Foreign substances on baseballs are so commonplace that MLB is debating an approved substance. As a traditionalist, I prefer jalapeño juice, sweat, and rosin, a catcher with a sharp shin guard, a well-placed nail file, mucus, or any other creative way pitchers have been altering baseballs for decades to spider tack.

Of all the crafty vets in sports, pitchers are the craftiest. (Followed closely by seasoned offensive lineman, and NBA guards who can still defend younger players. Ask those who went against John Stockton about all the sharp elbows and jersey tugging.)

Is it even fair to call pitchers cheaters when the rules are unwritten? How are you supposed to consult them? What passage says whether a loogie counts as snot or spit? I don’t want to live in a world where Ed Harris’ tutorial on how to doctor a baseball is moot.

I would rather my kid dominate younger, overmatched competition than give them a participation trophy. So what if Johnny was held back a year and already has a goatee, he’s given up four hits total in his past five starts and has the kind of confidence his father could only dream of.

If you don’t remember Danny Almonte, he was a sensation during the 2001 Little League World series, hitting 79 mph on the gun and leading the Bronx to a third-place finish. At the time, people questioned his age, but I guess the LLWS simply thought the uproar was from parents concerned about their kid taking a two-seamer to the ribs.

Weeks after the series, it was revealed that Almonte was two years too old for the tournament. This was the first time I can remember a team officially being caught running a high schooler out there against sixth and seventh graders. Whoever added Almonte to that roster deserves credit for betting that no one would ask for a birth certificate. People have become increasingly less shameless in general, so kudos to the Bronx manager for seizing the opportunity while society was still relatively innocent.

It’s crazy how much worse Kentucky basketball has gotten since the NCAA stopped caring about players getting paid. Was he a good recruiter, or was he just really good about covering his paper trail? None of his programs received the death penalty, despite Derrick Rose’s family flying private to and from Memphis for games, or the notion that all of those Kentucky guys just really loved Coach Cal.

With NIL deals and other seismic shifts looming for college sports, what we used to call recruiting violations are now recruiting pitches. Everyone has the same advantages that Calipari employed for so long. First, Coach K took his one-and-done corner, and now his bags with large sums of untraceable cash are losing their effect. My god, he might have to *gasp* actually coach his team rather than drop a bunch of five stars on the floor and call it good. Drive and kick isn’t an offense, Cal. And the sooner you figure out a legitimate play style, the sooner Wildcat fans will stop calling for your job.

Congrats on having the greasiest palms, you were a true innovator, but it’s time to find the next loophole.

Cheating at the Olympics seems like it’s been around as long as the Games, and that’s understandable considering how crucial the event is to athletes who only get to shine every four years. There have been plenty of individual perpetrators — Marion Jones, Michael Johnson, etc.

However, no country has made a fool out of the IOC more than mother Russia. They were exposed for basically running a Red Room for their athletes, with Russians looking like yoked-out Black Widows on the uneven bars, and somehow still sending a contingent every two years. I thought for sure we’d get a break from them during the ensuing Games.

Nope. Didn’t happen. They were rebranded as the Russian Olympic Committee, or ROC on the medal leaderboards, and tallied 71 podiums at the 2022 Winter Olympics, third most overall and good for fifth in the final standings. Figure skater Kamila Valieva perhaps best encapsulates how dominant the country can be when employing its win-by-all-means tactics.

The 16-year-old prodigy helped Russia win the team event at the 2022 Games only to test positive for a banned substance. However, she faltered in her individual program, and was seen after crying as her coach simultaneously shunned/yelled at her. The Russians are fucked up on so many levels, but it’s hard to argue with the results.