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Let's Talk About All The Amazing Little Details In <i>Get Out</i>
I saw Get Out yesterday afternoon, and then I spent the next eight hours or so thinking and talking about Get Out. The only review of the movie I will offer is this: Go see this goddamn movie as soon as possible, whether or not you like horror flicks. I don’t really want to spend any time reviewing ...
The 2017 Hater’s Guide To The Oscars<em></em>
Oh God, it’s Oscar time again. Just what I needed in the middle of the fucking apocalypse. Donald Trump is President. Russia has hacked all of our phones and is actively watching us masturbate. And every public school is going to teach your kids that gay people come from the fucking moon. These are ...
24 Questions I Have About <i>The Accountant<em></em></i>
I watched The Accountant on an airplane last week because that’s the kind of movie you watch on an airplane. And even though it effectively bled two hours off the flight, I have many questions:...
The Best Things We Watched In 2016
When we weren’t busy watching sports contests, we watched some things. Here are the best things we saw this year....
Some Ryan Gosling Movies That People Like Actually Are Not Good
La La Land is not good. Actually it’s bad. It’s going to win a bunch of Oscars because it has Ryan Gosling in it, and Ryan Gosling is a handsome man who is understood to choose good roles in ambitious awards-y movies, and then to not make many facial expressions in those movies, in a style of acting...
<i>Rogue One</i> Is A Refreshing Dive Into The Muck Of The <i>Star Wars</i> Universe
A good proxy test for the tone of a Star Wars movie is the demeanor of the featured droids. R2-D2 and C-3PO carry out a cheerful buddy comedy in a movie that is about friendship and hope triumphing over evil. BB-8 is a version of R2-D2 that’s been multiplied by itself several times over until it’s n...
How The Fuck High Was This <i>New Yorker</i> Guy When He Wrote This <i>Star Wars</i> Take?
Listen. I am not going to try to unpack and critique the bonkers Rogue One review published by the New Yorker’s Richard Brody today. I do not even know where to begin. I am just going to blockquote some portions down below this paragraph, and I invite you to join me in making halting, inarticulate, ...
I Fucking Live For Haunting Covers Of Literally Any Song In Movie Trailers
You want to see the shit I fucking live for? It’s right here:...
Mark Wahlberg's Boston Marathon Bombing Movie Looks Putrid
In the new trailer for Patriots Day, Kevin Bacon, playing head of Boston FBI Richard DesLauriers, looks at a ball bearing in the aftermath of the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing and says, “It’s terrorism.” This is the best part of the trailer, and probably not in the way that the filmmakers intended....
Movie Stars Who Play Badasses Who Might Actually Be Badasses, Ranked
Lots of actors get paid “big money” to play badasses in Hollywood movies. How many of these actors are actually badasses in real life? ...
Just Make <i>Mad Max: Fury Road</i> Again
I just finished watching this dope-as-hell reel of raw footage from Mad Max: Fury Road, and goddammit, I’m all jazzed up for car crashes and explosions again. So here is my plea to George Miller: please just make Mad Max: Fury Road again....
<i>Suicide Squad</i> Is The Summer's Best Movie About Divorce
I consider my life to consist of two parts: one before I saw Suicide Squad, the other after. ...
Please Enjoy This Supremely Fucked-Up First Pitch
America hasn’t won a single World Baseball Classic, and we’re similarly lagging behind the rest of the world in first pitch nightmares. Where is the presidential candidate who will deliver creepy ghost children to America’s ballparks?...
There Should Be Movie Theaters In Airports
I have a good idea that you can NOT steal, but which you may hear. Are you ready? Here it goes: ...
<i>X-Men: Apocalypse</i>'s Biggest Disappointment Is The Villainous Prune
As we’ve noted before, the pleasure of a superhero blockbuster lies in watching familiar, inevitable tropes refashioned in mildly refreshing ways. The people making these films are tasked not with outright originality but with clever recombination. How do we make the good guys defeat the bad guys—be...
Someone Should Have Died In<i> Captain America: Civil War</i>
I loved Captain America: Civil War. It was fun and somehow pulled off the monumental feat of not being a bloated, nonsensical mess despite the presence of like 734 super heroes. Except one thing: no one of importance dies in Captain America: Civil War, and someone should have....
<i>Captain America: Civil War </i>Is Too Much And Just Enough
Yo dawg, Captain America: Civil War heard that you like superhero movies, so it installed several pleasantly extraneous superhero movies in your superhero movie so you could watch more superhero movies during your superhero movie. It is the Pizza Box, the Double Down, the Quesarito of the form. Pre...
<i>Space Jam</i> Was Bad, The LeBron Remake Could Be Worse
Love of Space Jam is the perfect case study in false memory—take a childhood novelty, give yourself a decade of distance, layer on some of the currently rampant ’90s nostalgia, and all of a sudden everyone you know swoons over something that was pretty bad. The sum total of praise Space Jam deserves...
So Help Me, I'm Actually Kind Of Excited About The <i>Independence Day</i> Sequel
The first trailer didn’t really do it for me, but I now find myself entirely on board for a bad-fun sequel to the best-worst-funnest movie I ever waited on line to see. Independence Day: Resurgence is coming, and instead of exploding cities, this time it’s lifting cities up and dropping them back on...