning I walked into his room and suckerpunched him in the jaw while he lay passed out on his virginal bed. I have no regrets, and we remain good friends to this day.
KS (a lady!):
So I studied abroad a little while ago, and there was basically a big group of us who went out together all the time. Early in the semester, this guy who I decided I wanted to fuck decided that he wanted to fuck this girl in the group who I despised, for reasons that don't matter. I decided I didn't really care, there were other options available that I made use of. However, at one point still relatively early in the semester, this couple got in a fight while out one night, and I'm guessing in order to get back at her, he started dancing with me at a club. Being drunk, horny (always), and still despising this girl, I decided to go along with it. Things progressed, and we ended up hooking up in a couple relatively secluded places around the city. Neither of us having a condom, we decided to completely violate the rules of our program and go back to his house mother's apartment to have sex. We tried to be as silent as humanly possible, but headboards tend to make a bit of noise and, well, we were drunk.
Suddenly, we heard a thumping on the wall near his door that definitely wasn't coming from the headboard. It was his house mother.
I rolled off his bed and hid, stark fucking naked, under his bed. The door might have opened to look inside, I can't say for sure. I probably laid under his bed for about 5 minutes. Finally, when I decided that the coast was clear, I got back into his bed, only to find this moron SLEEPING and snoring like a motherfucking train whistle. I considered just booking it, but I had a vision of an old woman sitting in the foyer of the apartment holding a broom and stayed put.
We only hooked up (no sex) one more time, and he decided to stay with the other girl, creating an incredibly awkward situation for the rest of the semester.
Also, a couple months later, he got kicked out of his house mother's apartment for bringing back another girl, which he claims he did not do. Listening to essentially what amounted to his girlfriend question him about why his house mother would think there was a girl in his room was actually pretty sublime.
About 2 years ago, my wife and I paid a visit to her parents house for the holiday. Her mother and mother's boyfriend lived with another roommate in a ranch style house in the suburbs, so there was very little privacy. At the end of the night, my wife and I retire to the guest bedroom and things quickly proceed to go down. We lower the futon into a full bed and I drop trough and sit on the bed. My wife is climbing on top of me, and has just gotten herself and our bits into position, when the door to the room flies open. Her mother walks in holding laundry, completely mindless of anything that could be going on. I am now staring straight into the eyes of my mother-in-law THROUGH THE TRIANGLE of my wife's legs and my crotch. She then MET MY GAZE before wheeling around and getting out of there. My mother in law, in one single instant, saw 4 private parts AT ONCE. I can only imagine her terror.
However, in an incident a week earlier, we had stayed the night there, and were in the same bedroom. This is where the fact that multiple people live there come into play. My wife and I are in the middle of doing the deed when we hear a loud bang against the wall, we stop for a second, thinking maybe our actions where upsetting the one who were sleeping. Nothing else happened, so we continued quietly. We hear the bang against the wall again and stop what were doing. The bang then happens two more times in succession. We can't begin to fathom what's going on when suddenly we hear a loud groan and the banging starts again, more rapidly, and doesn't stop. Pete, the mother-in-law's boyfriend, is totally taking it to her in the very next room. Loudly and dominatingly. We have no choice but to turn on the tv to drown the noise and couldn't continue.
I now look at Pete in a completely different manner, as I am sure my mother-in-law looks at me.