It has been a lousy month for Jeb Bush, gang. He’s running out of cash. His polls numbers are in the shitter. He spends a lot of time now tending to his email. And he appears to be publicly melting into a puddle of tepid lip-sweat before our very eyes, if this tweet is to be believed.
You are now bearing witness to the ignominious end of one of the most storied political dynasties in American history, UNLESS … well, now, who’s to say that Jeb had to be the next torch-bearer for these lobster-guzzling oil barons? Did you know that there are OTHER Bush brothers out there? It’s true. There’s Neil Bush, who has been embroiled in the occasional savings-and-loan scandal. And then, more interestingly, there is the youngest child, Marvin. Did you know there was a Marvin Bush? I didn’t, until just now. Here is a photo of him hiding behind Jeb, presumably sticking an M80 down his butt crack, because LOL.
Republican voters, THIS is the Bush you’re looking for. Forget sad-sack Jeb and his whiny Oedipal complex. MARV is the one who should be running. MARV is the one who should be collecting all that sweet donor money and pandering to the hillbilly vote and puppeting defense-contractor quarterly goals! Look at Marv’s credentials!
* He once bought a fancy condo! Take that, Trump!
* He once pissed in an iron as a prank!
* Truthers think he did 9/11!
* “I am a big Survivor fan. I’ll tell you, I got drawn into that show pretty early because I happened to know one of the people.”
* According to his Wiki entry, which is roughly four sentences long, “He spent most summers and holidays at the Bush family estate.”
HOLY SHIT I COULD HANG WITH THIS GUY. I bet Marvin just came back from Peru to introduce Barbara to his new son, Cool. I bet he lives in the pool house, yelling at the butler to bring him extra drawn butter. I bet he wears Hawaiian shirts ALL THE TIME. I bet he plays keyboards.
This is the president for me. Guys, if Marv is elected, we’re not gonna have to worry about a goddamn thing. If you need a tax break, he’ll just rummage through his old lady’s purse and bogart a hundie or two. Sad that Ohio didn’t legalize weed? Marv has a connect. Immigration? Brother, if we elect Marv, we’re ALL going to Mexico to hang out. They’ll have to build a wall to keep US out!
I’m telling you, life is better when you know a ne’er-do-well rich boy that you can mooch off of for a bit. And Marv IS that guy! Republicans are very passionate about ensuring that the government stays the hell off of their backs. And frankly, it’s a justifiable stance. So here we have Marv, who has probably spent his whole life telling his cold old man and his bullying mom to keep off his jock. You think Marv is gonna ask anything of you, the American voter? Hell, no. He’s just gonna fucking chill. Get a dog. Maybe learn to surf. Sink a few trill into a war or three. That’s the kind of non-leadership I want out of my elected leaders.
So drop out already, Jeb. You are dead inside, and everyone hates you. It’s time for Marv to break out the Coronas and put on some sweet tunes and Make America Fun Again™. VOTE MARV! YES AND IT COUNTS!