The Ohio State University marching band is in some shit after an investigation revealed the band to be more or less Porky's with tubas and kettle drums. A report stemming from the university's two-month investigation has quite a few details on the internal goings-on of the Best Damn Band in the Land, including the raunchy nicknames bestowed by upperclassmen (like "Pat Fenis"), explicit fight songs for rival schools, and "tricks" performed by members.

Let's start with the tricks, which the report defines as "acts individual Band members perform, either on command or at their own volition." One girl pretended to have an orgasm on her younger brother's lap. Her nickname, according to the report, was "Squirt."

Each new member of the band got a nickname. The report provides a list of some of them, including "Jewoobs." How does one pronounce "Jewoobs"?

There was also a booklet of vulgar fight songs for many other schools. (Flip to page 51 of the report.) They're quite explicit.

And some other non-fight songs made by a very bad Weird Al:

Band director Jonathan Waters—un-nicknamed, so far as we can tell—was fired as a result of the investigation; a replacement hasn't been named. Former Ohio Attorney General Betty Montgomery will lead a second investigation.

Read the full report here.

Click here to view this embed.

[ The Columbus Dispatch]