Before we start tonight, I offer you this heartwarming story from our own Tommy Craggs about going to vote today: "I saw an old man melt down in the middle of the gym. He was screaming, 'Does anyone work here??' And then, when he learned he'd have to wait in line to use a booth, he crumpled up his ballot, threw it at the lady, and said, 'Go fuck yourself.'"
Now THAT, my friends, is what democracy is all about. So let's watch some returns! SO EXCITING. Please note that I'm drunk. Also, if you're annoyed that we're doing an election post on a sports website, kindly look to the hole in your dick to locate how many fucks I give. This is an old-school liveblog. Refresh as needed. (Expect light posting until 8:30 p.m.) I'll put updates at the top.
11:14pm: Annnnd it's over. NBC has called it. Obama wins. That's good, because I am now about to shit my britches with old brown whiskey diarrhea. Now we get four more years of partisan gridlock and people covering their asses in order to win the next election. AWESOME. Happy evening, everyone! Don't go touching levers that I wouldn't touch.
11:12pm: Actually, they should give a trophy to the winner of the election. Imagine seeing the winner of every election get the champagne bukkake and kiss a trophy shaped like a giant quarter. I'd vote twice to see that happen. Then you could have Jim Gray conducting a very quiet but tense convo with the loser outside the locker room. "I'm not thinking about who's not gonna be here next year yet, Jim. You asshole."
11:10pm: Obama has won Iowa. I bet he puts that on the fourth shelf of his trophy case. It's like winning the AFC West. No one is really all that impressed.
11:03pm: There's a woman in a green jacket on FOX News saying that raising taxes on rich people is a fairly moderate position. Look for her corpse to be discovered in a nearby ravine sometime next week.
11:01pm: Oregon, Minnesota, and Cali are all now called for the President. JUST CALL OHIO AND FLORIDA AND WE CAN END THIS. (continues disemboweling Mel Gibson)
10:59pm: By the way, I voted for O'Doole and the mayor. Voted for them six times last May. And that ain't the record.
10:54pm: I think that the winner of each race should have to give his victory speech in front of the opponent's supporters. Just to see if they get dickish about it. I bet it would be far more satisfying to silence the opponent's crowd on the road than talk to a bunch of brown-nosers on your home turf. "How the fuck you like me now?"
10:51pm: If you check the networks versus Twitter right now, it's basically night and day. The networks are like, "Stay tuned! This is about to get intriguing!" Meanwhile, Twitter is like, "Fuck you, it's over. Here's a cat licking a dog's balls." Twitter is better.
10:46pm: Since I'm shitfaced, I'm gonna confess that the night Obama won in 2008, I cried. I was watching alone and I cried when they called it and that is so lame because I am the whitest motherfucker you've ever seen. OMIGOD WE DID IT! WE STRUGGLED FOR SO LONG BUT WE'VE MADE IT AT LAST! Just punch me in the face the next time you see me. I'm like the Paul Haggis of voters. I promise you that, from now on, when I vote, I will feel NOTHING.
10:44pm: Romney wins Arizona. Please pronounce it Ah-Ree-Tho-Na. I will now celebrate by shooting you in the face.
10:34pm: It's amazing how many of these network people are old shits who should no longer have jobs, like George Will and David Gergen and Cokie Roberts and the rest. These people are fucking DINOSAURS. Nothing they say matters at all. The only reason they haven't lost their jobs yet is because one of their bosses has yet to be like, "Wait, what I am giving George Will money for?" It's like listening to Tony Kornheiser's radio show: just these dying newspaper and magazine people who make hundreds of thousands of dollars to talk to themselves.
10:30pm: Oooh, CNN has a Ballot Cam. It's like Helmet Cam, only it's affixed to a slip of paper. AWESOME. I'm jazzed for next week, when CNN affixes a camera to the pens at your bank. At last, we will know the secrets of those pens, which are tethered to the counter with very small metal anal beads.
10:22pm: Jesus, Sarah Palin is aging at porn star speed. And we didn't even get to see her biscuit. This is crap.
10:19pm: Obama has won New Mexico. So kudos to America's serial killers and lesbian painters for taking time out to form their own powerful voting coalition together.
10:16pm: They went to local news here for a moment and I got a look at NBC DC's Jim Vance, who is basically the human version of the Sugar Bear from the old Super Golden Crisp ads. "Whoa, hey... Got some hot election results. Damn, they're good." Tommy Davidson knows what I'm talking about:
10:14pm: Brian Williams: "So many questions about Ohio." True. Like, why is it there? Why does driving through take twice as long as it ought to? Why can't we turn it into a giant inland prison? And is Carl Monday still watching you masturbate?
10:12pm: Apparently the Democrats are picking up a lot of Senate seats, but the House will stay Republican and apparently will be batshit crazier than ever. So THAT'S awesome. Really looking forward to people arguing about fiscal cliffs and strap-on regulations.
10:10pm: Linda McMahon lost. NO CHANCE... THAT'S WHATCHU GOT... #obligatory
10:07pm: I think the networks are holding off on calling Ohio and Florida for all long as possible because once they do, we can all just go the fuck to sleep. At least the Saints and Eagles had the common courtesy to make the outcome of their game evident by halftime. Some of us have kids, you know.
10:05pm: David Axelrod is on NBC right now. He looks like a hoarder. I bet he owns a Datsun and the floor of it is just covered in Big Mac wrappers. I bet he smells. Anyway, he seems happy. I bet these campaign people all turn to alcohol once the campaign is over and they realize how meaningless it all was.
9:57pm: "There is always a big but in Nevada." As always, CNN. You can get a big butt delivered to your room at the MGM Grand any time you wish.
9:54pm: Sometimes I try to change the channel but the DirecTV receiver is a little slow so to the numbers don't enter in right and then I try to fix it only that makes it worse because now it flips it to channel 2202 instead of channel 202 and that's all wrong and I just get so MAD! Anyway, I would like whoever wins to night to fix this.
9:51pm: Obama takes New Hampshire. LIVE INDECISIVE OR DIE. By the way, Vermont kicks the shit out of New Hampshire. It has all the hippies and Mormons and syrup. New Hampshire has NOTHING.
9:49pm: Oh my God, Katie Couric is now just listing Twitter trends like #ivoted. Why don't I just go to TWITTER for that information? Why do you need to be here? Anyone who doesn't have Twitter and gets that information won't know what to do with it. They will be confused and then answer the iron because they're old and Polish.
9:45pm: In case you missed it earlier, Dave Grohl is joining Queens of the Stone Age for their new album, the first time he's joined them since "Song for the Deaf". Fucking look at this:
These men are gods. Oh, and Romney won Kansas. That's a raw number or something. Whatever. I hope Josh Homme finds a way to get Nick Olivieri to stop beating women so he can re-join the Queens, man.
9:45pm: Ever do pushups while drunk? Don't. Unless you're in the military and making a wager, don't.
9:43pm: I'd like to see every panelist on ABC turn around their laptop. I bet George Will's has the most REPULSIVE porn on it. All with baseball bats. Such a grand game.
9:37pm: Obama has taken Pennsylvania, nabbing the key "people who can't drive for shit" demographic. Have you ever been on the PA Turnpike? Holy fuck, it's the River Styx. Nothing but meth-addled truckers swaying back and forth, just ready to run you off the road. And it's terrifying because honestly, what does a trucker have to live for? He's driving through a dead state at 3am in the morning. Why NOT die?
9:35pm: "Funny that you mention Nashua," Wolf Blitzer says. I wonder how many times that clause has been tossed out. "Funny that you mention Nashua, I once murdered a truck stop hooker there once. No one ever noticed her. It was the perfect crime. IN NASHUA."
9:30pm: These vote count centers look like the most depressing places on Earth. "Oh, would you like to count votes? Okay, well come with me to this windowless hangar where sunlight is but a daydream and your life is just one white folding banquet table after another. NOW COUNT, YOU FUCKING SAP."
9:29pm: I flipped to FOX and Megyn Kelly is dressed as the Overstock.com lady. I keep waiting for her to sell me needless shit in an unidentifiable accent and then give a sexy look.
9:25pm: Obama has won Wiscaaaannnsin. He nabbed all three Wisconsonians that could fit into the booth. Because they're all fat as shit. AMIRITE?!
9:22pm: Brian Williams keep reminding us that these are "raw" numbers. Well, what else would they be? "Listen, these are not raw numbers. These are ones we pulled out of our ass. Raw numbers to come momentarily." They're coloring states in on the Rock Center ice, which strikes me as an annoying branding exercise. I bet Cee Lo shows up to light a tree at the end of the night.
9:17pm: They didn't used to run ads during these election nights, but now they do. BIG GAY MEDIA IS BEHIND ALL OF THIS.
9:13pm: There was a Mississippi Senatorial candidate named Albert Gore. He looked like he was 90 years old. He might be Al Gore's dad. Even if Al Gore's dad is dead. Anyway, he lost, so I guess it runs in the family.
9:11pm: Obama has won New Jersey and New York. Which is fine. But really, let's just get to the freak states already. It's not a playoff series until the road team wins in Ohio, or something. The sports metaphors being thrown around tonight are horrible.
9:09pm: So many shots of prepared victory rallies. "I'm told there are 10,000 people here, Brian!" Great news. I'm glad you were around to give me a head count for an event I won't be attending.
9:07pm: I don't live in any of the important counties these people are talking about. This is crap. Dade County isn't all that. People shoot each other in the privates there. It's like watching your local news talk about weather in some county that's ninety miles away. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SNOW IN CULPEPER COUNTY.
9:04pm: Obama takes Michigan. Which is shaped like a mitt. THAT STINGS.
9:03pm: Romney has won Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wyoming. If you have a state that contains no people, that's Romney country.
9:01pm: I wonder how long it takes freshmen Congressmen and Senators before they start dialing hookers once they arrive in DC. Do they wait a year, trying to be idealistic only to end up disillusioned and horny? Or do they start hiring hookers the instant they hit town? I bet there's one guy who wins tonight who is thinking to himself the whole time, "God, SO MANY HOOKERS."
8:56pm: Heads up: If you're shit isn't too close to call, it's too early to call. What about too sexy to call? Is that possible? Too tangy to call? I feel like Virginia could qualify for that.
8:54pm: This is the part where I remind you that Stephen King once said that Rachel Maddow was good looking "in a no-nonsense kind of way". I still think that's the single worst compliment anyone has ever given another person.
8:53pm: Listen, I'm wayyyy too drunk to keep track of these states. There are a lot of them. I poured a BIG whiskey thinking it would last me a while and now it's GONE. GONE! Who drank it? Was it you? Are you sure? Nah, I'm just fucking with you. It was me. **blushes**
8:50pm: I keep waiting for Tony Siragusa to show up for no reason. GUYS I'M DOWN HERE WITH THE VOTERS AND THE ATMOSPHERE IS JUST SO INTENSE. THESE FOLKS CAME HERE FOR AN ELECTION TONIGHT.
8:48pm: They're in the tabulation center in Florida. Thirty-five thousand ballots came back with errors. Even Blitzer is exasperated with Florida. Seriously, Florida. It's a goddamn check box. What are you doing, cutting your ballots into paper snowflakes?
8:44pm: John King loves that touch screen. Is there touch screen porn? Is there an app where you can call up a naked person and manipulate their organs using your fingers? I would never buy this because that would make me a creep. I just want to know that the option is out there. I'd want the option to touch-do it with a photoshop of Samantha Fox. I have my reasons.
8:43pm: Cokie Roberts just promised HOT Senate races in Montana and Nebraska. God, so fucking hot. The returns are just EJACULATING with hot white paper ballots.
8:38pm: Katie Couric has been reduced to social media duty for ABC. "Let's see what's going on on social media!" Do you guys understand that I have access to social media? I can see all that myself. You are fucking redundant. I don't need Katie reading tweets to me in saucy librarian glasses.
8:37pm: ABC stuck Josh Elliott down in Times Square to interview people. I keep waiting for him to introduce Taylor Swift and count down to a ball dropping.
8:35pm: Chuck Todd: "When you look at a Virginia..." HOLY FUCK SCHLERETH GOT TO HIM. "One of the things I see when I look at Virginia... they love pounding the football."
8:33pm: Brian Williams: "This is gonna be ground combat, hand to hand." Yeah, no. I voted today. It was a bunch of old fogies handing out flyers and shit. Let's not try and graft war metaphors onto this. That's for football. Football is for fucking SOLDIERS.
8:29pm: Romney has taken Arkansas AND Tennessee. NO WAY. Didn't see that coming. Those states are the Baltic and Mediterranean avenues of the board.
8:22pm: NBC just showed poll results about whether or not Americans want "major change". This is the stupidest poll question in history. Yes, the average person wants major changes. I wish my leaders weren't corrupt assholes. I wish Congress did useful things. I wish I hadn't eaten all those kidney beans. I wish my parents had been more encouraging. CHANGE IT ALL.
8:14pm: "Let's talk about Ohio right now." Okay, I'll talk about Ohio. It's worthless and horrible.
8:12pm: Romney just dropped a million sports cliches in summing up his campaign. "We left it all on the field." I'm shocked he didn't flash a CHUCKSTRONG bracelet for added effect.
8:10pm: I love that they're talking about how wistful both the candidates and the media are that the campaign is gonna be over soon. As if ANYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE is sad that this fucking election is about to be over. I can just picture the President talking to reporters on his plane, being like, "God, this was awesome. I'll never forget the way people said horrible shit about each other for months on end. SO BITTERSWEET, YOU GUYS."
8:09pm: I wonder if the candidates refrain from sex or masturbation on Election Night. I wonder if it's bad luck. If it were me, I would spend all day fapping. What's there left to do? Take a break. Jesus.
8:07pm: They have reporters embedded with each campaign on CNN. These are basically the sideline reporters of the affair. "Guys, I talked to Coach Romney and he expects his team to play MUCH BETTER in the second half."
8:06pm: Watching CNN is like being stuck is the worst meeting ever. It's just Wolf Blitzer reading the numbers on the screen to you. I can SEE the numbers, Wolf. You dick. You're adding nothing to this.
8:02pm: Obama just grabbed Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois, Maryland, Maine, Massachusetts, Rhode Island. I swear I heard someone on CNN clap in the background. NO CLAPPING IN THE IPAD BOX.
Romney has taken West Fuckin' Virginia and Oklahoma. OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA! /Ruprecht'd
8:00pm: My wife whispered to me and said, "Anderson Cooper kinda looks like a penis." Now I can't stop seeing a giant penis any time I look at him.
7:58pm: Reader Bolts from the Blue sent me this Reddit Map porn page, which is perfect for map fetishists such as myself. OH GOD SO MANY MAPS MAP FAP MAP FAP MAP FAP.
7:57pm: I don't anyone who follows these elections to bitch about the NFL Draft ever again. There is five minutes of actual news to be broadcast tonight. The rest is just dogshit and iPads. So don't go telling me the NFL Draft is somehow uneventful compared to this Democrokakke.
7:51pm: I swear that CNN's director took all his filming cues from The Dark Knight. "I want the camera to SWIRL. Nothing but SWIRLS and CIRCLES."
7:48pm: Barbara Walters. Fuck, she's old. I bet she's using that laptop as a coaster.
7:45pm: I miss Peter Jennings. When I was a kid, my folks used to let me stay up late to watch on Election Night and I would take them up on it because A) any TV was better than no TV, and B) I liked staring at maps. Anyway, Jennings was their preferred anchor, and you could always tell that he kept a pack of smooth Laramie cigarettes with their rich tobacco flavor under his newsdesk, just ACHING for a puff. I bet he smoked three cigs at once any time they cut to a field correspondent. He was a pimp.
7:25pm: Lester Holt is on NBC now, playing opening act to the headliner that is Brian Williams' orange face. I assume once 8pm hits, BriWi comes strolling into the studio and kicks poor Lester to the curb. "Let me show you how it's done, bitch."
7:23pm: And here come the NBC correspondents with the iPads. Ooooh, you have iPads. You're really in touch with what's going on! This is just what I wanted, to spend five hours tonight watching someone show off their fucking iPad.
7:20pm: Romney has also won Georgia, South Carolina, and Indiana. HOLY SHIT HE'S FUCKING CRUSHING OBAMA 44-3. The only way Obama comes back is if Romney is coached by Norv Turner, I tell you.
7:07pm: Vermont and Kentucky have both fallen to Obama and Romney, respectively. When you're the first state called, that means you're the cheap slut states of the whole enterprise. So congrats to Vermont and Kentucky for spreading their legs wide and letting any exit poller have its way with them.