"Scapegoat," by Kylesa. Many football coaches prepare their teams for hostile crowd noise by blasting loud music during practice. I would very much like the job of selecting the playlist for those practices. You know damn well that Chip Kelly was excited to show off a bit of his iTunes library to some of his players. "I know you guys like the rap stuff, but this GNR tune rocks no matter who you are."


Suicide Pick Of The Week

Last week's picks of Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, and Kansas City went 2-1, making me 2-1 on the year. Sorry about that. This week's picks are Baltimore, New Orleans, Atlanta, and being the last kid on the school bus route. You get picked up first. You get dropped off last. All told, you spend 106 minutes a day sitting on a poorly ventilated school bus while the token fat kid clouds up the back with his farts. I bet the last kid on the bus route averages a lower score in standardized tests due to fume inhalation.


Strong Take Alert!

When it comes to football columnists, I don't want any haughty dipshits lecturing me about advanced metrics and inflated personal security budgets for Washington GLORY BOY politicians. No no, I want something a bit more IN YOUR FACE. I want a columnist who isn't afraid to SPIT HOT FIRE and tell it like it is. I want a columnist who's brave enough to stand up to BIG SAFETY and tell the world that concussion sufferers are pussies. That man is CBS columnist and neck portraiture aficionado Pete Prisco:

Anquan Boldin made me eat my words Sunday. When the 49ers traded to get Boldin, I didn't think he had that much juice left in the tank. He was never a burner.


There's something so enraging about this kind of columnist: That smug, Cowherd-esque "You gotta show me something!" attitude that makes me want to slap a baby with an iron. Anquan Boldin did a lot of amazing things on Sunday, but the most amazing thing was that he proved Pete Prisco wrong!

How nice is it for the Cowboys and Tony Romo to have a security blanket like Jason Witten? The guy is not only one of the class acts of the league, but he's also a special player.


Please note that you can overcome not being a burner by being a special class act.

I've been one of the few people who thought Jaguars quarterback Blaine Gabbert had a chance to be a solid NFL passer.


Unlike you SHEEP out there who fell in line to decry concussions and say that Blaine Gabbert sucks, Pete Prisco has the stone balls to go against the grain and make horribly wrong assessments about Gabbert's passing acumen. That Gabbert has let Prisco down is perhaps his biggest crime.

Cameron Wake opened the season with a monster day. He had 2½ sacks and six quarterback hits against the Browns. The guy is special.


But is he a class act? I would like a running count of all the SPECIAL players in the NFL. And are there any extra special players? I bet Russell Wilson is triple special.

David Wilson, hold onto the football. You have star power. But you have to take the ball with you.


"Oh, so THAT'S my problem!" -David Wilson, upon reading this

Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Ben sends in this story I call THE POOP HUNTER:

I moved out to West Texas to attend college. I married a woman who's grandfather was a gunsmith and who's dad makes the Marlboro Man look like Elton John. In my efforts to become more manly, I tried in vain to master hunting. Deer hunting, as it turns out, is easy as shit as long as you fill the feeders once a month and when hunting season rolls around just blast the poor bastard that has become accustomed to a free breakfast. Dove hunting on the other hand is hard as hell because:
1. Deep down the gun shot alone scares me
2. You go with friends and family that laugh at your dumb ass when you miss
3. The damn birds fly faster than a jai alai pelota

My first hunting trip with my father-in-law consisted of us and two of his buddies getting up around 4:30am to drive for an hour and a half to a spot that would have us "covered up" in birds. Due to the fact that we left before I could take a shit, by the time we arrived at our little dried up water hole my anus was fighting to hold serve against the flood of liquid shit (we drank the night before) that my body demanded I release.

I was trying to make casual conversation when I decided to admit my shame and asked if we had any toilet paper in the truck. One of the guys told me it was behind the back seat and my father-in-law said that when I was done to bring him a beer.

As my body cramped while approaching the truck, the feeling became so unbearable I had to stop a couple of times and double down on my clenching. When I got to the truck and cleared everything that was on the seat onto the floor I wrenched back the seat to see the TP on the other side of the cab, just out of reach.

At that moment my sphincter finally gave in as I dropped my pants (but not my underwear) and shit everywhere. When I say everywhere I mean on the stock of the gun, the back of my boots, through my underwear and on my pants. After I did my best to clean up, I casually walked back toward where my father-in-law was sitting. I gave him his beer and he saw the shit on the back of my hand and laughed.

Everyone else got their limit (15 birds) and I didn't hit anything. After being washed down with the ice water in the cooler, I rode back home naked from the waist down sitting next to my father-in-law.

That bastard hasn't invited me back since.

Emmitt Smith's Lock of the Week


"I'm hardly what you call a 'Vegas procrastinator,' but making these predilections can be fun! So this week, I think the New York Jets (+11.5) will masturbate the ball down the feel against the Patriots and make this a very close game! WHAT A CLASSIC CAVALRY. I know that Foxfire can be a very intimating place to play, but I love what Rex Ryan has done with Geno Smith. When I look at a Geno Smith, I see a young man with VIBRALITY and RECTUMTUDE. That will serve the Jets well as they transgender away from Mark Sanchez and run more of a Hagrid offense."

Emmitt Smith 2013 record: 0-0

This Week In Terrifying Animal News

Turns out Argentine rodent breeders are passing off giant ferrets as toy poodles:

He had in fact purchased two ferrets that had been given steroids at birth to increase their size and then had some extra grooming to make their coats resemble a fluffy toy poodle.


Yes, but maybe the ferrets suffered from SPECIES CONFUSION and wanted a species change operation. These transferrets don't deserve to be looked down upon as monsters. If they want to use the poodles-only bathroom and participate in poodle track and field events, I say we let them. Why must we bound by anatomy when defining people or animals?!

Fantasy Player Who Deserves to Die A Slow, Painful Death

David Wilson. It's not even close. Imagine all the people out there who drafted Wilson hoping that he prove to be a capable statistical replacement for Ahmad Bradshaw, only to watch him fumble twice (FUN FACT: when you desperately need a fantasy player to score in a primetime matchup, he will inevitably turn the ball over and put you in an even deeper hole) and lose his job. He didn't just ruin one game. He ruined ALL OF THEM. He went from promising to utterly worthless in the span of half an hour. He may as well have died.


Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your potential 2013 chopping block:

*Potential midseason firing

I don't think Gus Bradley will be fired, but I still think it's more embarrassing to lose a game 28-2 than to get shut out entirely. Scoring just two points really drives home how useless your offense was. Your defense managed to score two lousy points and you couldn't even do that. Jesus.


I feel bad for anyone who owns a Jaguar on their fantasy team. You have to spend every week knowing there's a very good chance that your player's offense won't score at all. Ever. Meanwhile, the Broncos pile up touchdowns like they're PTA flyers.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

Weird Trader Joe's pea-flavored snacks. These are snacks that are shaped like snap peas, taste like snap peas, but have the nutritional value of a bag of Cheetos. You could simply eat REAL peas instead and presumably live a longer, healthier life. And yet, here I am, devouring a bastardized, unhealthy version of a real vegetable. I'm ashamed to eat any kind of chip or curl that tastes like something healthy, because that seems inappropriate. A chip should taste like meat, or fat, or some kind of dip. Making it taste healthy kinda defeats the purpose.


My one-year-old eats these and I have convinced myself that he's eating REAL vegetables when I give them to him. "Look at me! I'm feeding my child responsibly!" This child will grow up thinking that Salsa Rio Doritos belong in the produce section.

Gametime Cheap Malt Liquor Of The Week

Country Club! From Matt:

It probably doesn't count because it's malt liquor. It's horrible.

I have no doubt of that whatsoever. You have to admire the sack on Country Club brewers (do you brew malt liquor, or simply leave it on a windowsill?) to try to class up their product with such a remarkable misnomer. They also tossed a crown on the can to really drive it home. DRINK THIS AND YOU ARE THE KING OF CONGRESSIONAL. It looks like it tastes like cigarette butts and used gauze. I MUST HAVE IT.


Robert Evans's MVP Watch!

Time to start thinking about who the leaders will be for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.


"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP award is Colin Kaepernick of the 49ers! There's a new pic called The Family coming out this weekend, and I'm so happy for my dear old friend, the fabulous ROBERT DE NIRO! Such a mysterious man. Quiet? YOU BET! Hooked on every pill ever formed in a pharmaceutical lab? YOU KNOW IT. When De Niro comes to Woodland for a friendly orgy, he holds himself to a strict limit of twenty spoken words and three black women. VERY black. One time, I made the mistake of bringing in a handful of gorgeous, top-of-the-line light-skinned women for Robert—real chocolate angels!—and he waved them off. 'Little darker,' he muttered. So I brought in a new group. He shook his head. 'Little darker.' So I brought in ANOTHER group, now at considerable expense! And he shook his head again!


"'Bobby, baby, I can't go any darker!' I said. 'THESE GALS ARE FROM RHODESIA!' So Bobby walks out, comes back with four leather gimp outfits, and dresses himself AND the girls in them before heading off to the grotto! He really likes black. I think it reminds him of New York."

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

Star Trek: Into Darkness. I would watch Benedict Cumberbatch read a Pete Prisco column out loud for 150 minutes. He's a badass. I'm a full-on Cumberbitch.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

"Take it easy, Marge. How about if we dope you up real good?"

Enjoy the games, everyone.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.