The American Civil War was fought over slavery and states' rights. The Canadian Civil War will naturally be fought between supporters' of the country's two pastimes: hockey and Justin Bieber.
Longtime NHL defenseman Wade Belak, who spent much of his career with the Maple Leafs, was found dead at 35 today in his Toronto hotel, according to a report from QMI Agency in Canada.
Or, anyway, we think that the worst time you can invent a GM's quote calling a player "crazy" is in that player's obituary.
Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and internets to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
James Engquist, the 28-year-old who was "grabbed" by Canucks forward Rick Rypien last night, told the Star Tribune that he is "seeking legal representation" because he was "assaulted, that's just the bottom line." What a day for lawyering up!
No one disputes that Rypien was wrong in grabbing at a taunting fan. No one except the homer Vancouver announcers, that is. Rogers Sportsnet gives us the hilarious play-by-play.