Just look at this roster. Look at it.
Who are these people? We spent a lot of time pondering this question in our staff chat room:
Burneko: some of these are clearly not real people
marchman: Yeah, I don't believe these are NBA players
Burneko: they're not fooling anybody with "ronald roberts"
Burneko: that's just one of their other players changing jerseys
marchman: At least ten of these guys are just weed carriers for Embiid, Noel, and Carter-Williams
Samer: ronald roberts probably committed murder on the other side of the country and that's his alias
Samer:snuck onto the 76ers' roster
Tom Ley: i counted 8 guys i'd actually heard of before
barry: they're gonna cut Ronald Roberts mid-year and then sign "Robert Ronalds"
Tom Ley: "Rob Ron"
kyle: ok so off the bat i thought keith bogans retired years ago and started coaching
kyle: so, bad start
Tom Ley: wait yeah i thought bogans was a bench coach somewhere last year
kyle: jakarr i know from st. john's
kyle: he's terrible
marchman: "That's my cousin JaKarr. I mean, he's not my cousin, but we call him my cousin because my mom's sister lived around the corner from his mom and they used to cook out together. Anyway, he works with me."
marchman: "Okay, he's on the team"
Tom Ley: surprised eric snow isn't on this team
kyle: hahaha i thought "Drew Gordon" was them signing sad-ass Drew Gooden
kyle: but nah
Tom Ley: like who is even on the sixers d-league team
kyle: just some dude
Tom Ley: "Phil"
Burneko: nah, that's store-brand Drew Gooden
Burneko: non-union Drew Gooden
marchman: I think Arnett Moultrie is an NPC in the Elder Scrolls
Burneko: "great news, guys! we signed Colby Bryant!"
harvilla: this is like the "you've captured their stunt doubles!" scene from spaceballs
kyle: and i only know Tony Wroten because i read so many "tony wroten might be the worst player in the history of organized sport" articles
Burneko: they couldn't afford Tom Duncan, so they got Drew Gordon instead
Amaund Motierre is a Breton member of the Elder Council. Amaund appears calm and confident when the Dragonborn first approaches him in the Dark Brotherhood quest The Silence Has Been Broken. As the questline progresses he becomes more and more stressed.
Samer: MCW and embiid aren't smiling because they aren't just happy to be there
marchman: Close enough.
Burneko: Amaund Motierre, vaporizing defenders with dark magic around the hoop
Samer: the other guys are in awe to be on a real nba team
Samer: embiid wants to leave
Samer: nerlens is also sad
marchman: Disgruntled-Looking Sixers, Ranked
Burneko: maybe Drew Gordon is an actual invisible person
Burneko: that'd be pretty cool
Samer: nerlens, mcw, and embiid are aware of their tours
marchman: Henry Sims looks like a nurse whose boss just told her they don't put the hazmat suits on until there's a positive Ebola test
Samer: it's like the end of platoon
marchman: Jarvis Varnado looks like someone just showed him a fifi and told him that was as good as he was going to get for the next five years
kyle: has jason richardson always been a conehead?
Samer: your sixers 14-15 preview:
Burneko: hollis thompson looks like he's at the midpoint between laughing at the sixers roster and the dawning realization that it's not a prank
Burneko: that's exactly the face he's making
marchman: JaKarr Sampson is carrying so many drugs for Noel and he's worried he's going to have to eat them all
Burneko: like he's about to say, "wait, are you for real?"
kyle: what the fuck, the sixers are too cheap to even let mbah a moute keep the "richard" in his name?
Burneko: "sorry luc, too many letters"
kyle: "sorry luc, gotta shave some character cap space"
Burneko: "there's only so much room on our geocities page for player names, luc"
harvilla: alexey shved won this season of 'hip show' and this was the prize
Burneko: "OK, this is cool, but what's your return policy?"
marchman: Maybe this is an NBA 2K15 marketing scheme. "We know we've gotten a lot of bad publicity with our face-scanning feature, but look how well it works when it works!"
Burneko: also, what the hell is going on with "ronald" "roberts"'s neck?
Burneko: Tom Cruise inside Ronald Roberts hoping they reveal the location of the nukes before his face melts
marchman: "Jerami Grant is studying biology at Temple, but with NBA 2K15, he's right there with real NBA players like Michael Carter-Williams!"
Burneko: TNT gonna use the Twitter egg avatar for these guys in pregame introductions. "it doesn't matter what they look like"
kyle: heinke traded the rest of chris johnson's teeth for a second round pick
Samer: buzzfeed's about to go back to koko and show her this roster
Samer: then take a photo of her face