The Apple Watch Has Rendered The Following Celebrities Unfuckable

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The Apple Watch is an expensive way of saying, “Hey, you know what I need more of? Computers. Near or around my person. At all times.” It’s a dumb luxury item, and the only reason you feel even the slightest hint of desire for it is because Apple is good at marketing. Unfortunately, wearing one immediately places you on the Do Not Fuck list.

You see, our friends at Gawker recently asked you to take a pledge that you will not have sex with anyone who wears an Apple Watch. It’s not a hard choice—just the right one. But guess what? A whole slew of famous people bought Apple Watches anyway, thereby rendering themselves celibate in the eyes of everyone but each other.

Yes, I know. It will be hard to turn down Beyoncé when she one day comes knocking on your door, super down to screw. But wait! A beeping noise causes you to glance at her wrist. She swiftly covers her custom gold watch with one hand, but too late: You shut the door in her face. Chances are she is kinda uninteresting and has specific weird-but-boring instructions in bed anyway.


The fact is, the Apple Watch is a sort of Wite-Out for fuckability. The following is a list of oblivious public figures who have nonetheless rendered themselves unfuckable. Knowledge is power.



Don’t get me started on the feather-headdress thing, either. [Editor’s note: Seriously, don’t.]

Kid Cudi


Yesterday on Twitter, I said no one should sleep with Kid Cudi now that he has an Apple Watch, so he replied with a “who are you?” which was a fair point and a good burn. But then he blocked me (and deleted it), which also makes me think he’s a sensitive lil baby, and only proves the point further.

Anna Wintour


Anna Wintour has sex exactly once a year, and it is all business anyway.

Karl Lagerfeld


Ditto Karl on the one-time-a-year thing.

Rupert Murdoch


This one is hard, as Rupert Murdoch maintains an ideal and deeply sexual look.



I’m guessing Aubrey got a watch for his mom, too.

Kyle Lowry


There is something in the water in Toronto. Lots of free time to learn how to use it, though!

Jose Bautista



J.J. Abrams


Reasonable, given that he presumably identifies as being sexually attracted to machines.

Katy Perry


Katy Perry’s “I’m a cute dork and I only eat cupcakes, teehee” schtick has consequences.

Neil Patrick Harris


You’re truly dodging a bullet by theoretically refusing NPH.

Tom Brady


So you’re in the bathroom of da club, and you realize Tom Brady is totally there as well, and you think, “Jeez, what a hunk! Hard to resist the advances of four-time Super Bowl winner Tom Brady!” And then you come out of the bathroom, and you notice the watch, and you leave da club immediately.



Con: You’d be forgoing access to his large collection of hats. Pro: You’d be avoiding the stigma of his large collection of hats. Turn your chair back around.

Frank Ocean


This photo was published on Tumblr. Come on, man. You need to spend some time outside.

We will continue to update this list.

Top image via Getty; Images of Torontonians and Pharrell via Getty as well.