As you may have heard, the Philadelphia Eagles are signing former college veerback and ideal Nicholas Sparks film protagonist Tim Tebow to a contract today. Up until this offseason, Eagles coach Chip Kelly was rather adept at giving fans the impression that he had some kind of grand master plan for the franchise. That impression has, uh, diminished considerably in light of Kelly trading for whatever spare organs are left of Sam Bradford, dealing away LeSean McCoy, and investing 132% of the team’s salary cap in free agent running backs.
Kelly isn’t one to share his motives with the press or the general public, and so any time he makes a seemingly unsound move—like this one!—we, the general population, are left with no choice but to grasp for straws and weave elaborate theories as to WHY Kelly decided to add a fourth quarterback who has been out of professional football for the past two years. Let’s go through all of the possible explanations.
1. Kelly actually thinks Tebow is good.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA no, no this can’t be it. I know Jay Glazer reported that the Eagles were impressed with Tebow’s progress working with QB coach Tom House, but it would take a real sap to believe that, at age 27, Tebow suddenly managed to acquire Tom Brady’s mechanics while he was exiled from the sport for two years. There are limits to how much someone that age can improve upon something that, in reality, comes down in large part to natural-born skills. Tebow was not and is not a project player. He’s the same jump-passing Jesus loon he’s always been.
2. Kelly wants to exploit the potential new 2-point rules
The NFL hasn’t altered the PAT rules yet, but they’re expected to vote on the changes in May, with the PAT line probably being moved back to the 15, and the 2-point conversion attempt moved to either the 1-yard line or an extra half-yard away from that spot. So Kelly could be preparing for that rule change early (FAR too early, mind you) by signing Tebow and essentially creating a 2-point specialist roster spot. I don’t know why Tebow would suddenly become a hot commodity in this brave new 2-point world when a) most coaches are cowards and will still go for the PAT anyway, b) the Eagles already have millions invested in running backs, players who are also suited to, you know, running the ball, and c) Tebow is fucking terrible.
I play in a keeper league, and in the first year of our keeper league, one of the guys (KOGOD) used his final pick on Darren McFadden, who was still in college at the time and wasn’t entering the draft until AFTER the season was over. He thought this was an ingenious move. We told him that it was against the rules and that he was a fucking moron. Chip Kelly would have done something like this.
3. Kelly likes Tebow as a person and is doing his sorry ass a favor before cutting him in August
Coaches love Tim Tebow, far more than the more secular portions of the general public. Urban Meyer adores him, probably because Tebow is one of the few players under his watch who didn’t turn out to be a serial killer. And Bill Belichick also loves him, which is why he threw Tebow a pity lay a couple years ago and let him hang around Patriots training camp before turning him loose. He was never gonna keep Tebow. He just wanted a bit of Tebow musk around camp. Tebow probably deflated balls from him with zero complaints or questions. “You high paid GLORY BOYS could learn a thing or two from the scrappy upstart over there arm-punting balls into the recycling bin.” Tebow is a coach’s mascot. It wouldn’t surprise me if teams passed him around from camp to camp on an annual basis, just to see if he rubs off on the players in camp who are actually good.
4. Roger Goodell and/or ESPN paid the Eagles to sign him
It’s been a rough year for the Ginger Hammer, what with the murder convictions and wife-beating and child-beating and boneheaded leadership and shoddy officiating and withholding of pizzas. What better way to distract the general public from all that ugliness than to bring in the ULTIMATE distraction? Tebow is like an atomic mushroom cloud … his media presence could blot out of the fucking sun. No one’s gonna care about the emptiness of the No More campaign when they’re too busy making gifs of Tebow accidentally throwing the ball into the Eagles cafeteria soup pot.
5. This is all an elaborate ploy to get Eagles fans to not gripe about Sam Bradford.
It’s ingenious when you think about it. Everyone, even Philly fans, knows that Sam Bradford is an expensive, injury-prone train wreck. Philly fans will love complaining about him endlessly. But if Kelly is trying to build Bradford’s confidence, it behooves him to bring in Tebow to suck up all of that scrutiny. Fans who would otherwise complain about Bradford will be too busy either complaining about Tebow, or BEGGING for him to start. There are still people out there like that, you know. They do exist. It’s not just Bayless.
6. Kelly is stitching together a human quarterpede
Tebow would be the head, of course. Being the tail of it would be against God’s will. What defender could tackle an eight-legged quarterback that is constantly eating its own fecal matter? They’d be far too busy throwing up. You can really dictate the pace when everyone is preoccupied with all the santorum leaking out of Matt Barkley’s face.
Photo by Getty