carl Page 64 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
The Rays Are Still Leading This Thing In August? What?
Carlos Pena was only halfway through explaining his game-winning, three-run homer during an FSN interview on Wednesday when an unidentified teammate doused him with a bucket of Gatorade. Such is the mood in Tampa Bay, where players are giddy, and people are actually beginning to show up for games. Y...
There Is No Possible Way A Romance Like This Could Fail
Looking for a husband? Why take a chance at nightclubs or concerts when you can troll the healthy, secure environment that is the infield at a NASCAR race? Take it from these two Staten Island sisters, who are not at all insane. The infield at Pocono Raceway is the only place to find a man. ...
Remembering The Great Carl Monday
Anyone who just came across this site in the last two years might know about the genius that is Carl Monday. With our last week upon us, we felt it was the least we could do to reintroduce you all....
"In Baseball, The Goal Is To Go Home ... To Be Safe At Home"
As you've surely already heard, George Carlin died at the age of 71. He's most famous for the seven dirty words, but for our money, the above clip, about the differences between baseball and football, is the funniest thing he's ever done. He nails the emotional principles behind each sport and re...
Carlos Guillen Would Like To Borrow Your Cooling Ointment And A Large Cushion
Anyone who's ever had the misfortune of being stricken with a dreaded hemorrhoid flare-up can attest to how painful it is. When it first appears, the general swamp ass-y, hiney spider feeling reaches about a "5" on the uncomforability scale. But the longer it lingers, it quickly shoots up to about a...
Pink Bats, Red Faces; This One's For You, Mom
Here we go, writing about breasts again. Mother's Day was Sunday, and you know what that means: The pink bats were back. And while that's good for the fight against breast cancer, it was bad for the Cincinnati Reds, who just seemed to be horribly disoriented by the unfamiliar flashing colors. I supp...
Drinking Helmet Enhances Signs, Eases Their Display
The drinking helmet is not only a good sign complement. It's a must. [The Sports Hernia]...
Carl Eller Doesn't Know How Fast He Was Driving
Last week, Daulerio gave you a few tips on how to make it through a potential DUI stop. Former Minnesota Vikings Hall of Famer Carl Eller has a new one, one we hadn't considered: Simply punching the police officer in the face....
Sparring With Carl Everett
Being a sports reporter is, at times, an absolutely horrible job. Sure you get to watch games, travel, and interact with athletes, but there is a horrendous downside. (Which is pretty much everything else.) And this is never more disturbingly clear than when a reporter has their first (or 50th ) awf...
Stanley Pringle: Jackin' It
You know, it's really annoying when athletes-masturbating-in-libraries stories break in the evening and we have to wait until morning to write about them. If we can't be your leader in library masturbation coverage, we're not sure what our point is....
Man's Ashes Have More Fun Than He Ever Did
Dear tiny infant Jesus, or as our brothers in the south call you, "Jezus," please welcome Big George Helms (pictured here) into your Heavenly kingdom. But first, kindly bear with us as his remains take a couple of laps at Las Vegas Motor Speedway. Then its over to the KFC drive-thru, and then straig...
Red Sox Scout Endures The Long Nights On The Road In The Wrong Way
The life of a baseball scout is a lonely one. Endless nights on the road, waves of parents pestering you that their son is some undiscovered gem, the ankle-sniping from all those sabermetric folks who have made the last few years among your least satisfying, professionally speaking. Yep, it's lonely...
Making That NASCAR Love Connection
OK, I admit that the photo here is a cheap shot, and is not intended to be a representation of the typical NASCAR fan. After all, the woman isn't flashing her boobs. But let's just get on to the big news: Meet Me At The Races.com is here! If you're like me, you attend NASCAR events for just one reas...
OK, Last Photoshop, We Promise!
Except for the ones below, that is. There's just so many amusing ones out there, that it's hard to stop. And now, for the final word on Super Bowl XLII, we'll hand the mic over to Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, who as you might imagine is quite enthused with the result. In fact, it may be his fin...
Super Bowl Blogdome: Predictions Edition
News and predictions around the intrawebs on Super Bowl XLII ......
Your Prayers For More Carlos Mencia Have Been Answered
When someone convinces Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas to reprise their Bob and Doug MacKenzie characters for a beer ad, that's when I'll get excited about a Super Bowl commercial. Until then we've got Carlos Mencia, who will be featured in a Bud Light Super Bowl spot this year. Hey, where's everybody ...
It Is Time, Once Again, To Wank For A Cause
It's the news you dared not hope was true: Nearly 10 years after it was introduced in San Francisco, the Masturbate-A-Thon is making its triumphant return. To The Netherlands! What took you so long, Dutch people? (Carl Monday dons raincoat, sounds the Action 4 News Team alert). Oh, like you had anyt...
Witness The Pagentry Of The International Bowl
It can't be easy to promote the International Bowl in Toronto. It's Rutgers vs. Ball State, smack in the middle of a bunch of bowls that actually, you know, matter. (Well, kind of.) How do you sell it? How do you make people want to watch?...
The Grand Valley State Mascot Really Loves His Job
OK, I’ve checked the rulebook, and nowhere in there does it say that you can’t hump the goalpost after your team has achieved an important first down. This round goes to you, Grand Valley State mascot. But someday your reign of Div. II goal post-sexual assault will end. Mark my words. ...
Finally, The Carlos Zambrano Story Can Be Told
We're still reeling a little bit from the news that Carlos Zambrano is the subject of an inspirational biography. It's not that we didn't think he could write (or dictate ... or "be vaguely aware of") one; it's just that we're a little surprised that he had a free hand....