pain Page 6 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Spain Clobbered Croatia And Should Be Mad As Hell About It
World Cup failures Spain took on World Cup runners-up Croatia yesterday in a match in the new and sort of confusing UEFA Nations League. You might not totally get what the Nations League is (here’s a quick primer) but there are some things you should know about the Spain-Croatia match itself: 1) it ...
Alleged Thief Crashes Stolen Truck Full Of Paint, Ends Up Covered In Paint
Workers closed a lane on the 100 block of South Queen Street in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, yesterday morning. They could not have possibly predicted what would end up happening as a result....
Luis Enrique Is Spain's New Manager, So It's Time To Stop Getting His Name Wrong
Today, not long after their ignominious World Cup exit and the ignominious decision to fire their manager just days before the tournament kicked off, Spain have hired a new coach for the national team. Do you know his name? Lots of people who should know apparently don’t....
Russia Topple Spain In Penalties, Puke Puke Puke
Fraud-ass Spain lost in penalties to rigged-ass Russia Sunday in a match that was an exercise in pure teeth-grinding frustration. Spain dominated possession but were the very worst version of their pass-happy selves, noodling around in the midfield and the attacking third but failing to play with an...
Iranian Defender: "Diego Costa Cussed Everyone In My Life"
Diego Costa can be a huge dick. In addition to stomping, scratching, and attempting to bite his opponents, he once threw his spit onto Sergio Ramos (yes, he spit into his hand then threw it at another human being—twice). These transgressions, combined with his constant scowling and general grumpines...
Cristiano Ronaldo Caps Incredible Game With Incredible Hat-Trick Free-Kick Goal
Cristiano Ronaldo just played one of the best games of his life. He was outstanding throughout today’s Portugal-Spain match, holding up play like a champ, giving life to numerous counterattacks with ingenious flicks and passes, and, oh yeah, scoring three goddamn goals in what ended as a 3-3 tie. Hi...
Ugly Boner Gifts Ronaldo His Second Goal Of The World Cup
A pretty goofy first half between Portugal and Spain ended with a huge momentum swing for Portugal thanks to a giant boner from Spanish goalie David de Gea, normally one of the best shot stoppers in the world....
Ultrarunner Courtney Dauwalter Explains Why She Runs Through Blindness And Hallucinations
Courtney Dauwalter is a real nice girl, but competitive. She’s 33 now and married, and living in Golden, Colo., but she grew up in Hopkins, Minn. where she was one heck of an athlete—ran track and cross country, did nordic skiing, went to state a few times. One thing led to another, and now she’s in...
Spain Shoots Its Own Dick Off In The Name Of Propriety, Fires Manager One Day Before World Cup
The Spanish soccer federation (RFEF) announced today that it has fired its national team manager Julen Lopetegui, on the eve of the World Cup, because Lopetegui did not “act the right way.” The infraction? Lopetegui accepted a job managing Real Madrid, which would have started after the World Cup, w...
Real Madrid's New Manager Julen Lopetegui Thinks Messi Is Better Than Ronaldo
Real Madrid announced Julen Lopetegui as their new manager today, just two weeks after Zinedine Zidane resigned abruptly from the job after winning the Champions League title. Lopetegui is currently manager of Spain’s national team and won’t take over at Real Madrid until after the World Cup....
Spain Could Very Well End Up Winning The World Cup Again
Spain, it appears, are back. The team that won three international titles in a span of four years (the 2008 and 2012 Euros, and the 2010 World Cup), and then followed it up by crashing out of the 2014 World Cup in the group stage and losing to Italy in the round of 16 in the 2016 European Championsh...
Future Of Basketball Luka Dončić<em></em> Gets A Rare Triple-Double In Spain
Possible first-overall draft pick Luka Dončić, who’s been playing in Spain with Real Madrid since he was 16, is already the kind of all-around athletic beast who appears to be the final form that every basketball player is evolving towards. He’s a six-foot-eight guard/forward hybrid who’s comfortabl...
Lionel Messi Did Not Have Fun At Spain's 6-1 Drubbing Of Argentina Today
Just a couple of months before June’s World Cup begins, a next-generation Spain squad incinerated a mostly full-strength Argentina in Madrid today, riding an Isco hat trick to a 6-1 laugher. It’s only a friendly, but still, it wasn’t good, and Argentina star Lionel Messi, missing the game with a ham...
What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?<em></em>
If Christmas is all about putting stuff up butts, New Year’s Day is the day to read about the many methods of absolute destruction of America’s dick and balls, and to be thankful it wasn’t you. Unless it was....
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?
If it’s Christmas, it must be time to learn what America shoved inside itself. The only worthwhile holiday tradition pushes on....
The Sports Highlight Of The Day Is This Japanese Game Show's Slippery Stairs
Humankind is mortal. We are born, we flop around and make noise for a while, and then, inevitably, we die. That is perhaps the lesson that the diabolical makers of slippery stairs were trying to teach to their audience. I realize that asking someone to watch a nine-minute video is demanding a lot, b...
Are Costumed Hookups The Best Kind Of Hookups?
Whoops, now there’s body paint on the wall....
Report: Dope Dogs
Historically, the dogs in the famous Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race have been extremely good boys, but some bad dogs appeared to break that precedent this year. Race officials have said in a statement that several animals tested positive for the opioid pain reliever Tramadol, approximately six hours a...
Catalonia Explodes
By now, you’ve probably seen the images on Twitter or Facebook of Spanish police in riot gear breaking a Catalan woman’s fingers, beating people as they sought medical attention, and even battling firemen. The shocking violence came as Spanish authorities tried, in vain, to block the referendum for ...
Barcelona Play In An Empty Stadium After Attempted Independence Vote
On the day of a controversial referendum on Catalonian independence, which led to the Spanish police shutting down polling stations and firing rubber bullets at a crowd of voters, Barcelona’s game against Las Palmas was closed to the public and played in an empty Camp Nou due to security concerns....