Since it only takes two minutes, and because it's so goddamn exciting, I decided to liveblog the Kentucky Derby. Let's get to it.
• Before the race started, I think I heard someone say something about horses "retiring with dignity."
• Bell rings; horses run fast.
• Horses continue to run fast. Man, look at those horses go.
• For some reason, I'm really craving Chinese food.
• Horses all make NASCAR-esque left turn.
• Horses appear to be picking up speed. These are some fast freakin' horses.
• You know, none of these horses are talking. Therefore, none of these horses have a damn thing on Mr. Ed.
• Some horses running faster than others.
• Man, the little guys in silk are whipping the horses awfully hard. That looks like it hurts.
• Hey, if I had a horse, you know what I'd name him? Steve. Everyone else's horse would be named something weird like "The Firm Calves On Betsy Sue," or, "Anti-Microbial Goat Shampoo," and my horse would just be named Steve. And he would make fun of the other horses for their dumb names.
• Some horse finished first. And rich white people rejoice.
Barbaro was your winner. I hope your exactas and trifectas all hit. And that'll wrap it up for the Kentucky Derby. I don't think anyone can provide any analysis more in-depth than what I've just given you, but they're probably trying over at The Derby Blog. Really, you should go there if you're sincerely interested in the horseys. But you've probably gathered that by now.