“Desert Fighter” by Truckfighters! Up until now, I was unfamiliar with Sweden’s premier stoner rock band. Reader Taylor is here to correct that oversight:

The perfect song for literally fighting trucks. I’d request to have this song played when the fascist apocalypse forces me to fight the Kushner/Cantwell version of Master Blaster in Thunderdome.

Fuck me, this song RULES. I also now want to fight a truck. Bring it on, truck. I will punch clean through your engine block. I HAVE THE POWER OF RIFFS WITHIN ME.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

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Internet, meet meet Dave Asprey, founder of bulletproof coffee and a man determined to live to 180 years old using the power of TECH.

When Asprey wakes up, he makes Bulletproof Coffee for himself, his wife, and his kids. He says it gives them all energy to start the day. The coffee also serves as his breakfast.

If you’re unfamiliar, Bulletproof coffee is coffee with butter in it. If you wanna be a psycho who butters your coffee, knock yourself out. But come on, don’t make your kids drink that shit. Give them a bowl of Cookie Crisp, for crying out loud.

As part of his morning routine, Asprey also picks a “biohacking practice” to work on.

“Today, I think I’ll work on nipple clamps.”

These include lying underneath an ultraviolet light for 10 minutes (which he says slows down aging)...

LOL sure buddy. “This black light will extend my lifespan by exposing all the semen stains on my body.”

…standing on a “biovibration platform” that vibrates 30 times a second (which he says burns calories)...

…or standing inside his cryotherapy chamber that spews -260-degree nitrogen-iced air for about two minutes (which he says reduces muscle inflammation).

This guy totally makes up therapeutic benefits of things and then believes them, huh. It’s like Tom Brady if Tom Brady had accomplished exactly NOTHING. “Putting broccoli in your pillow actually reduces fatigue by nine percent.”

Having an assistant helps Asprey not waste time or think too hard about his schedule, which he says helps boost his performance at work. He tries to minimize the amount of decisions he needs to make throughout the day.

“I don’t have to plan or memorize my calendar,” Asprey says. “All I have to do is execute.”

“Dave, you have a sales meeting at 4 p.m.”


Asprey’s diet features a lot of vegetables and little gluten, sugar, legumes, or dairy. At lunch, he fills his plate with veggies (which he picks from his own organic farm) and avocado, or a salad with carrots and fennel, featuring a homemade dressing with avocado, olive oil, herbs, and his trademarked Brain Octane oil.

Let’s see about this stupid oil. “Accessible quality fats on-the-go.” FINALLY! I always needed fat on the go. This website also says this oil keeps the “belly slim.” It really is amazing how Silicon Valley can dress up virtually any shitty As Seen On TV product and make it sound fancy.

He tracks his sleep and gets about six hours a night.

On an average night, Asprey sleeps six hours and two minutes. The night prior to our chat, he got about four hours of sleep, though he usually shoots for seven a night.

“Healthy people need less sleep,” he says. “It’s not about sleeping less — It’s about getting a higher quality of sleep and having more resilience.”

Listen man, I’m not saying I WANT this guy to accidentally die young by slipping on a banana peel at the top of the staircase. But it would be fairly amusing.

Rex Ryan’s Lock Of The Week: Dolphins -3

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“Men! MEN. Oh men, today I’m gonna castrate a live bull to show you what kinda WATERMELON BALLS you need to get out there and destroy your opponent! Now… where can I find a bull?

(looks up bull prices on the internet)

“HOLY SHIT I AIN’T PAYIN’ THAT MUCH FOR A BRO COW! Let’s get a mouse instead. I will call the mouse BULL so that you can picture its large balls in your mind!”

Ryan 2017 record: 6-1

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

Reader Cliff is not too happy with Beast Mode:

I swear to god if Marshawn Lynch isn’t your fantasy player deserving of an excruciating death this week I don’t know who is. .9 fucking points! And why? Because this dumbass has to sprint on to the field to go shove a fucking ref and get ejected in the first quarter. I’ve always enjoyed Marshawn and his trolling of the no fun league. Dear fucking god though; I can’t wait until Monday when I lose by three points and should have started Bilal Powell to secure the win. Post or don’t post but fuck Marshawn.

That is tough but fair. I know Beast Mode is the internet’s darling, but for real: don’t shove a goddamn ref.

Fire This Asshole

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2017 chopping block:

Chuck Pagano*

Hue Jackson

Dan Quinn

Dirk Koetter

Jim Caldwell

John Fox*

Ben McAdoo

Jay Gruden

Mike McCarthy

(*-potential midseason firing)

I’m still in awe of the Falcons calling a jet sweep to Taylor Gabriel on fourth down against the Patriots. Leave it that team to take one of America’s favorite plays—who doesn’t love themselves a good jet sweep? OMG THE GUY WHO NORMALLY CATCHES THE BALL IS RUNNING WITH IT NOW!—and run it in the worst possible game situation. The Falcons should have choked Dan Quinn to death in the fog after that. Who would have seen it?

Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Anonymous sends in this story I call CHILDREN OF POOP:

The year was 2016. My kid was two. She had been sick for a few days but was getting better. Four days of some nuclear diapers had turned my hair greyer, but I had survived. Unfortunately, I was not out of the woods, myself. I knew by noon that day that I was not well, but denial got the better of me.

Anyways, I’m getting chills and am wearing sweats when I smell the familiar smell and see the familiar bulge in my kid’s diaper. I knew that it probably wasn’t solid due to the immense odor and the pattern of puréed shit over the past several days. As I stood up, the bubble guts hit. I broke out in a sweat, but as a father, I had to do what I had to do. Diaper rash was a guarantee if I didn’t get the toxic waste off my daughter quickly.

I whisked her off to her bedroom, where the changing table was. Beside it, I had a box of ziplock bags to contain the biological weapons my daughter was producing and an industrial quantity of Costco baby wipes. My innards were collapsing and felt like they were on fire. I knew I’d have to be quick.

I opened the diaper to find a fecal hellscape. I got right to work cleaning up the tsunami of waste that coated my daughters backside. Two wipes and two scoops of excrement into the ordeal, I get a pain down under. In the heat of the moment, I decided to relieve a little pressure to buy more time. Pure fire left me burned and a putrid smell overpowered the child in front of me, but I pressed on. Halfway through, it happens again. Time to repeat and buy another minute or two.

At 27 years old, I should’ve known better.

I couldn’t stop it. What had started would certainly finish as I became mount Vesuvius, but upside-down. Tears welled in my eyes and my daughter looked on, confused as I clenched every muscle to try and stop the disaster. Nothing could stop the deluge of liquified hatred emptying into my sweatpants.

Resigned to my fate, I finished up with my daughter as quickly as possible and replaced her diaper, my pants full of the former contents of my aching colon. Upon completion, I waddled to the bathroom, miraculously leaving no evidence of my failure on the floor. I showered in my clothes and disrobed as cold water washed over me. I must’ve been in there for days, I think my water bill contributed to the national debt that day. One garbage bag later, I rested on the couch in basketball shorts and a t shirt.

My wife (at the time) returned home from work 45 minutes later, greeting us with a gag and an exclamation of her displeasure of the noxious atmosphere inside our small apartment.

Fatherhood, everyone.

Gametime Snack Of The Week

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Fried grasshoppers! I tried these this week and they were pretty good! They’re just fried crunchy bits. I was EXTREMELY proud of myself for eating them, especially given my virulent hatred of bugs. I plunged right in. No hesitation. I said to my friends, “Hey! We’re eating crickets! HOW FUCKING WILD IS THAT?!” And they were like, calm down, bug boy. No one gives a crap. I just want it known that I had the stones to pay $12 to eat five cents worth of vermin.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

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Sprint Light! From reader Taylor comes what is either the greatest deal in beer or the worst:

Sprint Light! 20 dollars for a case of 48. Thank goodness for Lidl for selling this generic brand Natural Light. I bought a case and now I have no room in my fridge.

A case of 48! Holy shit, that is a commitment. Look at how utterly nondescript that case is. No mountains. No bears. I’m glad they promise smoothness but I dunno if I can trust it. I MUST KNOW.

By the way, this is the part where I tell you I’ve never heard of Lidl, which appears to be an even more generic version of Aldi grocery stores. You can probably buy a Lidl IN an Aldi. I fear our new German private label overlords.

Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!

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“Everybody’s all World Series this and World Series that. Those guys don’t play hard, okay? They got their nice pants and their condos to live in. You want REAL baseball, you go down to Armfart Station. They play a game there every morning using a broom handle and a dried tomato. Winner gets the tomato. I’ve seen people bitten on the basepaths. Now THAT is desire. You don’t flip your broom handle after a homer because then Sneaky Pete will steal it. That’s why we call him Sneaky Pete.”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans

It is time again to endorse Spanish Dracula. When they filmed the original Dracula back in 1931, they ALSO made a Spanish version. Same script. Same sets. Different actors. Our Spanish teacher put this on for class one Halloween. Easily the best Spanish class of my life.

Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

“Richard Dean Anderson will be in my dreams tonight.”

Enjoy the games, everyone.