This whole thing is pretty silly and exhausting, so let’s get right to it.

Cardinals ace Adam Wainwright tore his Achilles while trying to run out of the batter’s box this weekend, which means it’s time for another round of “Should the National League just use a DH?” columns, and that means that writers like Jon Heyman are going to go looking for quotes from pitchers like Max Scherzer:

“If you look at it from the macro side, who’d people rather see hit — Big Papi or me?” Scherzer said. “Who would people rather see, a real hitter hitting home runs or a pitcher swinging a wet newspaper? Both leagues need to be on the same set of rules.”

That’s an entirely reasonable opinion for Scherzer to hold, and not one that anyone should waste any amount of time getting bent out of shape over. But another reporter decided to relay Scherzer’s comments to Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner, and we suddenly had the makings of a feud on our hands (via Mercury News):

Any thoughts on that, Madison?

“Oh, well, my wet newspaper is 34 ½ inches, 33 ½ ounces, and I’m waiting on some new ones right now,” said Bumgarner, asked for comment.

[...]

It’s the “real hitter” part that rubbed Bumgarner the wrong way.

“He knew the rules,” Bumgarner said. “Whatever much he signed for – what did he get, again? – he didn’t have a problem signing his name. He didn’t have a problem with hitting then. I’m sure he had his pick of anywhere he wanted to go.”

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Before we go any further, let’s note “my wet newspaper is 34 ½ inches, 33 ½ ounces,” which reads like the worst sext of all time. Anyway, after reading Bumgarner’s reaction to his comments, Scherzer had to let everyone know that Heyman took his quotes out of context:

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Cool, cool.