That's right, we are liveblogging Coach again because you can stream it on Netflix and you don't really need another reason past that. Last time around, I was very concerned with the number of redheads in the show. I still am. It seems, proportionally, all out of whack.
Here's your quick recap:
Coach is a guy having trouble balancing his desire for big time grid-iron glory with the demands of his personal life. He has two criminally stupid coaches who reflect poorly on him at almost every turn. He has a girlfriend who doesn't always sex him and a daughter who tries to sex people (guys!) he generally doesn't like. That brings us to episode seven: "19 Candles."
A slight change to the formatting: Craggs had the genius suggestion that I use the Netflix timestamp instead of whatever time I happened to be watching the specific moment of Coach I'm referencing. It's why he's editor-in-chief and I'm liveblogging Coach at 12:30 on a Tuesday morning.
00:14: Dauber is asking why they call it Football. He's asking Luther. Should be good.
00:32: Luther asks if he should be studying for science or something. "I was, but then I got to thinking..." [Pregnant pause]
because Dauber is stupid.
02:00: I think the credits got longer.
02:42: Coach got Kelly a birthday present. "Aw yeah, Kelly's big birthday dinner," says Luther. I smell a plot!
02:59: OK, thought these toe-shoe bookends were something sexual. They are not.
04:03: Dauber and Luther are going to team up for a birthday present. Not going to be IQ points. [sends in Coach spec script]
04:35: Kindly old lady to Coach, who is hold an admittedly magnificent package: I couldn't help noticing, that is a magnificent package.
04:52: This old lady is talking up Coach like he's the Adam before original sin or something because he wrapped his damned daughter's present. What kind of assholes have been sending you birthday presents.
05:10: And she is a goddamned redhead!!!
07:00: Stuart the mime was not just a one-episode cast off. Too much Coach chemistry. So sensitive.
07:33: Now, correct me if I'm wrong. Coach is upset that Stuart the Mime is screwing up his father-daughter "tradition" of the birthday celebration. Isn't she relatively new on the scene, like, this year? Six episodes ago?
Also, I think this is a new Stuart.
09:00: Kelly is pissed that Coach doesn't want Stuart there. Kelly to Coach: Lets just forget my birthday! In fact let's forget I was ever born!
Now if this turns into It's A Wonderful Coach's Life. I am fully on board.
11:19: The Stuart-Coach dynamic is comedy gold, you see, they are totally opposite and Stuart looks like an extra from Young Guns.
It's probably mostly the Young Guns thing.
13:50: Coach is being, like, crazy aggressive towards Stuart, yelling in his face and stuff. It's kind of unsettling.
14:33: "Don't start lecturing me on bein' sensitive, I don't want to hear it!" The Coach ethos.
15:25: Loneliness is the Coach's natural habitat.
17:05: Kelly folds fairly easily and apologizes to her dad. Stupid, weak kids. But now she's waiting for Coach to apologize. Fat chance, sweatheart!
18:09: He tries to bribe her with her gift—which she is going to love, natch—but she's not buying it yet. Coach has to apologize. He's got to!
19:30: Coach is not only apologizing for fucking up her birthday today, he is apologizing for fucking up her entire life for being a deadbeat dad essentially. What we are really learning, is that the Birthday celebrations are an apology unto themselves.
20:00: Here comes the gift. She hates them. What a bitch.
22:30: Now she wants Stuart to come to dinner again. I'm with you on this one coach. Total selfish move on Kelly's part.
Episode 8: Parent's Weekend
00:29: We finally learn that Dauber is named after a mud duaber because of his build. It's a wasp or something. I have no idea what that means. He's talking to a recruit so he's probably full of shit.
01:46: Coach's recruiting voice is super creepy and off-putting. Like he's trying to bed the kid's mom or something by making her sign a letter of intent.
03:53: Coach is a modern day lothario.
05:02: Oh brother. Coach has quite the predicament on his hands. Christine is pissed she's the other woman. But she's going to meet Coach's ex-wife, Beth. Who is apparently fat. Coach seems to really hate fat people.
06:45: Dauber can't tie a tie. Luther yells at people when they should be whispering.
09:55: The ex is going to be smokin hot.
10:15: Yep. She's reduced Luther to
a blubbering Luther.
11:30: Christine is going to be super pumped. Beth has one of those really throaty voices, too. Bad news for the Fox Den.
12:39: Christine is at the Redhead Steakhouse. And she just got outed by A Family Guy character. "Hey every stranger in this restaurant, it's our local newsreader!" Who does that?
14:40: New addition to the Coach tombstone: Bitches Be Crazy.
17:51: Coach is standing next to a caricature of himself that is not all that caricature-y.
19:30: For a guy coaching a presumably Division-I program, Coach is routinely confused by literally every single person in his life.
21:10: Christine is now turning her crazy stalking of Coach and his ex-wife into a positive for her and a negative for Coach. I'm willing to stalk you and your ex-wife and you haven't done that.
22:57: I have no idea what is going on right now because both Coach and Christine all of a sudden got real quiet when they were being serious. Like they were mutes, Stuart! They hugged; something good happened.
Episode 9: I'm Sorry I Told You My Wife Was Dead
00:02: Well, that's hell of an episode title.
01:00 Kelly just burst in to Coach's meeting and said "sorry I didn't know you were in a meeting." This Kelly is no good and a liar. Coach was reading those guys the riot act. She heard.
03:36: Earl Risendale? Died? Seems important.
04:12: Ah, big time booster. Probably payed the players. Probably deserves whatever he got.
05:09: Coach does a lot of things like a pseudo-military man. He's Coach, not Colonel. Get it together, tv character stereotypes.
07:30: Luther and Dauber are so dumb, but they aren't as dumb as the AD. Sounds about right.
08:15: Coach is at this Earl guy's house and he has, like, framed tickets from a 40-year-old college football game. I don't even save my Yankees ticket stubs with Jeter on them! I don't get it, guys. Maybe it's because I went to Fordham, but I just don't get college football.
11:05: And here we are. Coach lies to the Widow Risenflrgbmph and says he lost his wife to try to relate to her, and get this money for the new stadium from her. College Sports.
12:35: She's totally bought into Coach's bullshit. He is pret-ty pleased with himself.
13:10: Dauber cannot throw a football to save his life. He probably couldn't spell football to save his life, either.
15:40: The AD is so sleazy and spineless. And he looks familiar. I am that annoying guy you watch movies with that says "Who is this guy? He looks familiar." And spends the rest of the movie trying to figure it out.
17:10: Mrs. Rosenbagger wants Coach to bring his daughter to dinner. Now he's got to explain to her about her dead mother.
19:11: Ms. Risengale's maid is an alcoholic who also looks familiar to me.
20:02: FUCK! MRS. RISENDALE IS A MOTHERFLETCHING REDHEAD.
20:43: This is seriously crazy. I don't even care about Coach coming clean about his not-dead wife. Why all the red hair? What is it? There should be charts and graphs commissioned.
23:19: These episodes all end strangely-un-sitcom like. Old lady just ripped up the check and walked out on Coach. Still too preoccupied by this hair thing. Might have to research it.
OK, that's it for tonight.