Today is Cleveland’s day, and I join with the rest of America in obnoxiously glomming onto the city’s moment even though I don’t deserve to. (In fact, I have spent much of the past decade joyously shitting on Cleveland for its miseries … but really, I’m so happy for you now!) Last night was one of the greatest moments in neutral sports fandom history, joining the likes of Giants/Patriots I and II, Saints over Colts, Sox over Yankees, D-Backs over Yankees, anyone else over the Yankees, and Tiger’s first Masters victory. It was a rapturous night, the joy still echoing out into the next day and well beyond. I cried when they won last night. Real tears. I don’t even know why.
But as we exult in LeBron James accomplishing his impossible mission, let us not forget that it came at the expense of the Warriors, who are choking shitbags. Yes, for every heartwarming story, there is an equal and opposite target for our collective schadenfreude. And so we must take a moment today to pause the celebration and get in our trolling while we can. Because you, Golden State Warriors … you are SHIT. You are obnoxious, overhyped, namby-pamby frauds.
I can’t believe I liked this team a month ago. But between Draymond punching everyone in the dick, and trophy-humping owner Joe Lacob trying to take credit for their success, and Steph Curry tossing around ill-advised behind-the-back passes (I swear that Curry believes he needs to take longer shots and attempt dumber passes in order to regain his mojo any time he loses it), and Ayesha Curry truthering away losses, and our own Kevin Draper turning any mention of his team into an opportunity to give the rest of the Deadspin staff a tutorial about how the game of basketball works, these fuckfaces have fallen from grace faster than Chewbacca Mom. It’s the fastest heel turn in sports since … since, well, LeBron left Cleveland the first time.
Frankly, this team deserved to lose. The Cavaliers didn’t win this series by accident. Last night, the Warriors got outhustled by Kyrie Irving and Kevin Love. Do you know how hard it is to make Kevin Love look like a capable defender? Was Golden State even aware it was the last game? Maybe you believe, as I do, that desire in sports is sometimes a bizarre quirk in the cosmic infrastructure that comes and goes for reasons outside of your control, even if you happen to be a world-class athlete. But even so, it was jarring to see Irving playing his guts out while Curry looked like he was auditioning to star in a Justin Bieber Vine. Sometimes all the clichés and hustle and grit are real, and last night the Cavs went for every loose ball like they were sheltering a baby from gunfire. Those balls were THEIRS. The Warriors, by contrast, played like they were waiting for their inherent awesomeness to arrive. They played like (say it with me) GLORY BOYS.
This is America, and in America we only like winners when they win. You can win 73 games in the regular season and exhaust your resources in the process (rest your starters next time!), but you better fucking finish the job, and you REALLY better not blow a two-game lead to a coachless opponent. Otherwise, you are dead to me. You may as well have not played this season at all.
And so we close out this NBA season by offering a hearty FUCK YOU to these pathetic underachievers for failing to live up to their own impossibly high standards. Fuck Curry. Fuck him trotting his kids out every night and inevitably turning them into little Jaden Smiths in the process. Fuck Lacob, who almost certainly lamented the fact that he had resort to fucking a human last night instead of the Larry O’Brien trophy. Fuck Draymond, who nearly stole the title away from Cleveland with a barrage of Satan-mandated threes that he didn’t deserve to make. SUPER fuck Anderson Varejao, who is the worst flopper in a league flooded with them … a man who clearly grew out his Fry Guy hair so that he could dramatically whip it around in front of a gullible ref. Fuck Mo Speights’s head mole. Fuck Harrison Barnes for being Harrison Barnes. And fuck these spoiled fans … who took a entertaining basketball team and retrofitted it to their own professional delusions. They’re like Pats fans who take credit for Belichick’s genius, and they all deserve to drive off a bridge gap. Fuck the Warriors, may they forever rot in hell.
See you next season!