I'm sixteen years old. This past weekend, I saw my father spanking it. It was about 9 in the morning, so he probably assumed that I was asleep like any other lazy ass teenager. Little did he know I was actually downstairs using Twitter on my phone. As I'm catching up on all the bullshit that I had missed from the night before, I hear the unmistakable sound of a female orgasm coming from upstairs. For some reason that I still don't know, I went upstairs to check it out.
There, I see my father. Full frontal. Jacking off to porn. This wasn't just run-of-the-mill porn either, this was like hardcoregangbangintheass.com type porn we're talking here. I saw about two seconds of the video, just long enough to see everything and take in all of the things going on in that room, and immediately ran like hell to my room trying to erase from my mind what I had just seen.
Amazingly, my father neither saw or heard me, so he has no idea that I saw him do it. I can't erase what I saw from my head, and I feel guilty as fuck for not telling my mom or someone about it, so what do I do? Do I just go on pretending like it never happened? Do I tell my mom? Do I tell my dad? Do I tell a therapist?
Why would you tell your dad? Telling him means you have to talk to your dad about sex, and there's NOTHING worse than talking to your parents about sex. I would rather be thrown off a radio tower than talk to my parents about sex. No need to invite yourself into a situation that awkward.
And don't tell your mom! You can't throw your pop under the bus like that. That's a total dick move. If you gotta talk about it to get it out of your system, then talk to a friend or write to a complete stranger on the Internet about it. In some ways, you should be reassured that your dad is still and active, virile, sexual being. You didn't need to know this quite so explicitly, but at least he's still got a little bit of life left in him. The ravages of middle age haven't stopped him from enjoying a good anal bead pull, so YAY!
But yeah, keep that shit to yourself. And next time, don't go upstairs.
Now, to the Funbag below!
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.