Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Old man got KO power. Osceola, FL Courthouse Brawl Breaks Out." Tonight's commentator: Deadspin columnist Drew Magary.
Never go into a fight with sunglasses resting atop your head. That's just common sense. Here we have an old Robert Altman-looking dude in a suit going toe-to-toe with a father-son team that features the dad wearing a hat that says BONE and rocking a cheek wart the size of a fucking nickel. Both Altman and one of the sons has a pair of sunglasses resting on top of their heads. Do the sunglasses stay in place during the fight? THEY DO NOT. If you're gonna fight and you wanna keep your sunglasses intact, you have to spring for Croakies, no matter how stupid they make you look. Some other highlights from this encounter.
• The fight itself lasts only about thirty seconds, and it features a strong counterpunch from Altman ("Git yer hand off of me!") that breaks his opponent's jaw. Jawboy ends the video being carted out on a stretcher. A stretcher for a broken jaw? Nice going, Dwyane Wade.
• I'm inclined to root for Altman in this video because he's fighting alone and because, after breaking a kid's jaw, Altman assumes the Olde Irishe Boxer stance. You rarely see that stance deployed without irony.
• The cops come into this video in under a minute, and I think we can all agree that cops ruin good fight videos. The rest of the video is just them dealing with the boring aftermath. All the lady cop has to do is point her taser and yell STAY WHERE YOU'RE AT! and the fight is over. Lousy tasers.
• I like the guy who shouted EVERYBODY RELAX! well after the fight was already broken up. Way to keep everyone in line, peacemaker.
• Some random quotes for your enjoyment: "I'm gonna tase you!" "I just sprained my finger." "Like father, LIKE SON!"
• I'd like to thank all the extras in this video for acting the exact same way I would act after a brawl. I would stand like there like fucking idiot, staring at people and taking up space until the cops told me to get the fuck out of here. It's comforting to know that I would not be alone in deploying that particular post-fight strategy.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• Sadly, this video does not include a trolley version of Epic Beard Man, but it does involve face slapping on public transportation in which the verbal fray involves the line "Who's your bitch?" or some variation thereof. As such, it is to be celebrated. Nay, embraced. (Start of violence, 0:14)
• The popo don't do that good a job of breaking up this knife fight at Nyinchi market. (SoV, instantly)
• Mall Brawl! Mall Brawl! (SoV, 1:03)
• On a very special episode of "White Dude Vurses Black Dude," a white dude "decides to get all ghetto at a Nappy Roots concert in Billings, Montana." (SoV, 0:20)
• Your Poorly-Lit, Possibly In Silver Spring, Md. IHOP Parking Lot Brawl Intermission (With Arrests!):
• This week, TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony C reports in with "A Strange Doctor-Patient Fight Recorded In Surprising High-Definition." (SoV, 0:12) Also, "Guangdong Youth Fight Until The Weapons Comes Out, Whereupon They Chase." And, "Hong Kong 'black cab' drivers fight for customer."
• The nexus of this skate-park brawl is explained as such: "They get in a fight because the short one did cookies and the tall told him to clean up the rocks , wich ended to this." (SoV, 1:30)
• Your Look At This Hood-Fightin' Hoopster Interlude:
• This week's Philly street-fight roundup starts with a delivery man getting punched in the face. (SoV, 0:24) Bonus Coverage: People Seem To Be On Lisa's Side In This West Philly Street Brawl. Bonus Coverage II: Oh, this poor, poor guy.
• Meth head vs. Black chick. WHO YA GOT? (SoV, 0:41)
• Here's a classy sucker-punch. (SoV, 0:21)
• Your Hapkido Gun Attack Self Defense One To Grow On:
• Not sure why it's necessary that these pugilists are Mexican, but whatever, YouTuber joegreen1888 thought it was. (SoV, 0:12)
• Watch TJ and Dylan become the center of attention in Grand Junction. Which probably isn't that difficult to do, come to think of it. (SoV, 0:06)
• Per MrWyneBrown, "White boy looking for a fair fight and the black boy to pussie to fight and had to use a weapon. White boy got a hair line skull fracture after the last hit. White boy couldnt keep his balance on rocks. that is why he fell four times." (SoV, 0:25)
• Others: "Protestuesit ne brazil shkatrrojn veturen ferrari." "family fight." "bloody rumble fight indonesian street." "ashley vs enteng street boxing fight." "Funny ass fight between a drunk ginge and a stoned blak dude." "A brawl erupts in Sangay's backyard, and anti-semitism." "Monsanto Bus Fights." "St.Louis Fight Downtown Cop Pulls Gun."
• Your Trippin Balls Coda: