Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering celebrity sex lives, Whoopi Goldberg's vagina, and more.
I apologize for not posting yesterday's Funbag on time. Due to various circumstances, you only get a half Funbag today, and I may have to work a limited schedule this month. But fear not: Everything will be back to normal soon. If by normal, you mean talking about hypothetical superpowers and pooping angst.
So, what would happen if you somehow were able to bare your ass and take a shit while skydiving? It seems like a physics class thought experiment made 100 times more mindblowing by the awesome splatter at the experiment's end.
Have you ever hocked a loogie off a bridge? You think it's gonna be awesome, and that the loogie will remain perfectly intact all the way down, and that it will hit that fucker driving a convertible right in the eye. But NO! The force of the air often breaks the loogie apart and scatters it in several different directions.
So imagine extruding out a shit while plummeting to Earth at terminal velocity. The force of the air would probably break the turd apart, and it would probably begin doing so even before the turd has left your ass. I went skydiving once. The air resistance is no joke. Your entire face gets driven upward, like you got a facelift. Your clothes stick to you. Any loose clothing goes flapping around like crazy. So imagine having a soft brown fudge dragon anywhere near you while that's going on. BAD. You will not escape that fall unscathed. The shit will go all over you, and then you'll barf, and then the barf will go all over you. THAT'S PHYSICS, PEOPLE.
One time, I took a dump while I was swimming in the ocean. I thought it would be hilarious. I was wrong. That poop floated to the service and immediately came after me, with the ocean waves bringing it closer and closer to my face and mouth. You never want to poop in an uncontrolled environment. Chaos Theory will ruin you for it.
Say you're watching the Super Bowl and your team is in it. As the game is winding down and it's a close one, you receive a call that a family member has just gotten into an accident and you need to get to the hospital. Do you finish what's left of the game (say 10 minutes real time) or get the hell out of there with guacamole all over your face? Depends on the family member for me.
Depends completely on the family member. If it's your spouse, your child, your mom, or your dad, you have to cut your losses and go. And chances are, you won't have a problem with it. You won't need to make that horrible Joe Theismann speech to yourself about what's really important and what isn't. If someone calls and tells you your Dad's head was split open in a car wreck, you'll GO. That's just what you do.
Everyone, at some point, has had the terrible guilt that comes with feeling inconvenienced when tending to a loved one. You feel like a real prick when someone tells you your brother has been impaled on a wrought iron fence and your first thought is, "Aw man, what a pain in the ass." But it's perfectly natural to feel that way, and I say that only so that I can justify my own repulsive selfishness in similar situations. What's that? I have to fly to grandma's funeral? God dammit. Everyone on Twitter is gonna watch Game of Thrones without me! NOT FAIR.
A long time ago, my grandma passed away. I hadn't seen her for five years prior to her death, and every time I meant to go see her I put it off, mainly out of pure selfishness. I couldn't be bothered, even though I really liked my grandma. It's not like it sucked to hang out with her. Then she passed away and it was too late for me to do anything about it. I've always felt guilty about it, and yet that regret still hasn't altered some of my fundamental selfishness. I very much wish it had.
My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and we've known each other for almost 9. She's always been much healthier than me, but recently, she's really gotten into eating healthy and only buying organic, natural products. Not only does this make our grocery bill triple digits every time, she gives me shit when I want to buy donuts, cookies or other assorted goodies. It's getting to the point where it's really fucking annoying and I don't want to turn into that guy who has to hide a Little Debbie in his pocket and eat it behind her back when she's around. We've discussed it, but she thinks she's looking out for the both of us by avoiding "chemicals" in food. Any advice?
You don't have a choice. You're gonna have to turn into the guy who has to hide a Little Debbie in his pocket and eat it behind the wife's back when she isn't around. This happens to every husband at some point. I consume half my daily intake behind my wife's back: candy, cookies, chips, extra alcohol, meat, everything. On business trips, I go INSANE. I'm like one of those bulimic college girls who has a footlocker stuffed with candy bars hidden under the bottom bunk. It's not healthy. But it's not my fault. YOU MADE ME THIS WAY, WOMAN.
But don't despair. It's actually quite thrilling when you get away with it. Knowing that I had a love affair with a Reese's Cup behind my wife's back without her ever learning of it is a genuine thrill. I feel like I pulled off a bank heist. SECRET PLEASURES.
For $5,000 cash, right now, one-time payment, would you, in every house you own for the rest of your life, hang a 3ft x 3ft close-up picture of Whoopi Goldberg's vagina above the couch in your living room?
I'm talking the main focal point of the main room in your house. Boom, Whoopi's purple catcher's mitt. We're talking friends, relatives, fellow PTA members. Everyone will see it. But hey, you got 5 grand out of the deal. You could just tell them it's a Georgia O'Keeffe.
If not 5 grand, how much are we talking before you would consider?
I don't think five grand would be enough. If I'm gonna see Whoopi's blue waffle everywhere I go for the rest of my life, I would want far more. I would want a lifetime of financial security. Even $50,000 wouldn't be enough. I think you have to go up to seven digits and beyond. Because some things aren't worth the money, you know? Is it really worth $100,000 to you to have that image intruding on you and your wife and your kids forever? Can you imagine the angst and discomfort that would cause?
If I were rich, I would just go around the world making terrible offers like this to people. Just to be a bastard.
Wilfork for food:
I saw somewhere a list of the most hated words in the English language. I saw a lot of people hated the word "moist" which is strange because to me it represents all things good, but one of my least favorite words is "panties". I hate saying it and I don't like when it is said outside of a saucy situation. Any words you hate to hear or say?
Did "moist" really beat out the n-word? I had no idea it was so powerful. Anyway, I definitely know people with certain word aversions. My wife hates the word CHUNKS, which is rough because 1) I forget that she hates it and then I say it and she gets mad, and 2) "Chunk" is a really useful word in some instances. If I need my wife to get a can of pineapple chunks, I have no good synonym handy to deploy. Can I have the pineapple, er, uh... things?
Let's say you could get the sexual memories from any celebrity for your "spank bank". Their experiences would be readily available in your own mind as if you were the one banging all the conquests. Whose memory files would you want? My friends all think that Hugh Hefner would be the obvious pick but I'm not so sure. Sure it would be nice to have a memory bank filled with Playmates from every decade since 1950 but I think a guy like Robert Evans would be better. He has real actual movie stars. Others making the list would be Elvis, Jack Nicholson and Leonardo Dicaprio....any thoughts?
You wouldn't want Elvis or Nicholson, because both of them might have been into creepy, gross stuff that you really wouldn't want a mental image of. I could easily see Elvis being a bush fetishist, demanding women with acres of pubic hair on their tummies and inner thighs.
Hefner is a safe bet. And if you grew up in the 80's as I did, you might also want to choose from the likes of Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Jani Lane, Bret Michaels and any other rock star who pulled gallons of hot sleazy tail on the road. You also have to consider whether or not you have to hear the celeb's voice and see his penis in those memories. I don't want to see Hefner's wrinkly old dick, or hear his creepy old man voice. I've seen Bret Michaels's penis. It looks just fine. I'd much rather roll the dice with a known penis like his. I just hope he doesn't sing while he's doing his business. CC, WHY DON'T YOU STOP YO TEASIN' AND START YO PLEASIN'?
When was last time you think Mohammad Ali had sex? I think he might have a deep dicking or two left in him.
I think he gets a nice sitting-on once in a while from the Mrs. Ever see the last sex scene in Leaving Las Vegas, where Elisabeth Shue sits down on Nicolas Cage's dying corpse and gives him a repulsive pity lay? It would probably look like that.
Whenever I shower and I'm not washing, peeing or miscellaneous, I always stand at a ninety degree angle to the shower head with my left shoulder facing the head. I've tried to stand other ways and it just feels weird to me. Do other people have similar shower standing habits?
It depends on where the shower door is. I often find myself wanting to face the shower door, so that I am never vulnerable to surprise knife attacks. But I find it hard to believe that there are people who remain perfectly in place for the duration of the entire shower. Most showers happen in this sequence:
1. The temperature check. You first lean in to check the water with your hand. If it's cold, you immediately rear back in horror at the coldness.
2. The tentative step-in. Okay, the water SEEMS warm, so time to step in. In my bathroom, you have to enter the shower from virtually under showerhead, so I have to move swiftly to the back of the shower to make sure that no cold water gets on me if I've gauged the temperature poorly.
3. The spin. The water is hot. QUICK! QUICK! GET IT ALL OVER MY BODY! NO SURFACE MAY BE LEFT UNMOISTENED! I face the shower to get the full blast, then I turn to get it going down my ass, and then I maybe turn back and forth a few more times. All warmth, all the time.
4. Set shampooing/washing position. Whatever you fancy.
5. The step away/turn off. I take myself out of the firing line of the showerhead while turning off the shower, so that if the water turns ice cold while passing by the blue portion of the faucet turn, I avoid it. After that, time to towel off and fap!
Time for a GREAT MOMENT IN FAKE POOP HISTORY
I'm driving down like a rural highway at like 1:30 am...and all of a sudden a look in my rear view and see the flashing red and blue lights...I pull over...and instantly think of what my dad said once...he said that he tried to tell a cop in Sweden that he had food poisoning and he was speeding because of that.
I figure I have nothing to lose and it's worth a shot...As the cop approaches my car, I already looked nervous and squirmy because I was being pulled over...so, before he even said anything, I say "Sir, I'm well aware of why you pulled me over..but the truth of the matter, without sugar coating it, is I have been looking for a washroom for about 30 minutes and don't think I have a lot of time left. I would not be doing this if it weren't a complete emergency and I apologize, but if we stay here any longer I'm going to have to go on the side of the road".
So he asked for my License and I said, "Please can you help me, I would appreciate it beyond belief".. The cop then contemplates trying to figure out where an open restroom would be and then he starts giving directions that don't seem to be making a lot of sense... Eventually he says "You know what? It's like 5-10 minutes, just follow me"...So he turned on his lights, I followed him and got a police escort to a gas station, I walked in..he drove off..I said "You are my hero." He laughed.
I walked in for 30 seconds and then walked out and continued on my way.