There’s a report floating around that Lindsey Vonn broke up with Tiger Woods after she found out he was cheating on her with Amanda Boyd, Jason Dufner’s ex-wife. Regardless of the story’s veracity, it does lead to a basic question: Should people still fuck Tiger Woods?
Greg Howard: You should fuck Tiger Woods if you want. Obviously, this is the only correct answer. If people argue otherwise, they will mostly say, “he is bad at sex,” or “he is not charming,” or “he is not handsome.” My response to this is that he is a black man who has had sex with scores of white women, if not scores of scores of white women, and in this climate in which people grow up learning black men are natural-born rapists or otherwise unworthy of laying with white women, Tiger Woods is, at least, unique.
Kyle Wagner: What is this question, even? Of course you should fuck Tiger Woods. Fuck whomever you want, and certainly fuck rich and famous athletes if you like athletes and think having sex with them would be fun. That said, beyond the baseline advantages of his vocation—which, again, are more than enough to fuck him hard enough to leave a mattress imprint down to the Mesozoic fossil record, if that’s your thing—there is passing little reason why anyone would ever fuck this man.
For one, come on, he’s Tiger Woods! Tiger Woods is the nerdiest lump alive. His pillow-talk is presumably a combination of areas for improvement in your golden shower follow-through motion and how finicky his portfolio’s been this week. God, Buick dipped under 33 today, Greece is fucking us right up the narrow one, and I really think if you’d lower your approach angle by about 10 degrees you’d get less piss up your nostrils.
For another, he’s a used-up 39-year-old with a trick knee who looks like this now:
His peers are professional golfers, who are for the most part shaped like obese ostriches, but if you’re going to fuck, you can do better than Tiger Woods. Maybe that depends on who you are. If you’re some rando he’s chatting up at 2 a.m. in the smoking section at the exit-328 Perkins, sure, get the story. But if you’re good at sex and can nail famous people, or if you’re another famous person, please. Do better.
Drew Magary: YOU: OMG! Tiger Woods! He’s rich and famous! I’d fuck him!
TIGER: (smiles) (tooth is missing) (cannot keep baldness at bay despite being a billionaire)
YOU: Christ. I’ll just fuck him ONCE, to check out his boat.
TIGER: (invites you on his boat, makes you sign waiver to not take a selfie on board)
YOU: God dammit.
TIGER: (starts fucking you)
YOU: Eh, this isn’t so bad.
TIGER: (angry) SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
YOU: The fuck? I’m trying to enjoy myself here. What’s with the shushing?
CADDIE: You’re breaking his concentration!
TIGER: (goes limp) (consults unlicensed boner guru) (boner stays broken for a full calendar year)
YOU: This sucks.
TIGER: I feel good! I feel like I’m hitting my spots, you know? Some rough patches out there, but I think things are getting back on track. (pulls every back muscle)
[A year later]
TIGER: (texts you) U R MY WHORE
YOU: The fuck? Who taught you to text?
TIGER: Baby I need to feel my goodness in your badness.
YOU: I have no idea what that means, but fine.
TIGER: (fucks you) (spies blonde woman walking by mid-coitus) (leaves you to fuck that other woman)
YOU: This was a terrible idea.
Diana Moskovitz: Sometimes, you can know too much about a person, like when your parents start talking about their sex lives (eww). Or a friend tells you they like eating spoonfuls of mayo (gross). Or someone suggests fucking Tiger Woods (ummm, no).
Everyone knows too much about Tiger’s dick for it to be fuckable. Wait, that’s an understatement. Everyone knows that Tiger’s dick has been everywhere, in everything, and fucks indiscriminately but skews blonde. The sheer amount of fucking isn’t the problem. Lots of fucking could be a positive. Like an athlete learning a craft, Tiger—in an alternate universe—has fucked his way into penis superiority like a true MVP.
But, no. That’s not going to happen, because of how much information we know about Tiger’s dick.
Exhibit A (Poor sext form):
Tiger: Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009: Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
Exhibit B (Poor keeping it on the DL form):
Exhibit C (Poor overall form):
From US Weekly’s wrapup of what former Tiger liaison (and Perkins waitress) Mindy Lawton told Vanity Fair:
Even though Lawton was menstruating, Woods “told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed up against his Escalade” in a church parking lot, she said. “He did it from the back.” ... He only once bought her dinner: a chicken wrap from Subway that he picked up en route to a sex session, she said.
You pull out your tampon, get fucked in the back of a car in a church parking lot, and the best dinner you ever get is a chicken wrap? From Subway?!
Of course, it’s possible Tiger made up for these bad manners with some charm, grace, or personality. That seems unlikely, though. Tiger’s not a compassionate human; he’s been a golfing machine since he was two years old. Some day, science will prove that this was the problem, that golfing too early rots the good-sex part of the brain. So, hey, it’s not his fault. But for God’s sake, please don’t fuck him. It’s going to suck, and that chicken wrap isn’t worth it anyway.
Tom Ley: If you’re thinking about fucking Tiger Woods, maybe you should consider fucking someone else. I don’t say this as someone who adheres to puritanical ideas about sex, or because it’s somehow uncouth to fuck a dude who has done as much fucking as Tiger Woods. Mostly, I think Tiger Woods is gross-looking.
The dude is bald and fattening and doesn’t even have all of his teeth anymore:
“Ooh yeah, I wanna fuck that.” — A crazy person.
He’s also really bad at sexting. If you fuck Tiger Woods, you’re probably going to get a few days’ worth of really bad sexts. Why not just fuck someone else?
Leslie Horn: Of all of the famous people you could have sex with, of athletes you could have sex with, of all the golfers you could have sex with, of all the people you could have sex with, Tiger Woods should be last on your list.
I understand why in the past, people have been motivated to have sex with this golf man. He’s rich, he’s famous, he used to be well-liked and good at golf. But ew, gross. He’s not attractive, he doesn’t have all his teeth, and he’s a bad man. But he needs love, you might argue. No, he does not need love. He’s had enough love and now he needs rules and boundaries, and to stop fucking other people’s wives. I don’t think people still get the clap, or at least they don’t call it that, but if they did, Tiger would have it. He’d have weaponized clap too, the kind that could somehow sneak its way into your spinal cord and turn your genitals into swamp algae. He’s an extremely disgusting man who isn’t good at his boring job, and he probably has a teeny baby penis anyway. If you value your health, do not have sex with him.
I know people will read this and argue that it’s not like a world-famous golfer would ever have sex with a random blogger, but Tiger Woods would absolutely have sex with a random blogger. He’s boned a lot of women with no signs of stopping, and there is a finite number of women on this planet. Do not have sex with Tiger Woods.
Tim Marchman: Tiger Woods’s gross texts read like the work of a randy 12-year-old. I’m unconvinced he’s even ever had sex and even if he has, I’m pretty sure that it was bad, awkward, and over quickly. So, no, you should not have sex with Tiger Woods.
First two photos: AP; third photo: Getty Images