stock Page 8 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Do Not Ask Kurt Busch About His Probation, Or He Will Threaten To Beat The Shit Out Of You
Resident NASCAR idiot Kurt Busch continued his campaign of jackassery Saturday after the Nationwide Series race at Dover today, verbally attacking a reporter who dared to ask about the probation NASCAR imposed after Busch's May 12 incident with Ryan Newman....
"Douche McGee" Got His (Or Her) Day In The Sun On SPEED
SPEED call-in show WindTunnel with Dave Despain is known for giving strongly-opinionated NASCAR fans a voice, and like many programs it's now featuring tweets from viewers. One such viewer, "Douche McGee," has an issue with the off-the-track drama that's emerged as one of stock car racing's hallm...
This Randomly Awesome Manifesto Might Be The Horse_ebooks Of Sports
Reddit user hyxurial posted this nonsensical yet somehow strangely compelling manifesto late last night and though it has since been removed, it lives on in my RSS reader and deserves a moment to be appreciated. The ADD-infused thought changes and DFW-esque inline footnoting are abrupt yet welcome, ...
24-Year-Old Finance Guy Asks All His Dates To Complete A Creepy Survey Afterward
Last month, we brought you a finance guy's way-too-detailed spreadsheet of the ladies he met on Match.com. A reader who enjoyed that post then passed along this survey she received from a man she briefly dated in Philadelphia....
Hello, Friends! A Young Jim Nantz In A Hot Tub With John Stockton And The Utah Jazz
According to the information provided by the YouTube uploader, this interview occurred prior to Utah's decisive Game 5 win over the Houston Rockets in the 1985 NBA Playoffs. It's times like this when it's fun to reflect back to quiet dignity with which Nantz read promo after promo for Lizard Towin...
How A White Person Gets His Hair Cut In America Today
I went to get my hair cut the other day. I meant to get it cut a month earlier, but my wife went into early labor and had a kid and the kid had to stay in the NICU forever and there's no good time in the middle of all that to be like, "Excuse me, guys. Daddy needs some time for Daddy at the beauty p...
Palm Beach High School Baseball Player Suspended For Soaking Visiting Dugout In Urine Before Crosstown Rivals Arrived
From the Palm Beach Post comes word of gamesmanship. Foul, fetid gamesmanship....
Pain Is A Gift, And Other Notes From A Terrified Father During A Seven-Week-Premature Birth
When the baby cried, I knew it wasn't gonna die. They had just pulled my son out of my wife and whisked him over to one of those fancy hotel pans that you put newborns in, and there was a brief moment when he said nothing, which you don't want. You want the baby to cry. You want confirmation that th...
Dead Letters: We Are Not Here To Tell Tebow Jokes
Subject: Tebow Jokes!...
A Stripper's Guide To The Final Four
During the 2007 Final Four, I traveled to Atlanta with a couple of friends to dance at the Pink Pony. We were surprised to find the local dancers questioning why the dancer manager was urging them to work all weekend, then do it again next weekend during the Masters. By the Sunday before the final, ...
<em>Slap Shot</em>: The Only Honest Sports Movie
From the very first scene of Slap Shot, the classic hockey film makes its stance clear: The way everybody talks about sports is bullshit. Denis Lemieux, the befuddled language-challenged Charlestown Chiefs goalie, is on television talking to broadcaster Jim Carr, who is trying to get fans to bring t...
Gentlemen, Please Stop Crushing Vaginas
I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, and at some point during our conversation, we both agreed that the epidemic of American brosephs "crushing" and "killing" things has gotten way out of hand....
The Five Major Nonsexual Male Daydreams
I was at the airport last night and I lost big at Rental Car Roulette. I kept waiting for my rental car company's shuttle to show up as wave after wave of other, better companies had busses whizzing by every six seconds. I must have seen 37 Hertz buses while I stood out there like a GASH. You will p...
What Happens When A 35-Year-Old Man Retakes The SAT?
I took the SAT a grand total of one time when I was in dipshit prep school. This was 1993. Like any other kid, I wanted to do well on the test, primarily so that I would NEVER have to take it again, but also because kids at my school were real dicks about their SAT scores. You'd hear through the gra...
If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, You're Fucked: 10 Tips For Avoiding Terrible Children's Books
As you may have heard, Jan Berenstain, the lady who co-created the Berenstain Bears series, died this week. And it’s measure of how bad those books are that some people wasted no time dancing on her grave. Now, it’s incredibly crass and rude to rip into a poor old woman who just died. But those book...
Babies Are Stupid
This is the baby's idea of a game: He keeps trying to throw himself off the couch, headfirst. It's completely intentional. I sit him upright, and he looks me in the eye, holds my gaze, grins—and then pitches over sideways. I grab him, reel him back in, and straighten him up, and he grins again and t...
NASCAR Drivers Spent Yesterday's Daytona 500 Rain Delay Mentioning Their Sponsors As Much As Possible
This will surprise absolutely nobody familiar with the constant shilling for products and sponsors that takes place before, during, and after NASCAR races, but when slapped together back-to-back it's worth realizing that yesterday's eventual postponement of the Daytona 500 wasn't a lost cause for...
Sick Children Are Where Good Food Goes To Die
There's a half a bowl of Top Ramen sitting in my kitchen right now. It's gorgeous. The broth is warm. The noodles are all soft and crimpy. It's just begging me to eat it. It's just aching for me to take it into the coat closet and do VILE, DISGUSTING things to it....
We Have Our First NASCAR Wreck Of The Season
We have David Ragan to thank for opening the NASCAR season properly, with his push of Paul Menard leading to a multi-car wreck on the ninth lap of tonight's Budweiser Shootout....
Children's Music Will Destroy Your Good Taste Forever; Or, How I Came To Like Kidz Bop
I have two kids, and so I have to listen to lots of kids' music. Horrible, awful, miserable kids' music. Almost all of it is complete dogshit. All of the songs from Dora are horrible. All of the songs from Thomas the Tank Engine are puke. And whoever wrote the Bond-style songs for Special Agent Oso ...