Hey, it's Fourth of July weekend! Why it seems like only yesterday Paul Revere rowed his boat across the Independence River and discovered America or whatever—but it's been 700 years! Crazy. Spare a moment today to doff your mirrored wraparound gun-range goggles in respect for ol' Paul. Paul and the other guys.

But then, and with grim seriousness: Back to eating. Here is what to eat today. It will seem like a lot of things to eat, maybe even more to eat than you can fit into yourself without bad consequences. You will think to yourself, Surely I can select a few of these food-items for my July 4th festivities, and leave the rest for Labor Day? I'm sorry, but no. Rules are rules. These are the things you will eat today.

Grilled Things To Eat

Chicken breasts. Ordinarily, grilled chicken breasts are dry and chewy and lousy. These will be juicy and flavorful and delicious.

Flank steak. Tone down the jingoistic fervor for long enough to serve this in the style of Mexico's carne asada, willya? It's good.

Cheeseburgers. George Washington firing an Old-Glory-tee-shirt cannon at Adolf Hitler isn't half as American as a by-God cheeseburger.

Kebabs. Fire, sticks, meat. Feels like you shouldn't take much convincing, here.

Chicken thighs. These are sweet and sticky and messy and endlessly satisfying.

Ribs. Uh, there's no nice way to say this, but you probably should have started cooking these an hour or two ago. Get it together, dammit!

A pork shoulder. You probably should have started this yesterday. The good news is, it's a three-day weekend! You've got two more days to make one of these suckers.

Non-Grilled Things To Eat

Potato salad. Especially with the chicken thighs, the cheeseburgers, or the ribs. Holy cow.

Deviled eggs. These are gonna steal the whole show.

Mac and cheese. Oh man, with the ribs. With the ribs! Just go ahead and start drooling now, to get a head start.

Chicken wings. Because there definitely hasn't been enough greasy meat on the menu so far.

Desserts To Eat

Peach cobbler. Serve it hot with vanilla ice cream.

Tubular freezer-pops. You know you want some freezer-pops. Don't even pretend to be too grown-up for these.

Apple crumble. Apples are juuuuuuuust getting good enough to make this, which will be a big hit with people who like things that are good.

What To Pretend To Want To Drink

American IPAs. Pretend to know about different cultivars of hops while you pretend to enjoy these bitter-tasting horrors. Aspirational pretense is a great American tradition!

What To Actually Enjoy Drinking

Cheap American swill-beer. Fuckin' A.

Happy Independence Day.

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