With Aaron Hernandez facing charges for first-degree murder and on the verge of being charged with two more slayings, I think it's time that all of us asked the most important question, which is: HOW DID BILL BELICHICK DO IN HIS FIRST PRE-PRESEASON PRESS CONFERENCE?! Well fear not, America, for the NFL media flocked en masse to Foxborough to listen to Belichick drily deliver a prepared statement ("I felt it was important enough to do that") on the matter and have now doled out their Michelin stars accordingly. Behold!

I feel as if Bill really elevated those three simple ingredients and turned them into something that almost resembled an expression of actual human emotion!

Indeed. It was a brilliant stroke of casting for that press conference.

Do I detect just a soupcon of empathy here? Even a touch of cumin?

You nailed the presentation, Bill. From just one sound bite, I can tell EXACTLY what kind of person you are: reserved, yet soulful. Firm, yet tender when needed.


(manically writes up three-star Yelp review of presser on Samsung Galaxy)

WHO'S A GOOD COACHY? IS IT YOU?! IT'S YOU! I'm the sort of person who has to let people know IN ADVANCE that I'm not condescending to them!

He really served up the meat well today, which I SUPPOSE makes up for the perennially terrible service and decor. Call it a generous one star.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I CAN'T TAKE IT. IT'S A PRESS CONFERENCE. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PATRIOTS' CHANCES THIS YEAR. You make it sound like he did film study for this fucking thing. What would have happened if Belichick had told all of you to go fuck yourselves? OH MY GOD THE PATS WON'T BE ABLE TO RECOVER FROM THIS. This press conference is a mote of dust floating in an empty void that spans trillions of light years between functional galaxies. It's the fucking anti-matter of information. Next time, just Instagram a photo of the inside of your own asshole. Christ.