winner Page 14 - Sports News, Headlines & Highlights
Last Night's Winner: The Unemployed
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like anyone who had a few free hours to skip and/or slack off work yesterday, because they were richly rewarded for their non-efforts. (Unless they weren't.)...
Last Night's Winner: Cirrhosis Of The Liver
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like all you rummies out there who have merged St. Patrick's Day and March Madness into a sort of extended holiday—Hanukkah for drunks....
Last Night's Winner: Sports Shouters
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like sports shouters, whose soapboxes were raised an extra couple inches thanks to Tiger Woods' triumphantly selfish return to Augusta....
Last Night's Winner: Michael David Barrett
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Michael David Barrett, Erin Andrews's peeper, who was sentenced yesterday to two-and-a-half years in prison and life as another triple-named American villain....
Onions, Both Peeled And Grabbed, Win The Weekend
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the guy from the NCAA selection committee who peeled his metaphorical onions, and this happy Buccaneer from East Tennessee State, who merely gripped his....
Last Night's Winner: People Who Enjoy Watching Yankee Stadium Blow Up
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the folks who get a perverse thrill from watching that pompous old Bronx ornament get gutted and torn apart, piece by self-important piece....
Last Night's Winner: Derek Anderson
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the Browns occasionally starting quarterback who was finally released from his own personal Purgatory—even if Purgatory isn't exactly sad to see him go....
Last Night's Winner: The Boston Yankees
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like ad sales software that scored another big success for targeted online marketing campaigns. Because who needs Yankee tickets more than the people of Boston?...
Acting! Wins The Weekend
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like the poor unappreciated working stiffs who get paid unconscionable sums to play make believe for a living. It's about time they got some attention....
Last Night's Winner: Football Dorks
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like nerds who get excited about tender offers, no-trade clauses, and transaction wires. It may be the offseason, but not for restricted free agent hounds....
Last Night's Winner: Rioters
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Maryland students, who finally got an excuse to smash the state with some real grownup civil disobedience. Wait, did Rick Reilly® sign off on this?...
Last Night's Winner: Hoc-key?
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like hockey-crazed Americans, so jazzed by Olympic fever that they set NHL records for attendance and ratings....if only they knew what channel the game was on....
Last Night's Winner: Jay Leno
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Lindsey Vonn, who continued her streak of tape delayed wipeouts by appearing as a guest on the new, new Tonight Show with....ugh, Jay Leno....
Canada Wins The Olympics
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Canadians, who became the most successful Olympic hosts ever by not acting like a bunch of Canadians. Nice countries finish last, you know....
Last Night's Winner: Canadian Men On Skates
In sports, everyone is a winner-some people just win better than others. Like the Canadian skatesmen, who prat fell onto the podium for short-track speedskating and held off the feisty Slovakians in hockey for a chance at gold against Amerika....
Last Night's Winner: Scott Hamilton's Tear Ducts
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Hamilton and everyone else who had themselves another happy cry last night over Joannie Rochette, winner of a bronze medal that looks golden from here....
Last Night's Winner: Canadian Pride
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Canadians who, for the first time ever, have a reason to feel good about hosting the Olympics. Chin up, gang! You're good at stuff too!...
Last Night's Winner: Crybabies
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like people who watch the Olympics not for the speed and grace of finely-tuned athletes, but because they enjoy blubbering like little girls over figure skating....
Last Night's Winner: Dance! Dance! Dance!
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like fans of competitive ice dancing, otherwise known as people who enjoy Linkin Park, uncomfortable sibling romance and the Holocaust. The Olympics have something for everyone!...
Boorish Americans Win The Weekend
In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like obnoxious United Statesians who are now free to gloat over their nation's Olympic triumphs as exultant underdogs instead of domineering bullies. Suck it, Earth!...