Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Backyard pro wrestling in rural China - absolutely awesome." Tonight's commentator: TNF's Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao.
Michael Cole: The longest-running weekly episodic show in television history is coming to you tonight from Rural China, China for a historic first time. Joining me here at ringside as always is Jerry the King Lawler, as Asian No. 1 readies to square off against Asian No. 2 LIVE on Monday Night Raw.
Lawler: Oh boy, I can't wait to see this, Michael.
Cole: Of course you're excited, King, you've been talking about that stupid lobster joke all pre-show.
Lawler: Lobster joke?
Cole: "Crushed Asian." Nonetheless, it should be a great matchup as Asian Two runs away from One to start – an interesting strategy there, King.
Lawler: "If the enemy is unprepared, you may sally forth and defeat him."
Cole: And now a thundering Clothesline from Hell! That literally knocked his head off, I think.
Lawler: Confucius say: He who don't duck clothesline, gets hurt.
Cole: But Asian One is back up, and there's a beautiful suplex. I thought he was going for the cover, but he must have felt he needed to inflict more punishment, thunderous blows to the head.
Lawler: You cannot prevent birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
Cole: Choke slam! Choke slam! And he him up again, uh-oh, if he connects with this it'll be over… F5!
Lawler: On a lighter note, does anyone remember when Jimmy Wang Yang was an employee in this company?
Cole: Asian Two wobbles to his feet, and… did you see that kick? No. 1 looked like he got shot out of a howitzer.
Lawler: Power grows out of the barrel of a gun.
Cole: A flying dropkick! This action is fast-paced, exciting, edge-of-your-seat stuff.
Lawler: All under heaven is great chaos, the situation is excellent.
Cole: Pedigree by One. RKO by Two. AA! AA! One has him on a… a spinning face-plant! Two with a massive powerbomb, and now… don't do it! … the Tombstone Piledriver! How many knockout blows can each man withstand?
Lawler: As I like to say, băizébùráo – be indomitable.
Lawler: Cole, are you gonna set me up for a Sum Ting Wong joke, or do we need to get a Japanese man to do the job?
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Let's ease into this slowly this week, shall we? (Start of Violence, none)
• Tammy and Andy take to the street to settle their differences in a rollicking affair that ends when both resort to the street-fight taboo of hair grabbing. This is a disappointment. But they fought valiantly, bringing pride unto their kin. (SoV, 0:11)
• "That's what happens when you fuck with people, you get kicked in the face. I'll kick any of y'all in the face," says brave guy who watched two other people before picking on a barefoot ginger in a corn field. (SoV, 0:36)
• The "Tougher Than The NFL's Bills" Cheap-Shot Segue:
• Скажи дяде! (нн, немедленно)
• When street fights turn into attempted manslaughters. (SoV, instantly)
• Oh, just a bunch of ladies fighting in traffic. (SoV, instantly)
• WORLDSTAR! (SoV, 0:26)
• From the Zero Dark Thirty Outtake Reel:
• Per the American hero who uploaded this D.C. HS street fight, "This is wut happen wen people hear Allready Gang." Don't want to get into the middle of something from afar, but I suspect these issues were boiling over well be4 the Allready Gang got on tha aural sceen. (SoV, instantly)
• Klitschko! (SoV, eh, watch it all)
• Scrappin' of tha Strip till the law shows up on the Bally's side of the Caesars/Bellagio overpass. (SoV, 0:04)
• The Fanta Fight/Russian Bro-ciological Study Mashup:
• From the 215, where we shoot first, check out the Sixers standings later: "Watch Steve From North Philly Attempt To Kill His Street-Fight Foe." No, seriously. This might actually be a snuff film (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: Poorly shot "unfair fight black vs puertorican philly." Bonus Coverage II: "North Philly fight." Bonus Coverage III: Oh yeah, Miley Cyrus' boyfriend got in a fight in the city's Douche Quadrant last weekend. Bonus Coverage IV: "There Was A Lady Fight In The Lower Level Seats At Last Night's Eagles Game."
• In this week's Russian/Eastern European/Whateverian gang brawl, matching tops are sported to differentiate between friend and foe. (SoV, instantly)
• The dude with a popped collar really never had a chance on Sutton high street, my chaps. (SoV, 0:38)
• Your Shut-A-Drunk-Asshole-Up Instruction Manual:
• This here footage chronicles the time a jorted bully was felled. The anti-jort community won't soon forget it. (SoV, 0:19)
• They brawl. They bleed. They hug. Bros 4 Lyfe. (SoV, 0:03)
• Others: "Sexy Girls Big Fight on Street." "Epic fight in the subway" (Start at the 2:40 mark). "Idiot takes out woman in McDonalds." "Girl mass brawl in the school Cafeteria." "All girl brawl in front of a mall!!!" "Shocking CCTV shows VIOLENT Fight between rival gangs terrifies partygoers." "fight after school in germany."
• The "Now We Know Why Women Take So Long In The Bathroom, Amirite" Coda: