Tommy Craggs is great. Really, really great. He's smart, and has good grammar, and used to edit a website that I currently write for, left that website, and now is somehow even more my boss than he was before. I have nothing but good things to say about Tommy Craggs. Tommy Craggs brings a great many things to Gawker Media Group, but the greatest thing is that he brings is just getting people. It's like working with and/or for a friend. Here's an example:
This summer I got a job offer from this other place that was going to pay me more money than I deserved to do a job I didn't really want to do. And Tommy Craggs was all, "Don't go, Greg," and I was like, "I might go, Tommy Craggs," and he said something that sounded like, "Why?" and I told him, "Because money," and he told me, "We'll talk about it on Friday," and I responded, "OK, let's talk about it on Friday."
So Friday came around, and I was like, "Let's talk, Tommy Craggs," and he said, "K," so then we went to our office's roof. It was hot and bright, and my mouth was dry. And we sat down, and I said, "I think I'm gonna take this job, Tommy Craggs," and Tommy Craggs said, "That's stupid," and I said something similar to, "But I like to eat, sometimes," and in response he opened his mouth and then closed it. And then I was like, "Can I have some more money?" and Tommy Craggs said, "No, but—" and then I started bawling like a sad and frustrated toddler baby, and then Tommy Craggs slouched a bunch, and shrugged, and might have touched my shoulder. And then he went downstairs to Gchat and stuff.
I stopped crying, then went downstairs, and Tommy Craggs asked, "What are you going to do?" and I said, "I have to go," and then he emoted and then said, "I feel like I let you down." "You didn't let me down," I said.
And then I went home and drank a lot of lukewarm whiskey, and then called the new place and told them I was coming, and then took a free bus to an electronic casino in Queens to play roulette. I won, too, and then I spent that money on food and cool new shoes I still wear to this day, and bought some more food on Saturday and drank more. It was pretty chill.
Then I woke up on Sunday, and drank some more, and my stomach felt like jelly, so I decided to text Tommy Craggs.
"I'm staying, man," I wrote, and he responded a little while later, "!!!" or maybe it was, "!!!!" In any case, he then wrote, "This makes me very happy," and I told him I loved him. And then I drank more and went to a concert, and my stomach started feeling better.
Now, we talk sometimes, and on occasion, he smiles and emotes in other ways, too. Tommy Craggs is great, and he gets me.
But this is a roast, and I'd be remiss if I didn't use this opportunity to address Tommy Craggs's natural hairline. Because:
LOLOL LOOK AT THAT SHIT BOY IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE USED TO SHAPE YOU UP WITH A SWITCHBLADE WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THOOOOOO
AND YOU STILL WEAR THAT SAME SHIRT TOO YOU WACK-SIMILE-SLINGING-SAME-SHIRT-WEARING-SWITCHBLADE-SHAPEUP-HAVING-ASS MOTHERFUCKER