Newt Gingrich Is In A Dark Place

Newt, my boy. My dear, morally bankrupt Newt. What did Mr. Trump do to you? Did he hurt you? You can tell us. You don’t have to do this.

Newt Gingrich, who has not been given any formal position in Donald Trump’s administration despite countless months of groveling and boot-licking, made a big no-no yesterday. Because yesterday, on NPR’s , Newt Gingrich said this:

I’m told he now just disclaims [the promise to “drain the swamp”]. He now says it was cute, but he doesn’t want to use it anymore. ... I’d written what I thought was a very cute tweet about “the alligators are complaining,” and somebody wrote back and said they were tired of hearing this stuff. ...

Newt was quick to add that he, personally, has “a sense of humor” and likes “the alligator and swamp language. ... I think it vividly illustrates the problem, because all the people in this city who are the alligators are going to hate the swamp being drained.” Do you get it?, Newt asks. It’s like the bad people are the alligators and they LIKE swamps. But not Mr. Trump! Alas, for poor Newt, it was too late. The damage had been done.

For just this morning, Donald Trump tweeted this:

Hmm ... “Someone,” you say? Might that someone be aspirational lunar zookeeper Newt Gingrich? Newt certainly thinks so. Because about 20 minutes after Trump’s tweet, Newt had his own message for the world:

These are the slurred, dead-eyed words of a man on the brink of hell.

Did Donald Trump ask him to make this video? Might Newt simply be cowering in fear over the possibility of definitely not getting a White House role as opposed to just probably not? Or is Donald Trump cackling under the desk with a cattle prod pressed firmly against Newt’s pants-less lower half? Since we can’t know for sure, we must assume all the above.

Newt, you don’t have to do this. Your last shred of dignity may have trickled out months ago, but Callista (probably) loves you. The animals (maybe) love you. It’s not too late. Newt, you can still just walk away.