Maybe you're not especially moved by Roger Goodell's smug, shitty, pinch-faced crookedness. Maybe the particulars of the NFL's ridiculous personal conduct policy just don't rate. And maybe the whole concussion thing—I mean, yawn, right? Surely there is one thing we can all agree on, and it's that Dallas Cowboys fans are the worst shit on earth.
I mean, just look at this shit:
Oh, wait, that's their franchise quarterback. OK, hang on, here, have a look at this horrible creep:
Gross, right? Ah dammit, hang on, that's their owner.
Now we're talking.
If there's anything worse than your standard, garden-variety Cowboys fan—pictured above—it's a goddamn happy Cowboys fan. And, disruptive of an otherwise healthy appetite as it may be for the rest of us (you know, the not a preening, strutting, silver-clad jackass part of the world's population), the Cowboys are giving their fans a lot to be happy about these days. You have no doubt heard all about this, from the obscene bellowing of a backwards hat-wearing Cowboys fan dudebro in a Roy Williams jersey, stepping out of an oversized pickup festooned with New York Yankees decals in a sports bar parking lot in Ft. Lauderdale: Dallas is [choking back bile] good at football this season. Their offense is [deep breath] balanced and prolific. They've won six straight, including a solid road win over the reigning Super Bowl champion [blasts puke all over the room]. They might be the best team in the [passes out in pool of vomit]
This will make being in any room containing both a television and at least one Cowboys fan the most miserable place on the entire planet. Bring your earplugs. Cowboys fans are, together, a gloating, eardrum-violating, glory-co-opting rebuttal to the suggestion that passionate fandom is a human virtue, and they will be in rare form this season, right up until the moment when another hilariously avoidable yet completely, deliciously inevitable unforced turnover brings their season to a screeching, flaming, apocalyptic end. That moment, I have to admit, it will be rich.
Unless, God help us, they find a way to win it all.
The NFL is a league in which such a thing is possible, and if that isn't reason enough to abandon it forever, I really don't know what is.
Noon — NBC — Premier League Soccer: Manchester United vs. Chelsea
The top team in the Premier League against a desperate Man U side.
12:30 p.m. — GolTV — Bundesliga Soccer: Monchendgladbach vs. Bayern Munich
Monchendgladbach are technically within striking distance of Munich, but, come on. Munich have allowed 2 goals all season and are +19 in goal differential.
1:55 p.m. — beIN Sports Español — La Liga Soccer: Sevilla vs. Villareal
This should be a fun, competitive tilt between two evenly matched sides.
3:55 p.m. — beIN Sports Español — La Liga Soccer: Getafe vs. Atlético Madrid
This, on the other hand, has the makings of a wipe-out.
8:07 p.m. — FOX — Baseball: World Series Game 4 - Royals @ Giants
The suddenly hittable James Shields against the normally unhittable Madison Bumgarner.
8:30 p.m. — ESPN2 — MLS Soccer: Sporting KC vs. New York Red Bulls
The Red Bulls are the highest scoring side in the Eastern Conference. Should be fun.
Noon — FXX — The Simpsons
This Sunday marathon runs from noon to midnight. There are bound to be at least a handful of good episodes in there.
3:53 p.m. — Comedy Central — South Park
The usual Sunday afternoon marathon runs until 8 p.m.
7 p.m. — AMC — The Walking Dead
Back-to-back reruns lead to a new episode at 9 p.m.
Noon — VH-1 — The Departed
I will go to my grave believing Goodfellas is way, way better than The Departed. Scorsese's Oscar was a makeup call.
1 p.m. — BET — Ali
This is a gorgeous movie to look at, and Will Smith's performance is terrific, but I sort of feel like the movie is basically a mess. An entertaining mess! But a mess.
2 p.m. — FX — Paranormal Activity
Terrific, terrifying Halloween-time programming. Give it a watch.
2 p.m. — TCM — Planet of the Apes (1968)
This movie spawned seven sequels/remakes and two television series. Not bad!
3 p.m. — A&E — Face/Off
Quite bad. But good bad! Mostly good bad.
3:30 p.m. — TNT — Training Day
Denzel Washington's performance is flat-out incredible, and it's a cool-ass movie.
3:30 p.m. — LOGO TV — Shaun of the Dead
It's got one gratuitous, disturbing-as-hell death scene towards the end, but otherwise, Shaun of the Dead is, like, a perfect comedy.
4 p.m. — FX — Paranormal Activity 2
Not quite as effective as the original, but plenty scary. FX is showing the first three Paranormal Activity movies back to back today.
4 p.m. — TCM — Jason and the Argonauts (1963)
This old movie is an absolute blast, and it has some pretty spectacular special effects for its day.
4 p.m. — abc Family — The Addams Family
This adorable movie is perfect Halloween-time family entertainment.
5:15 p.m. — IFC — Creepshow
If you haven't seen Creepshow and Creepshow 2, I mean you really haven't lived much of a life at all. You'll get to watch Leslie Nielsen murder Ted Danson, for crying out loud.
6 p.m. — Esquire Network — The Terminator
The original is still the best.
6 p.m. — TBS — Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
If this is your thing, go for it.
6 p.m. — FX — Paranormal Activity 3
I haven't researched this, but I feel like this movie has to be the only horror prequel to hold a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It's a pretty good movie!
6 p.m. — BBC America — The Silence of the Lambs
Unbelievably, Michelle Pfieffer was Jonathan Demme's first choice to play Clarice Starling. Can you fucking imagine? My God, it would have been terrible.
7 p.m. — FXM — Signs
Yeah, yeah, it's a cheesy-ass movie, but it's got some legitimately scary stuff in there, and it holds together pretty well right up until the big dumb twist ending.
8 p.m. — TCM — Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941)
When this movie, starring Spencer Tracy as Dr. Jekyll, came out in 1941 it was already the seventh screen version of Robert Lewis Stevenson's story.
8 p.m. — TVGN — Candyman
Little known fact: the Candyman's terrifying murder spree is all done for the cause of ethics in gaming journalism.
8:30 p.m. — USA — Bridesmaids
Funnier than hell, end to end.
We are on a serious run of beautiful fall weather. Not in the mood for soccer, The Simpsons, or Halloween movies? Get outside and run around. Ignore the NFL, and enjoy your Sunday.