This email just arrived in the Deadspin inbox:
My name is Brian Downing. As I'm sure you know, it's not easy being a Brian Downing this week. For the better part of forty years, the only minor inconvenience I've had associated with being a Brian Downing is when people ask me if I'm related to the baseball player of the same name. I'd politely say no and go about my day. Actually, that's not even an inconvenience. It's rather cool that people think I'm related to him.
But this week that all changed. People are still asking me about my name, alright, but it certainly doesn't pertain to any baseball player. Thanks to a particular douche from Alabama, my phone's been ringing off the hook. Friends call...co-workers call...people I don't even know call. They all have one grave concern about this Brian Downing.
It was funny at first, but then this morning it hit me: My dad reads Deadspin from time to time. If he reads it, what other people who once thought somewhat highly of me might read it? What are those people going to think? Some of them don't know how to contact me to ask me themselves. Some of them won't contact me for fear that it might be me who was in that video. How can I set the record straight?
I needed to come back to you, Deadspin, to help me out. Could you do me this one favor? Could you just publish this short letter to the many friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances that could very well be disgusted and sick to their stomachs at the thought that their Brian Downing was the guy on the news? Thank you so much for understanding and for helping a fella from Ohio out.
Dear Family, Friends, and anyone else who may know me,
In spite of what you may have read on Deadspin or saw on the news, I am not - nor have I ever been - an Alabama fan. I promise. Just the idea that recent events in New Orleans may have put that thought into your head makes me ill. I admit, I may not always be perfect, but even I would never stoop so low as to become a fan of the Crimson Tide. You can count on me for at least that much. I hope this clears things up and brings a sigh of relief to all of you.
Your Brian Downing.
Thank you, Deadspin. You're my only hope.
The other other Brian Downing.