As in past years, the Sun Sentinel has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity.

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Sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear:
KEY
BUTTON
HOT WAX
PLASTIC DART
PIECE OF PAPER
ā€œTOOTHPICK AND THEN HAIRPINā€
WOOD
SCREWDRIVER
PLASTIC DRINKING STRAW
ERASER
FLY
RUBBER BAND
KNIFE

Nose:
DIXIE CUP
HAIR BARRETT
ā€œTWO KITCHEN MAGNETS IN EACH NOSTRILā€
COLORING PENCIL
NICKEL
WAD OF TOILET TISSUE
MARDI GRAS BEAD
SMALL TOY
PIECE OF PLASTIC HANGER
PICK-UP STICK
ā€œBB PELLETS WHILE TRYING A MAGIC TRICKā€
SCREW
STICKER
CRUCIFIX
BATTERY
TOY DIAMOND
ā€œA PENNY OR POPCORN IN NOSE, SEEMS BOTHEREDā€

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Throat:
LEMON SEED
MAXI PAD
CHECKER
THIMBLE
THUMBTACK
BUTTERFLY
PLASTIC TOY GUN
STAPLE
KEYCHAIN RING
NAIL
MODEL TOY AIRPLANE

Penis:
SPOON
PLASTIC ZIP TIE
FORKS
ORNAMENT
ā€œPIECE OF TIMBERā€
PEN
SODA CAN POP TOP

Vagina:
BEDPOST
ā€œWAS DARED TO PUT A COSMETICS BOTTLE IN VAGINAā€
TOY MICROPHONE STAND
SPOON
ā€œCOCK RING THAT BECAME DISLODGEDā€
METAL BAR
2 SPONGES
PIECE OF BASKETBALL SHORTS
SEWING NEEDLES
ā€œPATIENT STATES SHE SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANINGā€
HAIRSPRAY CAP
TUB STOPPER
ā€œ12YOF GOING THROUGH MOMā€™S DRAWER, FOUND PENIS SHAPED ā€˜PLEASURE ITEM,ā€™ EXPERIMENTING PUTTING IN HER VAGINA, COULDNā€™T GET OUTā€

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Rectum:
FRENCH BREAD
HAND WRENCH
CIGARETTE LIGHTER
CRAYON
ā€œSTUCK TOY IN RECTUM AND BROKE OFF, SAW MOM INSERT TAMPON AND MIMICKEDā€
VIAL OF BATH SALTS
ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
DRUM STICK
VINEGAR BOTTLE
LOTION BOTTLE
MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
BABY BOTTLE
ā€œLOOFA W/SUCTION CUP W/HOOK ATTACHEDā€