Back in February, our Tim Marchman posted a list that purported to rank breakfast cereals in order of deliciousness. His selection of something called "Milk and Honey Original CafĂ© Mix" for the top spot—on what's a pretty comprehensive list of the breakfast cereals you can find in your typical supermarket, mind you—generated quite a bit of controversy, both within Deadspin and in the outer world, both because no one has ever heard of "Milk and Honey Original CafĂ© Mix," and also because, what in the hell, "Milk and Honey Original CafĂ© Mix"?

This week, some members of the Deadspin staff finally had a chance to try this stuff. They recorded their reactions in the staff chatroom.

6:05pm, July 30, 2014

Burneko: seriously, one of you bastards needs to try marchman's breakfast mulch and review it for foodspin
so that we can have closure on the whole list incident


kyle: no

Burneko: goddammit, wagner
mail it to me, then

Tom Ley: i will do it

Burneko: i'm sure mailing won't make it worse

Tom Ley: i volunteer as tribute

Burneko: it's already woodchips
attaboy, tom fuckin' ley
hero shit

kyle: katniss dies in real life

Greg Howard: it didn't even come in a fucking box
just, like
a bag
with a zipper


Burneko: a burlap sack

10:13am, July 31, 2014

Burneko: did anybody give Marchman's Nutritive Muesli a try?

1:37pm, July 31, 2014

Tom Ley: official take on tim marchman's garbage cereal: IT AIN'T BAD, MAN

kyle: it's just plain ass cereal

marchman: Wagner has no taste buds

kyle: the anthony mason of cereal

Tom Ley: it is surprisingly sweet and does not taste like wood chips

harvilla: isn't it crazy unhealthy

Tom Ley: my only complaint is that there isn't really much consistency to it. all the pieces are very small so you kinda feel like you got gravel in your mouth


Greg Howard: that's a big complaint tho
but, i mean, it's not cereal
so anything goes

marchman: Let it soften up some

Burneko: is it the best of cereals? because that was the assertion.

Tom Ley: well no

kyle: yes, this is like that one month i tried eating flaxseed and that other shit you sprinkle on food to make it healthy


Tom Ley: it is not the best of cereals

marchman: It's in the cereal aisle and you eat it with milk and a spoon. How is that not cereal?

Greg Howard: official take: not the best of cereals

Tommy: you know, that's it

Greg Howard: oatmeal is in the cereal aisle. not cereal.

Tommy: it's the 1994 knicks of cereal

Tom Ley: official take: not the best of cereals, BUT IT AIN'T BAD, MAN

marchman: That's probably right Craggs

Tommy: if you threw anthony mason and derek harper in some milk
you'd get marchman's favorite cereal


Burneko: does it taste like real café?

Tom Ley: what it needs is a few of those giant oat clusters, like in honey bunches of oats

kyle: the parts that are fruit are sticking to my teeth like the worst fruit snacks


Burneko: this ... this sounds horrible.

Greg Howard: so far, the mid-90s knicks have been used to describe both italy's soccer league and milk and honey granola

Samer: oh oat clusters are awesome

marchman: The mid-90s Knicks are basically the peak of human civilization

Tom Ley: i'm also convinced that this cereal is actually extremely unhealthy because it is really really sweet


Burneko: "It's not bad, except it's like gravel that sticks to your teeth."

Tom Ley: this shit is just like all sugar

kyle: they're pretty close to that weird italian game with all the bareknuckle fighting


marchman: Yeah look at the ingredients, Ley, it's not health food

Greg Howard: weird italian game is the mid-90s knicks of sports

Tom Ley: also there are sunflower seeds in it(!?)

Samer: i kinda want to try this now

Burneko: I mean, what in the hell.

Samer: it does not sound bad, man


Burneko: You guys got catfished by sugary bird food.

harvilla: real headline possibilities here

kyle: i officially hate this cereal. it's a pain in the ass to chew because it just comprises like 50,000 individual grains



Burneko: Burn calories by grinding it with your mouth!

Tom Ley: sugary ass grains with sunflower seeds
honestly tho it basically turned the milk into ice cream
that's how sweet it is


harvilla: "IT AIN'T BAD, MAN" — gary shteyngart

Burneko: this is like when sports fans try to talk themselves into the shitty Euro with T-rex arms their team just blew a lottery pick on.

Tom Ley: hmmm ok now i have a headache
this could be going south
mighta been all the chewing


Samer: ominous

Tom Ley: jaw feeling a little sore

kyle: i just tried drinking the milk and it tastes like cocoa pebbles milk
which is alarming?



kyle: a bunch of grains really shouldn't leave milk that tastes like it shot out of the nesquik bunny's ass

marchman: Note that the main objection here is that the cereal is too sweet, too good
"Oh man I don't feel comfortable eating something this obviously unhealthy"


Rohan Nadkarni: it sounds like the main objection is the chewing
and that it might not be a cereal

kyle: calling this cereal, as cereal is typically consumed, still seems wrong. it's like calling a fistful of actual wheat a loaf of bread

Tom Ley: yeah man i really don't feel so good right now

Burneko: i mean, why shouldn't the best of all cereals be actively unpleasant to chew with your mouth and give you a headache?


Tom Ley: i'm hitting a crazy sugar high and my jaw and head feel funny
i can't stop blinking
did you fucking dose this with something, marchman?

Rohan Nadkarni: you killed tom

Burneko: oh shit, wrong bag guys, that was the meth
Crunchy Meth Chips

kyle: when you get to the end and it's just a soggy bag of ass (like all cereal), the pieces are so small that when you bite into them, they like, juice out a bunch of that frightful oversugared milk


Greg Howard: that's not good cereal
i'd even go as far to say
it's not cereal

Burneko: this is some cronenberg shit
Kyle and Ley growing TVs in their heads right now

Photo by Kyle Wagner