Your morning roundup for June 18, the day "propaganda vans touted the importance of stability" in the Jeans Capital of China. (Video H/T, Jimmy Greek)
What we watched: Rivalries are generally a good thing, but this one, oh this one is fucking disturbing in an "appeals to pedos" kind of way.
"Welcome to Universal Royalty Pageants," said pageant director Annette Hill at the beginning of this week's Toddlers & Tiaras season debut. "The front runners is going to be MaKenzie and Eden. Both contestants are famous in their own right. This gonna be a showdown. I cannot wait to see the competition between these two."
Up for grabs is a pink-and-white canopy bed with rhinestones and $1,000. Lost along the way is any semblance of hope. It'd be easy to go on a reality TV as societal degradation rant here. Because that's exactly what this represents. But that's been done more or less every day since that gay tax cheat wielded his manmeat on the first Survivor. So let's just share a few observations from the show and be done with it.
MaKenzie, who calls the pacifier she used until early in her fifth year "Ni-Ni, a hard-working lady," is fitted for a "flipper" to make her busted-up grill look more pageant presentable. When Eden — who gets a cucumber facial — breaks things down, she says, MaKenzie's "probably about five, and I'm six, so I'm probably older than her." She's purty and has top-percentile IQ!
Eden's mom is named Mickie. She's excited for both an upcoming Entertainment Tonight appearance (limelight shared with MaKenzie) and her daughter's upcoming trip to perform some horrible song called "Cutie Patootie" at malls "just like Tiffany." Mickie says the ultimate goal is to seize the limelight from Charlie Sheen. Oh, muy bien. She just set up her kid's fork in the road as Jon Benet or coke-fueled harlot before the second grade.
When asked her favorite food, Eden, about whom a book has been written, said "everything." Favorite TV show: "Victorious." Life goal: "To rule the world." The crowd just found it all so adorable. When they cut to the "80s Pageant" itself, cutie patootie is seen scowling in her rival's general direction. They have before-and-after shots. MaKenzie's mother ensured that fishnet stockings were involved in the 80s whorish-dancing costume. Eden's mother thinks her brood will be "off the hook. ... We came to try to win the pageant. If you're going to do anything, give it 150 percent." Everybody involved needs a Silkwood shower, most notably the people at home who get a wee bit excited about it all.
Listen, I'm not steeped in pageant etiquette or culture, but I know one thing: When a balding 40-something, ample-chinned dude is one of your judges, it makes absolutely no fucking sense to put him on TV saying, "What I look for is more, uh, personality. To me, if I had to pick between Eden and McKenzie, I would pick McKenzie." It resembles a diary room outtake from a NAMGLA "Rate the Youth" event. It should require community notification.
This place we're collectively in, it's just gone too far. But thank Christ neither one of them won the bed. Serves 'em all right. [TLC]
What we're watching: Yesterday, Cubs pitcher Doug Davis got his first win of the season, giving up just three hits in 7 1/3 innings vs. the Yankees at Wrigley. Today, it's future-Yankee Ryan Dempster's turn to shut them down. Fine, the Cubbies are 29-40 and it's the type of season about which it's utterly impossible to care. But seeing the Yankees at Wrigley is novel enough to spend at least a half hour watching, especially when Fox's other national game is Atlanta vs. Texas. [Chicago Tribune]
"Two very, very good days of golf": Rory McIlroy has a six-stroke lead after the first two rounds of the U.S. Open at Congressional. People who pay attention to golf say his performance thus far has been nothing short of Woodsian. But even if Rory tacks three more strokes onto his lead today, he'll probably wonder, at least once or twice, whether nine's a big enough advantage. [Guardian]
Marky Mark can't save him now: Irish Micky Ward fought a stray dog Wednesday in Massachusetts and almost lost a finger. Unanimous decision: Stray dog. [TMZ]
Today, in Vancouver riot news...: Bro who was caught on video trying to torch a Vancouver police car turned out to be an aspiring water-polo Olympian. Sounds about right.
The teen's father, a surgeon in B.C., told CBC News on Friday that the Grade 12 student will be "doing the right thing" by turning himself in.
He added that he wishes that his older son had been there that night to look out for his 17-year-old. [CBC News] (H/T David C.)
Also, there's a ballad about dude who laid out the case against him on YouTube. Finally, it looks like the Bruins fan guy whose picture made the Twitter rounds might've brought his predicament on himself [CBC.ca].
Do not eat the green brownies: A 17-year-old Montana State football recruit faces a pair of felony charges "after several fellow high school graduates got sick from eating marijuana-laced brownies at an all-night graduation party. ... [He] acknowledged making them and that he had used 'way too much' marijuana." [AP] (H/T Tomuban)
In other sporting crime news: Former Washington Huskies hoopstar Venoy Overton done got arrested for pimping a ho [King5]. Raheem Brock, a DE on the Colts's Super Bowl team, done got arrested for walking out on a $27 tab at a South Street bar in Philly [Inquirer].
We are all Dave McKenna CXXXIV: Here's your daily link to Dave McKenna's brilliant "Cranky Redskins Fan's Guide to Dan Snyder," which we'll be posting until the day we wittle Danny sells the team off without having experienced the pleasure of a parade.
Speaking of moronic, self-inflated NFL owners: NFL.com and ESPN are reporting that team officials are being instructed to be ready for an extra night in Chicago after Tuesday's owners' meeting in order to stem the dissension in the ranks, not to vote on a new collective bargaining agreement as previously reported. [USA Today]
Always bet on Roger Goodell's enforcement army to ruin all the fun: The NFL is investigating the reported investment by at least 25 NFL players in an Alabama casino that has been shut down, a business venture that might have run afoul of league rules. [FoxSports]
Here's hoping Izzo has homeland-security clearance: The Spartans and Tar Heels will apparently play a Labor Day basketball game aboard the warship from which Osama bin Laden's body was dumped.
"Now that the Carl Vinson is back safe and sound and America is now well-aware of the important mission that was tasked to the Carl Vinson, we find it to be a source of pride that this ship will make history twice in 2011," Mike Whalen of the Morale Entertainment Foundation said. [CBS Detroit]
What we're listening to that's NSFW: A lady at Elon University talks about the 6' 8 Italian on the Atlanta Braves with a six-pack with whom she had carnal relations of the "oops" variety. "It felt really good," she said. [Carnal Romp]