Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.
Subject: jews, fantasy debate, and dick displacement theory...
From: Eli Tucker
To: The Staff
We’ve got a fantastic debate going in our fantasy league right now between two teams – Tits & Crabcakes, made up of two jews, and Sac Clap, also (SURPRISE SURPRISE) made up of two jews. By now, I’m sure you’ve already guessed that the debate is about money owed/not owed, from the 2011 championship. I’ll offer the basics and a ruling would be much appreciated.
We use ESPN (don’t even get me started in how shitty ESPN is compared to Yahoo), who declared T&C champions over Sac Clap after the 2011 season, by just a few tenths of a point. The teams are paid out and everybody goes on their merry way. Cue start of 2012 season. During some pre-draft research, a league member notices that T&C is no longer the 2011 champs, rather, ESPN now shows Sac Clap as the victor, by a few tenths of a point. What the fuck right? There happened to be a stat correction 4-5 days after the championship, which was never realized because the season ended and you’d have to be a lifeless scrotum to find yourself poking around the league homepage 5 days after the season ends.
Realizing the mistake, our commissioner pussy-foots the ruling and “suggests” that T&C pay Sac Claps league dues for the 2012 season (dues were $100, different in payout in 2011 between champ and 2nd about $200-$250). Considering the faith of the members of T&C, I bet you’re shocked to hear that they declined the suggestion and never offered any financial or sexual compensation to Sac Clap.
Interestingly enough, our league has a FIFTH jew, who raised the issue once again during last week’s draft. This time, it’s been recommended that instead of compensating Sac Clap, T&C pay for a league trophy (customized helmet that is ideal for penis stickers and valued at about $150-$200). GUESS WHAT!!! T&C has refused to pay and our commissioner is threatening to boot them from the league. T&C contests that it’s unfair to retroactively apply a financial penalty in this situation and the rest of the league doesn’t really give a shit, but it’d be fucking great if they bought a helmet so I have somewhere for my penis stickers.
So I ask you, 3rd party gentile, how do you rule?
Also, are you familiar with the “Dick Displacement Theory” for measuring ones cock and ball size? Using a ruler from the asshole to the tip is fucking amateur hour and doesn’t properly credit girthy men or men with impressive ball sacs. My “Dick Displacement Theory,” like any scientific breakthrough, was conjured up on a Sunday afternoon after a few bowl hits and 4-5 stiff cocks (cocktails, for those of you with a third grade reading level). Remember in middle school when you’d fill a beaker with water, dunk something in it, and get an A if you weren’t too dumb to write down how much water was displaced? Same principle. Gives THICK DICK PLAYAS like myself a leg to stand on against your Slim Jim-looking mother fucker who can claim 8” but could threat a needle. So next time Carl asks how big your dick is, hit him with a number that counts…56mL MOTHER FUCKER!!!!
From: Rebecca Slater
To: Iron Mike Gallego
Greetings. An acquaintance forwarded me a web link to your foodpsin.deadpsin.com post about champagne. I was initially very excited to read and share it with my church group (not all of those who have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior our hopeless squares, ya know!). However I was taken aback by portions of that struck me as anti-family, anti-woman, and worse! anti-God.
One, you note that "Pol Roger is what I can only assume Jesus converted water into, at least if you believe he is truly the savior of mankind." Mister, Jesus IS the true savoir of mankind. This is not debatable. Also, the miracles provided by the Lord should not be trivialized with silly beverage comparisons. Please change the text to read "Pol Roger is very delicious."
Second, there is a time and place for everything, but as far as I'm concerned the only time and place for perverse language is never and in the toilet, respectively. You make numerous references to being a "bada**" and "a*****e". Do you think Saint Peter is going to roll out the red carpet for anyone with a "truck driver" mouth? Please replace the text with "tough guy" or "jerk" as appropriate.
Yours in Christ,
Ps when I try to print it out the pages are all cut off. Can you help me with this?
Subject: down syndrome kids
From: Jen Williams
To: The Staff
trying to make my website and video of girls with down syndrome to go viral!! please help in any way if you can
they dance so it counts as a sport!!!! PLEASE!
On the website is a video of them dancing :)
From: Holly Ahlberg
To: The Staff