An incomplete list of people we’d like to see at the 2023 Tom Brady Netflix roast

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Tom Brady’s love affair with the spotlight will take yet another form come 2023 — Netflix announced yesterday that the recently unretired QB will be the executive producer and first subject of a new series, Greatest Roasts of All Time.

While the lineup for the roast has yet to be announced, we decided to put together a couple of suggestions for Netflix (if anyone is still working at Netflix) to consider, with the hopes that they’ll aim higher than the predictable kid-kissing, ball-deflating, TB12 diet material that we’ve been hearing about for the past decade. We know that Gronk will be there cracking jokes, but come on, let’s aim higher, people!

As the executive producer of the special, Brady may not give the green light to our entire roast roster, but as we’re not sure how far he’s willing to let this thing go, here’s our dream starting lineup.

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Eli Manning

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The only opposing QB to hand Brady two Super Bowl losses (2008, 2012) has to be there to talk some shit about his former rival. After his 2020 retirement, Manning is also now a semi-experienced broadcaster and television personality who proved to be an unexpectedly entertaining star on Manningcast, and as Brady will likely be preparing for that Fox commentator job around the time that this airs, he’ll hopefully be able to provide us with some good content.

As a matter of fact, why not throw Nick Foles in there, too? He might not be the media personality that Manning is, but we could use him to complete the beating-Brady-in-a-Super-Bowl theme.

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Bridget Moynahan

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The initial hard feelings of their breakup and subsequent co-parenting (“babe, my ex-girlfriend is pregnant”) back in the early aughts having subsided considerably, I think we could get some excellent comedic content out of the actress who played Carrie Bradshaw’s rival in Sex and the City. She might be one of the people on this list who Executive Producer Brady won’t allow to make jokes about Roast Victim Brady, but assuming that she’s got extensive material and a good writer or two working with her, we could get some all-timers from the ex.

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Someone whose small business didn’t get a PPP loan

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Oh yeah, bet you forgot about that little $960,855 loan that Brady’s performance and nutrition company, TB12 Inc., received during the early stages of the pandemic from the Paycheck Protection Program for small businesses who were struggling. In 2020, Sports Illustrated reported that over half the companies who applied for such a loan didn’t receive one. That number looks even uglier in the light of this new $375 million contract, but on the bright side, it gives us plenty of options to find an actual small business owner who has been brewing some good roast material over the past two years.

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Jeff Ross

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We’ll need the Roastmaster General there, obviously. Any personal connection to Brady is not a necessary prerequisite for Ross, whose body of work does all the talking. The others might have more specific experiences with the QB, but Ross doesn’t really need that — he can, and, given the opportunity, verbally tear apart Brady with material we can’t even begin to imagine. (If, of course, Executive Producer Brady allows this.)

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Stephen A. Smith

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If he’s in the zone, I just think it would be fun to watch, you know? Even if he is a big Brady fan, SAS soundbites rarely disappoint.

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