Whoa hey, is it time for the draft already?
IT IS! NICE! You know, I used to count down the days until the draft arrived, and the reason why I loved the draft was because it stood as an oasis of pure NFL-related bullshit in the center of a long, grueling offseason. The NFL draft used to be your one chance to watch an entire network (ESPN) devote itself to the NFL for one weekend in the spring. You get bukkake'd with the NFL every weekend in the fall, but back in the day the draft used to be the only real time during the offseason when the sports media universe would turn its sights back to the NFL and away from all the other pointless, boring sports that are actually being played in April. The draft used to BE the offseason. All of it.
But now, of course, everything is different. Now that the NFL has asserted itself as the biggest sports entity in the universe, it dominates the news cycle at all times, regardless of season. The little oasis of NFL talk that ESPN used to provide with the draft has now expanded indefinitely. ESPN talks about the NFL all the time (much to the chagrin of other leagues), and the NFL has a whole network set up now to satisfy your need for roundtable bullshitting at any time during the offseason. I hope you like your Jamie Dukes! (NOTE: Jamie Dukes is fucking awful.)
And this offseason has been the tipping point. Between Fetushead going to Denver and Tebow doing a two-year mission in New York and the Saints stuff and RGIII being ruined by Mike Shanahan ... well now, the NFL pretty much has owned the world's shit. The NFL was gone for much of last offseason due to the lockout and I missed it terribly, but now we have a full offseason and the NFL is stomping around like a giant 500-ton lizard shitting all over the place and there's no way you can possibly miss it because it hasn't come close to going away. It's parked itself right on your face.
This isn't to say that the NFL has overstayed its welcome on the scene. I'm more than happy to have it omnipresent in my life and using its robot spiders to collect tissue from my liver while I'm asleep. But it has softened the anticipation for this draft. We've been talking about Andrew Luck going to the Colts for eight months now. No lie. That discussion topic has been squeezed dry like a Capri Sun bag. And the biggest trade in this draft (Skins leaping to No. 2) happened two months ago. All the drama and speculative bullshit that the draft used to serve up in a single weekend has now been stretched and rolled out and stretched again. They could switch the actual drafting process from three days to three months and it wouldn't feel much different.
I used to count down the days until the draft arrived. There's no need for that anymore. The draft is always here. Always going on. The NFL has made a concerted effort this offseason to see if the nation has a limitless appetite for its product, and so far the answer is FUCK AND YES. You may get fartsniffers like Wilbon complaining about this, but they're a shrill minority. Roger Goodell will suspend them from America for six weeks. The NFL draft and NFL offseason have coalesced and taken over the universe, and we're powerless to stop it. Time for your annual NFL draft Jamboroo. BOOSH.
All drafts in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms. And during the playoffs, I pick the games, because why not.
The draft: Well well well, look who went crying to USA Today, denying that he used to tip draft picks.
I talked to producers for years about how they were ruining the draft. I'm not saying we should suppress the news. I don't mean fake things, but there should be some suspense... Contrary to what's been written, the NFL doesn't tell ESPN — and I don't get it in my ear — about picks beforehand
BULL. FUCKING. SHIT. Chris Berman, you're so full of shit, I'm surprised you don't sweat brown fluid. For DECADES, this man has tipped picks, and now he's trying to flip the script? No way. I guarantee you, when the NFL handed down the request to stop tipping picks, that Berman stomped around his office like a fat sniveling shit over this. No tipping picks? BUT THAT'S MY THING! PEOPLE LOVE IT WHEN I DO THAT!
I bet his producers at ESPN are just wild about him throwing them under the bus. I hope they give him laxatives instead of the Canadian drugs he usually requests.
• If you're looking for a proper mock draft, the people at Walter Football decided to aggregate every single mock draft into one chart. I fault them for including mock drafts from the Trolling Hivemind of Bleacher Report (one of them has the Colts taking Trent Richardson), but it's fun to scroll through really fast and get a general sense of what the Top 5 will look like. The names come to life!
• If you were curious as to why the NFL draft is always a gamble, please note this roundup of scouting reports from MJD at Yahoo that featured actual quotes from scouts like this one:
I just don't know if football is that important to him. He was raised by women, which bothers me. I mean, how tough can he be? It's not his fault, but it's still reality.
Trying to figure out if a college player will make a good pro is enough of an inexact science, but then you add to that a layer of scouts who project their own prejudices onto a player and it becomes even more ludicrous. As much as I like the NFL, it's a business that attracts an awful lot of self-important assholes. And self-important assholes tend to do things like discount a player because women raised him, or because he's never gotten a girl to agree to anal, or because he wore a purple shirt and might be gay. Imagine every college prospect being evaluated by an army of A.J. Smiths. That's why the NFL draft is so fucked up.
• I had to take out the garbage the other day. I took the bag out of the can, put the bag outside, came back in, forgot to put a new bag in the can, went to throw away a banana peel, and the fucker landed right at the bottom of a bagless can. This happens EVERY FUCKING TIME I take the garbage out, and it's the worst thing ever. I wish garbage cans re-bagged themselves. That's the only thing a Diaper Genie has going for it. The Diaper Genie has an endless bag on a roll that you cut off and knot at the bottom, so you never have to re-bag it. Granted, the roll refill costs roughly $700, but still. It's pretty sweet.
• I bought minivan in December and all modern minivans come equipped with a rear camera to make sure you don't back over your own child on the way to the sex toy parlor. This thing makes parallel parking a breeze, because I always know if I'm too close to the car behind me. I can really push that shit to within a centimeter or so. But I worry that using the rear camera to parallel park is a performance enhancer. I need a professional driver to let me know if I'm a pussy for using it. Like playing poker with sunglasses on.
• Also, lots of new cars come with a computerized fuel gauge that tells you how many miles you have left to drive until your gas tank is empty. This is the greatest thing ever, because I no longer have to start freaking out the second the gas tank drops below a quarter tank. Now I can get that fucker down close to single digits before fueling up. I get to the pump and I keep trying to see if I can break my previous personal best for gallons pumped. LOOK AT THAT PRICE CLIMB! I'M GONNA GO BROKE AND I LOVE IT.
• I was reading a book about dogs to my kid the other day and the book included a fact about dogs that I did not know. Dogs possess an extra organ called a Jacobson's organ that allows them to "taste" anything they smell. They means when a dog smells shit, it can taste it. That's awful. Ah, but when a dog smells steak, it can taste that as well. Oh, what I'd give to be able to walk into a restaurant and taste-smell everything everyone else is eating. God, that would feel so naughty. It wouldn't be worth tasting farts and shits, but still.
• I read the biography of Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson and it's basically 500 pages of glaring proof that Steve Jobs was a miserable sack of shit. One of the many, many examples is the fact that Jobs always parked in handicapped spots and never had a license plate on his car. And what I want to know is: How the fuck did police let Jobs get away with this? Why wasn't his car towed 50 times a week? I don't park in handicapped spots, and the reason why I don't is mostly because I don't want to get towed. Sure, I also like being a good person, but mostly I'm acting in my self-interest. I don't want my car ticketed or towed, so I have a license plate and I park in normal spots. If you or I parked in a handicapped spot, we'd get towed in ten minutes flat. But Jobs was able to do it regularly and get away with it? THAT'S BULLSHIT. Let's dig up his grave so we can give him cancer again. Steve Jobs is a dick.
• I also read The Monster Of Florence by Doug Preston and Mario Spezi, which is a great book. Never get arrested in Italy. Ever. Their criminal justice system makes ours look like a paragon of human efficiency. Also, I find the idea of an Italian serial killer utterly charming. I'm not nearly as frightened by a serial killer who cuts out ladyparts when he's got a bit of Italian flair. AND NOW I SLICE-A YOU!
• Every time I read my wife's US Weekly on the shitter, I go right to any page featuring Kate Middleton. Oh, Kate Middleton. You are an island of classy fappiness in a sea of dogshit.
• KSK reader David sent in this article about Goodell flying to Minnesota to save the Vikes' stadium deal. It included this nauseating quote:
As Goodell made his way into the governor's office, he was greeted by Larry Spooner, a Vikings fan who wore a team jersey and held a sign that read: "Vikings Stadium — Yes."
"It was kind of like seeing God walk by — not really — but God's assistant," a smiling Spooner said afterward.
Jesus Christ, Larry Spooner. You're deifying a fucking bureaucrat. I bet the Ginger Hammer printed that quote out and hung it up in his push-up room. Roger Goodell blows.
• I was out the other day and some lady was letting her cell phone ring forever and ever before realizing that it was HER phone ringing and she finally got around to picking it up. If you don't know your own phone's ringtone, you should be fucking SHOT. "Oh, is that MY phone?" Yes! Yes, it is! You fucking moron. PICK THAT SHIT UP. Learn your own ringtone, and try not to set your master ringer volume to somewhere just north of GODZILLA BEING STABBED TO DEATH.
• The worst issue of any magazine in any year is the annual Time 100. It's useless. They gather up 100 celebrities to kiss the ass of 100 OTHER celebrities, and somehow you're supposed to find this revealing. Did you know that P!nk thinks Adele is amazing? NO FUCKING WAY. And that Kathy Griffin says that Chelsea Handler is just a "trash-talking gal from Jersey"? EXPLOSIVE NEWS. They even roped poor Howard Stern into writing an ode to fucking Matt Lauer. It's like a bible of starfucking. Every copy should be burned and the ashes should be used to poison Joe Klein's coffee.
Predraft Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Fertile Green," by High on Fire. This is, surely, the least relaxed song ever written about smoking weed. Head to the 1:40 mark for the insane solo. Matt Pike isn't fucking around, people.
I went to go get lyrics for this song off a simple Google search and searching for song lyrics is always a rough experience. Every song lyric site is like a clearing house for shitty pop-up ads, malware, and banner ads asking you if you'd like to download a ringtone (how will I know it's mine?). I need Wikipedia to start archiving lyrics so that I never have to go to azlyrics.com ever again.
Embarrassing Song I Kinda Like That Will Not Fire You Up
"Brighter Than the Sun," by Colbie Caillat. FUN FACT: I'm pretty sure this video could double for one of those new Miracle Whip ads.
My kid liked this song whenever it came on the radio, and I was like, "Hey, this isn't so bad." So I downloaded it and now she listens to it all the time and I want to die. The worst is when it comes on and then my two older kids start fighting with one another, so Colbie Caillat is playing her little summer ditty as these two are trying to stomp each other's eyes out. WHY CAN'T YOU BE AS SUNNY AS THE MUSIC, CHILDREN?!
Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit
It's that magical time of year, when Gregggggggg Easterbrook takes time out from bitching about cop shows to display a touch of mirthfulness with his annual mock draft, in which he literally mocks the draft is by incorporating recent people in the news. What a treat. Gregg had the Vikings take Michele Bachmann at No. 3, because they're from Minnesota and so is she! HILARIOUS! Perhaps the nuances of that joke are lost on you non-Ivy types. And the Bills take Jeremy Lin because ... Jeremy Lin! That's a person of renown, yes? He was in the Time 100! And the Broncos take Uggie! Wait till the Patriots take Mitt Romney! COME ON PEOPLE, THIS IS GOLD.
But in all seriousness, TMQ must again point out the national scourge that is WEASEL COACHES:
The Bucs dangled money, so Greg Schiano walked out on his promises at Rutgers.
OMG! You mean he left one job for another job that paid more money? What a fucking scumbag. That never happens in America.
Buccaneers, TMQ's Law of Weasel Coaches holds: when you hire a coach who's only in it for himself, you get a coach who's only in it for himself.
So true. The Bucs should have hired one of those coaches who isn't in it for himself. Here's a handy list of candidates:
1. No one
2. FUCKING NO ONE
I wish the Bucs had had the gumption to hire a truly selfless football coach, like the corpse of Gandhi. Gregg then pats himself on the back for warning Arkansas about hiring Bobby Petrino a few years back. Yes, because no one else on Earth thought that Bobby Petrino was the scum of the fucking Earth.
Anyway, back to the draft mocking. Gregg has the Jags taking a cricket player. WHOA HEY THAT'S WACKY!
Now that Shahid Khan, born in Pakistan, owns the Jaguars, look for him to import Pakistani talent.
It's funny because he's Pakistani!
8. Miami: Wang Shu, architect.
(Jeremy) Lin was born in California and attended Palo Alto High, which is visible from the Stanford campus. He led Palo Alto to the state title. Yet Stanford did not recruit the star from its own town, though an "official visit" would have entailed crossing the street. Had he been thousands of miles away, surely Stanford would have said, "We've got to get that Jeremy Lin."
That makes no sense at all.
When (Jerry) Jones bought the 'Boys, his first super-brilliant move was to fire Tom Landry.
And replace him with Jimmy Johnson, who won two Super Bowls.
More than two decades later, all Dallas head coaches combined under Jones have fewer victories than Landry.
I'm never one to enthusiastically defend Jerry Jones, but his team won three Super Bowls after firing Tom Landry. Landry was 17-30 in his final three seasons as Dallas head coach. Was Jones supposed to keep Landry as his coach this whole time, even after Landry died in 2000?
On the day Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni resigned, the team was 10-24 with (Carmelo) Anthony and 7-2 without him. Me-first and constantly complaining, Anthony would be a perfect fit for Rex Ryan's system.
Please note that, since D'Antoni resigned, the Knicks have a record of 15-6. That's with ME-FIRST GLOREE BOY Anthony leading the team. Woe to any team that dare keep a WEASEL PLAYER on its roster. If the Knicks had nothing but undrafted free agents, they could rule the NBA.
One reason not all NFL teams go strong for quarterbacks is that coaches and general managers are concerned with avoiding criticism. Drafting a quarterback high exposes the coach and general manager to jeering if the player fails, whereas if a highly drafted lineman or linebacker becomes a bust, few remember.
So true. I think we all remember Matt Millen getting NO criticism for drafting Mike Williams or Charles Rogers. Draft a shitty non-QB, and you're certain to never get fired. You think Jags fans will be upset with that cricket player they just took? No chance.
By the way, drafting a QB all but ensures a coach and GM will get at least two extra years on the job before getting shitcanned. It's actually an easy way to deflect criticism.
Being wrong about JaMarcus Russell, a quarterback drafted first overall, led to Oakland head coach Lane Kiffin being fired after a single season.
Lane Kiffin had NOTHING to do with the drafting of JaMarcus Russell. And Al Davis fired Kiffin because he hated his guts.
One of the ironies of life is that low ethics may not even work.
So ironic. Turns out that having high ethics results in having good things happen to you, which is WAY ironic.
It is an encouraging sign for the NFL public image — and for constructive reform of football — that commissioner Roger Goodell was tough on the Patriots in Spygate, and now has been tough on the Sinners in Sinnersgate.
Larry Spooner concurs. Now if only Saint Goodell could help restore Newsweek to its former glory.
This offseason, Goodell also zapped the Cowboys and Redskins over salary cap misuse.
Yes, and that was one of the most blatant cases of bullshit collusion in the history of everything ever. Thank God that Roger Goodell had the ETHICS to exact petty revenge on two teams that went over the owners' secret salary cap in a year that didn't have a fucking salary cap.
That Goodell has held powerful people accountable for misdeeds is a positive indicator of his leadership.
Yes, yes! Football is nothing without STRONG MORAL FIBER. Roger Goodell should be chosen first in every mock mock draft! Gregg Easterbrook is fucking horrible.
Great Moments In Poop History
Reader Rob sends in this poop story I call BRINGING UP POOPY:
My wife had pre-eclampsia which is essentially insanely-high blood pressure, and if it becomes eclampsia it could be fatal to mom and/or baby. We were told that if she had intense headaches which caused her to see spots, we needed to get to the hospital. It was Christmas night, and the baby wasn't due for a month. We just finished up Christmas activities at my parents house, and as we got in the car, she told me that we needed to call the doctor. As I drove, she called and the doctor told us pack for a few days and head to the hospital. Once there, they said they were going to induce her which consisted of giving her an assload of medicine that made her throw-up a lot. After being on the medicine 18 hours and the cervix not budging, the doctors came in and said that it could take up to a few days for labor to kick in. When they left the room my wife told me to go home and get some stuff to entertain myself. As it was the day after Christmas, I had a slew of new video games and movies that I could use so I agreed.
Upon leaving, there was a gurgling in my stomach. The hospital gave dads-to-be one complimentary food coupon and I cashed it in first thing that morning for some cold eggs and bacon. We only lived five miles from the hospital so I thought I could make it. About halfway there, it became difficult to contain. The horrible clenching feeling was unbearable. I was pushing off the floor of the car with my left foot to where I was almost standing in an effort to relieve any pressure I could off my stomach. I had to make it because I didn't want my baby's first impression of me to be that my car smelled like shit.
Miraculously, I made it to my apartment. Unbuckling my belt as I ran up the stairs, I unlocked the door and high-tailed it to the bathroom. As I turned around to sit, an initial blast came flying out - all over the toilet and onto the wall. I sat down and finished my business, mess-be-damned. Afterwards, I assessed the damage. Shit was on the floor, on the wall, on the back of the toilet. It even got stuck in the hinges of the toilet seat. My in-laws were coming over that night to put together the crib and dresser so I couldn't just leave it and come back in a day or two. My wife, being anal-retentive, would notice any stray pieces of shit if I did a half-assed job so I grabbed our cleaning supplies and got to work. After 20 minutes I declared the job good enough to pass inspection so I washed up, grabbed my new games, grabbed my PS2 and some movies, and leisurely made my way back to the hospital. I arrived as they were wheeling her out of the room for an emergency C-section. A nurse stayed behind momentarily to point out where my scrubs were but told me, I wouldn't be allowed in if things were going bad. I waited for about 30 minutes before they got me. As each minute passed, I assumed the worst. By the time they got me I was so nervous and my breathing was so heavy, that my wife (with doctor's up to their elbows in her sliced open stomach) was laughing at me. When it was all said and done, I had a healthy baby girl a month earlier than expected. Afterwards, my wife asked where I was as they wheeled her off. I told her I was speeding and got pulled over, but talked my way out of a ticket when I said my wife was going into labor.
Fire This Asshole!
I don't think I can add Sean Payton to the 2011 chopping block because he wasn't technically fired, but still, what a nice little bonus. He lost his job for a full year, and I'm always happy whenever a coach loses a portion of his livelihood. Now, here is the prospective 2012 firing list:
• Andy Reid
• Norv Turner
• Leslie Frazier
• Jason Garrett
• Mike Shanahan
• Chan Gailey
• Rex Ryan
• Gary Kubiak
• Romeo Crennel
• Lovie Smith
• Mike Smith
• Ken Whisenhunt
• Marvin Lewis
• Pete Carroll
• Pat Shurmur
Browns fans demanded Shurmur be added to the list. I'm not one to argue.
Drafttime Snack Of The Week
Milkshakes! Just to sum up all of my milkshake learning from the past year, you probably need to consume these three milkshakes at some point in your life:
1. Portillo's Cake Shake
2. Chick-Fil-A Banana Pudding Shake
3. Any shake from Cook Out
As of now, that's the list. There will be more.
Drafttime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Old German! Reader Frail Blazers sends in this terrible looking shit from the attic of the Iron City brewing facility:
Look at that lederhosen-clad little German man, and that classy all-white can. It's a design miracle. My buddy just picked up a sixer for $4.29 at the Market of Choice (Whole Foods type store) in Corvallis, Oregon—not as cheap as some beers, but still damn wallet friendly considering six packs of beer often run $9 or more at the store (expensive for out here).
My buddy describes the taste as, "It reminded me of when I drank my first beer: not bad, but there's got to be something better out there."
"The World Knows No Finer." I am skeptical. Still, I MUST HAVE IT.
Robert Evans' Steal of the Draft Watch!
Time for legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans to give us his Steal of the Draft. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my steal of the 2012 NFL Draft is quarterback Brandon Weeden! I love a late bloomer. Did you know that Diane Keaton was a virgin until age 38? True story. I was in bed with her one night and she said to me, 'Evans, you won't believe me, but I've never actually done this before.'
"'What? Make mouth love on the roof of Count Burginon's chateau? EVANS UNDERSTANDS, BABY. THE FRENCH AIR ADDS TO THE DANGER.'
"'No,' she said. 'This. I've never been with a man at all. It just never interested me until now.'
"Well, that stopped me dead in my tracks. But not for long. I slipped a finger inside her and told her to take off her glasses and that ridiculous blazer she was wearing. She did as instructed. Then I began singing her Spanish lullabies. Within five minutes, one finger became two. Then two became three. Then three became ME!
"'Oh, EVANS!' she cried. 'Is it always this good?'
"'Baby, it is if you've got an Evans attached.'
"After that, the ol' gal was on her way. KNOCK 'EM DEAD, DIANE!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Raiders Fans (no good picks)
Hugo. Oh, hey! We found your dead dad's robot! And we found the heart-shaped key needed to make it work! Let's turn it and see what happens.
Oh look, the robot is actually a MacGuffin that leads us to a solemn lecture about the era of silent films! WHAT A THRILL.
In a better movie, that robot would have come to life and went on a stabbing rampage.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
Smithers: Excuse me, ma'am: don't you think you've gambled enough?
Smithers: OK. We're required by law to ask every 75 hours. Get her another free drink.
Enjoy the draft, everyone.