This was just the first of 13 celebrations on the day.
Photo: Robert Cianflone (Getty Images)

If you haven’t heard, the United States puréed Thailand by a score of 13-0 in their 2019 Women’s World Cup opening match today. You don’t score 13 goals without at least some of them being nice, so here’s an objectively correct ranking of every goal:

1. Alex Morgan (74th minute)

2. Rose Lavelle (20th minute)

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3. Mallory Pugh (84th minute)

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4. Megan Rapinoe (79th minute)

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5. Alex Morgan (87th minute)

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6. Alex Morgan (81st minute)

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7. Carli Lloyd (92nd minute)

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8. Alex Morgan (12th minute)

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9. Lindsey Horan (32nd minute)

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10. Rose Lavelle (56th minute)

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11. Sam Mewis (50th minute)

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12. Alex Morgan (53rd minute)

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13. Getting dribbled by Tobin Heath so badly that you fall down and curse the vengeful god that has forsaken you

14. Sam Mewis (54th minute)