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Don't. Because it sucks... real, real, bad. I really couldn't explain to you why, but I just caught some Ultimate Arena Paintball League action on WGN. The New England Distortion lost to the Tampa Warriors, and I wouldn't have known that if they didn't show me the score. You can't see anyone getting shot, you can't tell what the hell is going on, and I can't think of one single reason to watch. If your television only gets paintball and the 24-Hour Alex Rodriguez Grooms Himself Network... go with A-Rod.

One of the commentators just said, "If we were in Vegas, and I'm a betting man... so if I was going to put money on that game, I definitely would not have predicted that Smoke would beat the New York Shooters." You know, I've never seen paintball listed in the sportsbook before. But if I ever do, I'm going to stop by and put all my money on "league goes bankrupt before the end of the month."

Up next, the Atlanta Strange is set to square off against the Montreal NRG. I swear, I'm not making either of those names up.