I got this letter from Funbag reader Anthony, which seemed rather timely:

My cousin is about to graduate high school and I've written him a letter telling him all the things I wish I had known about college when I was his age. I've covered the high points: go to class, be careful which frat (if any) he chooses, try to have plenty of sex, play intramural sports, go to parties, etc. Anything you can think of that I should add in there? He's a smart, athletic kid, but I think he's kind of socially awkward.

Many of you dipshit high school seniors will finally stop clogging up my local grocery store and graduate in the coming weeks. Some of you will be heading off to college, while some of you will choose to be unemployed right away, WITHOUT any pesky student debt hanging over you. For you kids in the former group, I can think of a few things you should keep in mind once fall rolls around:


1. Don't get into a serious relationship with anyone. Chances are, he or she will get drunk and have sex with someone else. Or you will and you'll feel terrible about it, even though YOU'RE 18 AND SHOULD BE GETTING DRUNK AND FUCKING PEOPLE. And if you're in a relationship with someone before heading off to school, you may as well end it. That's all standard operating procedure.

2. Never ask anyone out on a formal date. I did this all the time in college, because I apparently learned everything I know about relationships from watching Love Connection. One time, I asked a girl out and she said yes and before we could go out on a date, I saw her out at a party getting tongued by a dude in a Smurf costume. Dates are for old people. Getting hammered and serendipitously ending up with someone grabbing your crotch is for the college set.

3. Don't bother trying to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with you. I went to college thinking that I would act differently than I did in high school, but I was wrong. I still wanted to be popular, and I still wanted to hang out with the right people instead of just wanting to make real connections. That's the mistake so many kids in high school and college make. You want to be seen with cool people, so that other people know that a.) you have friends and b.) your friends are way cool. That way, other people will want to hang out with you and want to fuck you. But that's a huge mistake. The best thing you can do when you go to college is to create a support system for yourself, to find real friends who will cheer you up when you feel like shit, and drag you home when you're lying facedown shitfaced in the school duck pond. Those friends don't have to be popular, or play sports, or be attractive. They just have to be genuine friends. I tried forcing so many friendships in college and it was fucking stupid of me. I should have just appreciated the real friends I already had. Ever ditch a real friend just so you could hang with people you thought were cooler? We call this Ronald Miller Syndrome. Don't let it happen to you.


Once you have a decent support system, you'll end up acquiring confidence, which is pretty much the most important thing in the world for any college student. Once you believe in yourself fully, it's straight A's and everyday poon tang for you!

4. Take note of the campus security phones. Every time I walked home from a party and saw one of those emergency phones, I immediately pictured a deranged man jumping out of the bushes to pin me down and rape me, only I manage to get to the phone in time, summon an elite squad of mustachioed campus security, and the rapist is foiled. I never got to live out that fantasy, but surely you might have a chance. LOOK OUT! IT'S JERRAMY STEVENS!

5. Don't visit your professor during office hours just to chat. You fucking brown-noser. You're making Professor Threadgill late for supper.

6. If you have the means to study abroad for a semester, study abroad for a semester. No one has ever ended up regretting the four moths he spent failing out his college's Irish sister school.

7. If there's a frat party you really want to go to and it turns out that the frat party entrance is being guarded by four complete assholes who want to prevent you from packing into a sweaty basement with 750 other people with a line at the keg that goes 50 deep, find another party. It's amazing how often you'll pressure yourself into having a good time at college. You'll be standing in the corner of a frat party with 50 people pressing against you and you won't be able to hear a goddamn word anyone else is saying, and you'll try and convince yourself you're having fun. You aren't. LEAVE. Go somewhere else and breathe. Find that pothead six doors down in the dorm and ask to take a hit from his Cartman bong. Be confident enough to do what you really, truly want to do. Sometimes, college isn't the drunken orgy you planned on. Don't go committing seppuku if that's the case.

8. If you're gonna study at the school library, bring a fan. I don't know about other colleges, but my college librarian always kept the thermostat at a toasty 108 degrees. I don't even understand the point of college libraries anymore. We have WikiAnswers. Totally reliable. The library is for asskissers who bother professors during office hours.


9. Practice your dismissive wanking motion for that one person in class who's always looking for an argument. There are certain college students who attend class convinced that they're in the middle of a fucking Aaron Sorkin script. These are horrible people who prevent the rest of the class from learning shit. Be sure to make the requisite wanks and eyerolls to other students in the class, including that one girl (or guy) you'd like to nail.

10. Make liberal use of the cafeteria cereal dispensers. In New York, cereal is $7 a box, so take advantage while you can. I used to eat 30 bowls of cereal a day at college.

11. If you're a student at Ohio Northern, drop out. What are you, an idiot? You paid $50,000 to go to a 16 seed? Reader Brandon explains just how you're wasting your money:

I dated a law student at Ohio Northern, it is a horrible fucking place. They have one bar. Not one bar for college kids and one for townies, one total. Anyone that visits that campus and volunteers to pay $50K per year to go to school there deserves all the bad things in the world.

You heard it from the horse's mouth. Or, at least, the mouth of a horse who dated another horse who wanted to be a horse lawyer.


12. Remember the immortal words of Viv Savage. Have a good time all the time, kids.